Chapter 17
When he gave a brief nod, Fabivan followed suit, nodding back with a benevolent smile.
I didn’t loosen my grip even as he was escorted inside by the priest.
I had been careless. Foolishly so.
Anger at myself made me bite down hard on the inside of my mouth.
The moment I saw Kardin reflected in Fabivan’s eyes, I barely managed to suppress the murderous intent that surged up.
Thinking about how he had used that snake-like tongue to manipulate me and drive Kardin to his death made my heart race wildly.
“Are you alright?”
Not wanting him to see this expression, I lowered my head, contrary to the gentle voice beside me.
“Yes. Of course.”
Suddenly, a large shadow fell in front of me, as if to shield me.
When I turned my head, his hand was already close to my face.
Even without seeing myself, I knew my eyes must have been trembling.
“I’m fine.”
As Kardin’s hand lifted, my head followed his fingertips without me realizing it.
“You’re crying.”
His hand carefully wiped beneath my eyes.
When his sincere, worried gaze filled my vision, I immediately lowered my head again.
“I—I’ll do it myself.”
Wiping away the tears with my sleeve, I pressed my eyes shut tightly.
I could feel Kardin’s gaze on me, but I avoided it.
“I troubled you again today, Your Grace.”
For a long moment, Kardin stood silently in front of me, his shadow falling over me.
“… Are you feeling better now?”
To hide my clearly trembling voice, I answered briefly.
“Thanks to you.”
“You never ask in the end, Saintess—what it is that I’m curious about.”
His words made my shoulders twitch, but I forced myself to remain calm.
“Because I’m not curious. I’ll send the handkerchief back to the Grand Ducal residence.”
He might find my sudden change in attitude strange, but I thought this was the best choice right now.
“I’ll come retrieve it myself.”
I refused immediately and firmly.
“No. Please don’t come. You don’t need to visit this place again. Travel safely. May God’s grace—may God’s mercy fully reach you. … And please, I sincerely wish that only good things come your way, Grand Duke.”
After giving a brief bow, I turned around.
I fled.
Each time my steps faltered, I clenched my fists tightly.
A crescent moon was carved deep into my palms, over and over again.
Before I knew it, the priest Philip approached from ahead.
“Saintess.”
At his call, I let out a long, deep breath.
“Was the Temple Head escorted safely?”
“Th-that is… Saintess.”
After hesitating, he glanced past me, over my shoulder.
“…Is he still here?”
“Yes. He’s watching you.”
I didn’t know why he hadn’t left yet, but my heart sank heavily.
It felt as though he had seen me in my most pitiful state.
“Could you see him off for me?”
“Yes. Understood.”
“Thank you.”
I stood there until the sound of the priest’s footsteps passing me faded away.
Don’t look back.
I told myself that and finally took a step—
not toward my room nor the prayer chamber, but toward the forest path I had walked with him.
How long did I walk?
Before I realized it, the wisteria came into view again.
I leaned against it, drew my arms in, and hugged my knees.
I was unbearably angry at myself.
My jaw trembled as sobs escaped me, the sound gradually filling the forest.
This was the result of failing to control my emotions.
When I recalled Fabivan and Kardin facing each other, murderous intent flared around my body.
I shouldn’t have merely made him dream of death.
I should have killed him.
I should have ended his life completely.
Closing my eyes tightly, the tears that had pooled spilled down my cheeks.
A self-mocking smile formed at the corner of my lips.
“I was so stupid. Truly.”
I had vowed to protect him in this life—
Yet I had been careless.
Simply seeing Kardin again had made me happy enough to allow this situation to happen.
As if whipping myself, my mind replayed the moment before he went to war in my past life—
the moment I had hurt him.
The brief joy of meeting him again had carved a fresh wound of guilt into me.
I shouldn’t have shown even the slightest trace of my feelings for him.
I couldn’t even rein in my own emotions.
I had shown him this hell—the hell that had killed him.
I hoped I wasn’t included in the curiosity he mentioned.
I prayed it was nothing more than my own misunderstanding, my own delusion.
So that the person I love would not be curious about me.
So that he would not think of me.
Only today did I clearly realize it.
I had no right to love him—
So I had to bury those feelings.
So that he would no longer be entangled with me.
Seeing him again today, I couldn’t forgive myself for smiling.
No—I shouldn’t have done that even at the palace.
Unable to forgive my foolishness and greed, I clenched my fist and struck my chest.
Even so, my anger wouldn’t subside easily.
If anyone tried to use him again in this temple, I would not hesitate to kill.
My position as Saintess would not stop me.
By the time night had deepened, I stood up—still unable to forgive myself.
The conversation we had while looking at the wisteria clawed through my thoughts.
“We don’t have wisteria in the Ferdian territory, so thanks to today, I was able to see it.”
“A glass greenhouse…”
“Pardon?”
“If it’s a greenhouse, wisteria would bloom beautifully. Very beautifully.”
Tears fell again.
Clutching my chest, I staggered, collapsed, stood again, and kept walking.
When I finally emerged from the forest, an ambiguously full moon hung in the dark sky.
As I tilted my head back to let out a long breath, I heard someone calling me as they ran closer.
“Saintess!”
Forcing strength into my trembling eyes and lifting the corners of my mouth, I called her name.
“Amy. You could’ve gotten hurt.”
She had already reached me, breathing in and out rapidly, grabbing my shoulders and checking me over.
“Where have you been until this late at night?”
“I went for a walk.”
Amy puffed out her lips.
“I was worried.”
I gently hugged her and patted her back.
“I’m sorry for worrying you.”
She shook her head, then smiled brightly again.
“No, it’s fine! Ah—did the Grand Duke of Ferdian leave?”
“Yes. Earlier.”
She looked at me with a flushed face.
“Why did he come? He really came to see you, didn’t he, Saintess?”
I hesitated, wondering how to answer.
Then she tilted her head.
“Huh? Saintess, isn’t that the handkerchief you sent to the Grand Duke?”
I looked down at the handkerchief in my hand.
The handkerchief he had returned to me.
“Saintess?”
Just as my thoughts threatened to pull me under again, Amy snapped me back to reality.
“There was something on my face earlier.”
Amy nodded, seeming to understand the meaning behind the handkerchief.
“It’s gotten quite cold now that it’s night.”
“Oh! Yes! Let’s go inside quickly.”
I walked back to my room—the room that felt as though it would be lonely and cold—
as if punishing myself by forcing myself to face that solitude.
