Chapter : 36
The next day, I went for a walk at the usual time, but Calyx didn’t appear on the walking path.
He used to show up every day as if he wanted to see me…
I had hoped he would come, because I wanted to confirm my assumptions about him, so when he didn’t show up, I felt a bit deflated.
I headed to the library.
Even when I got there, I couldn’t really think of what I wanted to read or what I should read. My mind wasn’t calm enough to focus on a book.
Standing in front of the shelves, I stared blankly at whatever book I could grab, but my head was so full of thoughts that the words didn’t even register.
“Sigh… Calyx…”
I muttered his name under my breath with a sigh.
“Does it even have my name written in it?”
“!!!!”
Startled by Calyx’s sudden appearance, I dropped the book.
When did he even arrive? How long had he been watching me?
He smiled faintly at my surprise, picked up the book from my feet, and read the title aloud.
“Food Culture and Recipes of the Everetian Empire?”
“…?”
Food culture and recipes? Why was I reading something like this?
I hadn’t even realized what book I was holding, so hearing him read the title aloud made me flustered.
“I don’t think my name would be in this book, Kaelin?”
“Ah… well….”
“You were thinking about me, weren’t you?”
He stared at me intently as he spoke.
Yes. I was thinking about you. Of course, I was thinking about you—lately, my mind has been full of nothing but thoughts of you!
We just stared at each other silently, and Calyx smiled.
“I’m curious about what you were thinking about me.”
What could I say? How to cook and boil you just right so you don’t kill me? That’s a worry I have at least twenty-four times a day.
But today, another thought was added: I wanted to confirm whether my assumptions about you were correct.
After thinking for a moment about how to phrase it, I finally spoke.
“Calyx, I’d like to step outside the library to talk for a moment.”
Calyx glanced around as if realizing for the first time that we were in the library, then nodded and started leaving.
I quietly followed him.
Once outside, he immediately asked,
“What’s on your mind?”
I swallowed nervously and mustered the courage to ask,
“Calyx, why did your feelings change suddenly to love me, when you previously had no interest in me?”
I had asked this before but never received an answer. This time, I wanted to know for certain.
I needed to understand him to respond appropriately.
“Kaelin. That’s not really something I want to discuss.”
“But I’m curious.”
He suddenly crossed his arms.
“Then if you answer my question first, I’ll answer yours.”
I had already asked, yet he deflected with another question, just like last time.
“Alright. I’ll answer.”
Still, I had no energy to argue. I could only comply.
“Are you certain you don’t love Leon?”
Ah, that again? Fine. I’ll say it clearly.
“As I’ve said many times, I do not love Duke Leon. I have no interest in him at all. Please remember that. Absolutely!”
“Then why did Duke Brockbark align with Leon?”
“!!!!!”
I hadn’t expected such a blunt question.
“That was… beyond my control.”
He already knew about my father’s and the Empress’s alliance. Denying it would only undermine his trust in me.
I decided not to go into a long explanation about how the former Kaelin loved Leon, but the current me did not. Ultimately, whether he believed me or not was his choice.
“So you’re telling the truth?”
Did he believe me?
“Yes!”
I nodded firmly as I answered.
“Then one more question.”
He has a lot he wants to know, too. Fine, ask away. I’ll ask him later.
“Yes. Go ahead.”
“Did you love Eden Dacus? I realized last time I didn’t get a clear answer.”
Back to Eden again. I let out a sigh. Somehow, I’d ended up being a woman with a complicated past.
“No. I was merely planning to marry him.”
“I thought you said you loved him.”
Last time, I had just let it slide. But now… what should I say?
Calyx knows about my father’s and the Empress’s alliance. If I said I tried to leave under the pretense of marrying Eden against my father’s wishes, would he believe me?
Should I admit I never truly loved him? No, that would acknowledge too openly the conspiracy my father and the Empress were planning.
Should I say I mistook admiration for love? No, I already used that line on Calyx before.
I regretted not preparing a proper answer, thinking he’d take Eden lightly.
After a brief but intense struggle in my mind, I decided to speak ambiguously but truthfully.
“I hoped that if I married Eden, I could live loving him. But I did not actually love him.”
Please let this pass. Please… I prayed earnestly.
Calyx didn’t respond but simply stared at me.
I met his gaze calmly, letting my eyes convey that everything I said was the truth.
After a long pause, Calyx finally spoke.
“Eden Dacus?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why did he want to marry you?”
“…….”
I couldn’t answer that. Let him ask Eden directly.
“He must have loved you.”
That’s not true…
“I don’t think so either.”
“You seem to have a complicated romantic history.”
“….”
Ugh… My emotions sank to the floor instantly, but I had nothing to say.
At least he had finished asking his questions. I had answered them all. Now it was my turn.
“Now, Calyx, please answer me. Why did your feelings change? You once avoided me, showed no interest, and now you suddenly… feel differently?”
This time, he answered immediately.
“I had a memory problem.”
!!!!!!!!!!
Exactly! That’s it! I knew it.
A jolt of electricity seemed to pass through my whole body.
But I said nothing, keeping my lips tightly sealed. I couldn’t risk a slip as a writer.
“Memory problem?”
I widened my eyes as if I couldn’t believe what I heard.
Calyx continued without caution, as if I had naturally responded.
“Six years ago, I suddenly suffered severe headaches. For a period, my memories were lost. And the memories that vanished all related to you. Strange, isn’t it?”
“….”
Severe headaches? And only memories related to me disappeared? All of a sudden?
“And you started bringing them back. Eventually, all returned—the memories of you and the feelings I had for you.”
Why did the memories disappear suddenly? What happened?
Reading the confusion on my face, Calyx added, almost as if explaining.
“One day, they just vanished. Like there was a huge hole in my memory. I kept it hidden, but now that I remember everything, there’s no need to hide it.”
Hmm… I see. So he lost his memory and concealed it. That makes sense. He needed to restrain the Empress’s faction, who constantly threatened the heir’s position.
Now that he remembers everything, it’s no longer a weakness.
“Everything’s back now?”
“Yes. Everything’s back. Nothing has changed much. Those memories were all about you, Kaelin.”
“….”
“I’m glad my memories returned before you left for the Dacus Empire. Otherwise, I might have started a war just to find you.”
“!!!”
Am I supposed to be ‘Helena’? He’d wage a war just to find me?
Even though Everetia and Dacus might end up at war over the iron mines in Aolium, imagining myself as the cause of a war was terrifying.
If he really started a war to reclaim me, it wouldn’t just be a minor skirmish over Aolium—it would be a full-scale war.
Suddenly, I felt a chill. Perhaps being interrupted halfway was a blessing.
“You’re not very surprised that I lost my memories,” Calyx said, breaking my thoughts.
“Ah, that’s… because you were strange, Calyx. Your feelings suddenly changed.”
I wasn’t surprised because I had expected it.
“By strange, do you mean it’s strange that I came to love you, or that I didn’t love you until recently?”
Both were strange! But why bring up the past suddenly? It made me anxious.
Calyx continued.
“Now that I think about it, you used to act as if it were natural for me to love you. You couldn’t have known my past feelings for you.”
!!!!!
He really thought deeply about everything. My past words, when I said he could obsess over me and openly love me, he must have considered them carefully.
What should I say?
Struggling to find words, I listened as he muttered his thoughts.
“You know a lot about me. I don’t know why, though.”
!!!!
I broke out in a cold sweat. Had I revealed too much as a writer?
Well, whatever. I have to fix this somehow.
“Calyx! I told you I respected you. I was interested in you, too. Maybe my feelings were somewhere between respect, interest, and ‘affection,’ to the point where I was confused. That’s why I spoke as I did, hoping you might love me in return!”
I carefully phrased it so I could later say I loved him. Respect, love, or somewhere in between.
Next time, I’ll just say I love him.
But to my surprise, Calyx responded in a way that defied logic.
“It wasn’t respect, was it? Perhaps it was that you truly liked me all along?”
Does love make people believe whatever they want? No rational person would easily believe my words, yet he accepted them so readily.
