Chapter 113 …
At a distance close enough for their eyelashes to almost brush, he whispered desperately.
“Rita, for you, the optimal solution must always be obvious. But I know—it’s hard to deliberately choose the longer, roundabout path. I know that… but now you also know just how much your choices have cost us, don’t you?”
Lillieta recalled the reactions of her comrades after their reunion. She thought again of how her family had broken down after she went missing.
She had always wanted her family and comrades to be safe and happy. And she knew that they, too, felt something similar toward her.
But how much space she herself actually occupied in their hearts and happiness—she hadn’t known.
That’s probably true for everyone.
You can guess vaguely, but it’s usually hard to know for sure. Just as you don’t realize how much of your heart someone takes up until they’re gone.
Lillieta was no different. If anything, she was worse at gauging such things than most people.
But the extraordinary experience of “returning” changed everything.
Through that, she witnessed with her own eyes how big her absence had been for the people around her.
Bigger than she’d imagined. Much bigger.
She had never expected it to be this much.
It was something that made her feel grateful, yet also sorrowful. Warm, yet overwhelming.
She didn’t know how to handle something of such magnitude. Other than endlessly apologizing and trying to restore things to how they once were, she had no idea what else she could do.
It hadn’t been her choice to leave her family, but it had been her choice to leave her comrades. That made the weight of their feelings all the heavier.
And yet, if the same situation arose again, she knew she would make the same choice.
Inside her was a clear standard and belief: sacrificing her life to save her comrades was the most effective and the most righteous choice.
So she had never regretted that decision.
But now, knowing all too well how much that choice had hurt the people she loved, everything had grown painfully complicated.
That’s why… against the crushing weight of guilt, against the helplessness of not knowing how to make amends, against the feelings that had piled up within her since her return—
Gideon had just given her a new direction.
Not the optimal choice, but the best one.
Not the most efficient path, but the right one.
And with trembling eyes and lips, he had taught her why it had to be that way.
“No matter how good the outcome is… if you’re staggering and covered in blood, it’s meaningless. It really makes me want to lose my mind. So please…”
Lillieta once again revisited the voids she had seen during her return.
And she realized something.
If her presence carried weight in the lives of those around her, then whenever she was hurt, that weight inflicted pain on them as well.
Her own suffering, she could always factor into her calculations. But she had no right to calculate the suffering of others.
And yet if her pain was being passed on to those around her—if the ones who loved her suffered the most—
Then her death would mean killing a part of the ones she loved.
‘…Ah. I see now.’
At last, she truly understood what it meant when someone said they were “worried.” Finally, she understood what Gideon meant when he had said, You don’t understand.
She really hadn’t known.
‘…So that’s why I need to seek not the most appropriate way, but the best way.’
Not the optimal. The best.
It was a clear answer. Strangely, it left her feeling lighter.
It wouldn’t be easy to change habits ingrained in her body overnight, but now that she understood, she would gradually get better.
Lillieta let out a long breath, as if releasing everything that had been bottled up inside her, and slowly nodded.
“I understand, Gide. What you meant by choosing the best.”
“…”
“And I understand why. So, um…”
As she struggled to explain what she had just realized, Gideon studied her face quietly. Then, suddenly, he smiled like ice melting and gently pulled her into his arms.
“Yes, Rita… thank you.”
So you’ve understood without me having to say more.
She felt his sigh of relief against the back of her neck, and awkwardly muttered:
“This isn’t really something to thank me for. I was the problem, wasn’t I?”
“Rita, I’ll say it again—I’m not blaming you or calling your judgment wrong. I just wanted you to sometimes look back, because there are things more important than the right answer. I only want you to consider the hearts of the people around you a little more…”
With his chin resting on her shoulder, Gideon inhaled deeply. His chest swelled against her back, and she felt the pounding of his heart.
“…So of course I should thank you. You’re willing to change your ways and standards, just for our sake.”
Lillieta smiled before she realized it.
How could she not give in when he understood, respected, and persuaded her like this? How could she not change when he offered her such a new solution to her tangled emotions?
Gideon, this is why I like you. This is why others follow you, too, our squad leader. And this is why, in a future that hasn’t come yet, you’ll become a hero and a beacon of hope for countless people.
She hugged him back, speaking with a faint laugh in her voice.
“You know, Gide, you’re really good at handling people.”
“Was that a compliment?”
“Yeah, a compliment.”
“Then that’s all I need.”
Still holding her, he let out a low laugh.
Then, suddenly, his tone turned cold.
“Now then, let’s talk about that ridiculous misunderstanding of yours.”
“…Huh? What misunderstanding?”
“About who, with whom, and doing what?”
“Ah.”
Only then did Rita remember the earlier matter and instinctively pushed him away.
“Right, that’s exactly why you should stop sticking so close to me like this. It makes people misunderstand.”
“Misunderstand?”
Gideon’s expression shifted oddly.
He let her push him, but when she tried to sit down on the ground, he firmly stopped her. Instead, he pulled her back onto his lap, his thigh supporting her, and asked:
“Misunderstand what, exactly?”
“Obviously about you and me.”
“And what about us? We’re just the same as we’ve always been. It’s only us here anyway—no one around to misunderstand anything. So what’s the problem?”
“That’s nonsense. Of course it’s a problem.”
Rita shot him a look, replying in exasperation.
“Gide, are you even aware that we’re a man and a woman?”
“…What?”
“No matter how long we’ve been together since childhood, we’re both adults now. Things can’t just stay the same as before. Even if no one else is watching, it’s the same. Be aware of that.”
“…Hah.”
Gideon’s twisted mouth lost its shape. He stared at her blankly for a long moment, then slowly rubbed his face with both hands.
“To hell with plans, this is just…”
“Plans? What are you talking about?”
“Rita.”
Suddenly, he reached out.
Through the torn and blood-soaked fabric of her dress, on the upper part of her thigh, was a bruise left from where he had pressed with his hand to staunch the bleeding.
He placed his hand gently over that red mark on her pale skin. Then his thumb stroked softly, rubbing the bruise he himself had made.
It didn’t hurt, but the strange sensation made Rita flinch before she could stop herself. Pausing to watch her reaction, Gideon then asked in a low voice:
“Are you the one who’s really aware?”
“…What?”
“If you actually had any awareness at all…”
His hand, which had been caressing the bruise, slowly began to move outward.
She only watched in bewilderment as his long, thick fingers crawled upward along the smooth skin of her thigh.
Yet Rita still didn’t stop him.
She trusted him completely, assuming he had a reason for everything. That trust made Gideon both grateful and angry. Clutching her unguarded skin, he spoke in a roughened voice:
“…There’s no way I’d let myself do something like this.”
“…!”
At those words, Rita finally realized. This touch wasn’t treatment. It wasn’t comfort. It wasn’t a mistake.
Then what was it?
When she instinctively pulled her legs together, Gideon immediately withdrew his hand. He picked up the cloak he had thrown aside earlier and draped it over her torn dress.
Turning his head away, he muttered in a crooked tone:
“Be the one to be aware, Lillieta. I already am—far too much for my own good.”
