Chapter 14
I paced around my room, and when the feeling of suffocation only grew worse, I went outside and wandered along a path where no one passed.
How do you forget someone?
I’ve never forgotten him before, so I don’t even know how forgetting is supposed to work.
It’s ridiculous—
I can’t even control my own emotions.
I tried keeping myself busy to forget you, but the moment my surroundings grow even slightly quiet, you appear in my mind as if you’d been waiting.
Don’t long for him.
That resolve, those words, work only until the moment your face comes to mind—then everything turns blank.
I even asked God how to forget.
As always, my god gave no answer.
So I asked myself as well, but just like God, I couldn’t give myself an answer either.
Sometimes I wondered if the saying “time heals all wounds” was even true.
I had lived longer after losing Kardin than I ever had as his wife—
Yet I still couldn’t forget him.
Even now, I was walking alone through an empty forest because you came to mind.
The sound of fallen leaves crunching beneath my feet reached my ears.
I walked aimlessly, listening to the endless sound of leaves breaking.
“…I shouldn’t have sent the handkerchief.”
I spoke my honest regret out loud.
I kept walking until the sky darkened, and as night deepened, my steps naturally led me to the prayer chamber.
Since the Pope could no longer come out, this place had become mine alone.
I walked up to the white statue of the god Gloria, leaned against it, and closed my eyes.
My room felt strangely empty.
It felt cold.
So I came here to sleep instead.
What was a saintess even searching for, wandering like this, falling asleep somewhere that wasn’t even her own room?
***
How long had my eyes been closed?
A familiar, dearly missed scent of wisteria flowers brushed my nose.
When I tilted my head back, the glass ceiling of the garden came into view.
Snow piled softly atop the transparent glass roof, unable to enter, sliding off to either side.
Even knowing it was a dream—
even knowing the scent wasn’t real—
I still breathed it in.
The floral scent strangely blended with the winter forest smell I loved.
Even if it was only a dream I created myself.
Beside me, leaning against something, were stacks of thick books.
Then…
Was I leaning against your gravestone?
When I shifted slightly, the stone engraved with your name entered my sight.
Tracing the carved letters with my fingertips, your name took shape.
Even knowing it was a dream, my chest ached.
Only then did I realize what I had truly been searching for every time I closed my eyes in the prayer chamber.
“I guess… I really wanted to find you.”
As I touched the gravestone, the glass ceiling vanished before I knew it.
It was a dream, so there was nothing surprising about that.
I turned back and leaned against you again, tilting my head upward.
I stretched out my arm, waiting for falling snowflakes to land in my palm.
“Shallen.”
At the voice coming from behind the gravestone, I turned my head.
“…Kardin.”
“Why are you still here?”
The moment his black eyes filled with my reflection, I woke from the dream.
His vivid face filled my vision, and tears welled up on their own, blurring everything.
“Because you’re here.”
I whispered the words aloud, answering the you I had met in my dream—
and also answering myself, who had wandered restlessly for days.
Looking up at the statue of Gloria as if she were gazing down at me, I murmured,
“Forgetting someone is like erasing a part of your own life…
That’s why it’s so difficult.”
Only the thin upper curve of a crescent moon, sharp as a fingernail, was visible beneath the window frame.
Soon, the sun would rise and drive away this dawn.
I pushed myself away from Gloria’s statue and stood up.
So that Amy wouldn’t be startled when she opened my door in the morning, I left the prayer chamber quietly, stepping on my toes.
I returned to my room, which felt empty and cold.
My days passed on like this.
* * *
Starting my morning early, I sat at the head of a long table, silently watching cardinals—men I wasn’t even sure belonged to the Temple Head’s faction—talk among themselves.
“Since the Saintess attended the Helen Kingdom’s Crown Prince appointment ceremony, invitations are pouring in from kingdoms and empires alike.”
“This time, visiting the Evanto Empire to raise Melissa’s prestige wouldn’t be a bad idea.”
“If it’s an official event like an appointment ceremony, we should attend as well. But that isn’t the case, is it?”
“Indeed. A holy Saintess’s pilgrimage cannot include just any banquet.”
They struggled to decide on the destination for my second pilgrimage.
“This could be a good opportunity to build ties with the Evanto Empire.”
“The Evanto Empire is currently engaged in a territorial war. Melissa must not be involved in war.”
“But isn’t that precisely when appearing in person helps deepen relationships? Hoho.”
“Please restrain such dangerous remarks. That would only be acceptable after the war ends.”
“Hoho. Is that something to get so serious about? What if our Saintess is startled?”
The discussion went on endlessly.
I tapped the desk lightly with my index finger and finally opened my tightly closed lips.
“Is there no record of the previous Saintesses’ pilgrimages?”
In my past life, I hadn’t found this strange at all.
A puppet has no sense of self to voice opinions.
As if brainwashed, I had accepted everything as natural.
The Temple kept no records of the former Saintesses’ deeds.
They had blessed the entire continent—
Yet they did not exist in history.
I would have been the same.
Silence fell over the conference room filled with cardinals.
No one could immediately answer me.
“It seems those present here are not aware. Is there perhaps someone else responsible for organizing such records?”
“Cough… Is that truly necessary?”
“There seems to be a limit to learning solely through stories.”
“The former Saintesses learned without any problems.”
My eyebrow twitched.
Why were they so determined not to record the paths Saintesses had walked?
As if to break the heavy silence, one cardinal spoke up.
“Since the second pilgrimage is always more difficult, perhaps we should take more time and resume this discussion later.”
Seeing that the meeting could go no further, I nodded shortly.
“Alright. Let’s end today’s meeting here.”
With no clear conclusion, the cardinals quietly pushed back their chairs and stood up one by one.
As they left with brief bows, about half of them didn’t bother hiding their displeased gazes toward me.
Just how lowly did they think of Saintesses, to not even conceal their expressions?
A sigh escaped me in the form of a laugh.
I felt uncertain whether I could truly live differently from my past life.
Through the half-open door, I noticed someone lingering outside the conference room.
Tilting my head slightly, I checked who it was.
“Amy?”
At my voice, she whipped her head around and met my eyes.
“Come in.”
After glancing around, Amy carefully entered the room.
“Amy, what brings you here?”
“Saintess, is the meeting over already?!”
“Yes. As you can see.”
Her restless behavior worried me, so I lowered my brow and asked,
“What’s wrong?”
This time, she even stomped her feet, checking that the door was properly closed before leaning close to my ear.
In a hushed voice, she said,
“Saintess… you have a visitor.”
Seeing how excited she looked, I smiled lightly.
“Who is it?”
Amy bit her lip, blushing as she whispered,
“Grand Duke Ferdian is here!”
