Chapter 45
“Did you plan to do this from the start?”
The question was barely a whisper, almost too soft to hear. Yet Ivan didn’t miss it. More precisely, it wasn’t hard to catch the sound since Amelia was still leaning against his body.
“No.”
Ivan answered. Without further explanation, it was unclear exactly what he was denying. But Amelia wanted to interpret it however she wished—she had no strength left to bear any more pain.
Slowly, Amelia closed her eyes. She felt like falling asleep just like this, to escape and ignore everything. Her weary mind was beginning to shut down her consciousness. Then a thought struck her head — one thing she hadn’t confronted yet. Her eyes snapped open.
Ian, my son.
“Ian.”
“……”
“What do you plan to do about Ian?”
But she couldn’t neglect even her child’s matter. After all, Amelia was his mother. She had carried him for almost ten months and kept him close for three months after birth.
“That child…”
Ivan hesitated, unable to continue speaking for a moment. It was clear he had never deeply thought about the child.
“If you pretend not to know, Ian will die.”
“I won’t let him die.”
Still, she quickly rejected the idea that her son would perish if Ivan turned his back on him.
“I won’t let him die. He’s a child you’ve protected with difficulty.”
Ivan mentioned Ian’s fate once more. Amelia silently looked down at her own hand, caught in his grip.
“How? By acknowledging him as your child?”
“No.”
“……”
“But even if the temple falls, the child will grow up inside the palace.”
But the words that followed immediately made Amelia sit up. She pulled her hand free from Ivan’s grasp and sat apart from him.
“You won’t acknowledge him as your child?”
“……”
“Forever, you mean?”
Her question revealed a childlike shock on her face. But Ivan did not waver in his decision.
“Well, now that it’s come to this, I’ll be honest.”
He was just finally telling the truth he had been avoiding.
“Amelia, if it is revealed that Ian is your child — and if it becomes known what you’ve done at the temple —”
“……”
“You will be deemed a traitor, and the child will be the offspring of a traitor. Even if he’s my blood, he won’t be protected.”
What kindness Ivan could offer would only be to free Ian from slavery, nothing more. That alone would wound Ian. Ivan said so. It would leave him with memories of being abandoned by his father and mocked by others forever.
“For your honor, and for the child’s peace, it’s better to say he’s a child of someone unknown.”
She couldn’t believe it. She had never imagined Ivan would say such a thing. Hadn’t he asked for more time? Didn’t he say that acknowledging Ian as his child was difficult now but might come later?
“But Ian is still your child. How can you…?”
It was hard to accept Ivan’s explanation. No matter how plausible his words sounded, she couldn’t understand why a child with living parents had to grow up thinking he had been abandoned on the street.
“Amelia.”
“I… yeah. Even if you treat me as a mistress…”
No, actually, I hate that too. But—
Amelia rambled and then buried her face in her hands. Her thoughts were a tangled mess, unable to be sorted.
“I’ll do as you say. Even if you marry and I become your mistress, it doesn’t matter.”
“……”
“But after everything settles, can you accept Ian? I won’t say I’m his mother.”
Unconsciously, the tears she had barely stopped began to fall again. Amelia clung to Ivan’s sleeve and pleaded.
“If my existence causes trouble, I won’t get involved. Wouldn’t that solve everything?”
“The royal succession isn’t that simple. And what kind of existence would a child born without marriage, registered first, become later?”
“……”
“If I marry and have children, that child will become the greatest rival to the empress and the crown prince.”
Ivan asked her with an expressionless face if she wanted that. If she wished their child to live a life constantly under threat. A life barely worth living.
But she sensed his real intention wasn’t that. He didn’t want to create anything that threatened the “real” children born to his consort. Ian was not significant to him.
“Are you really going to make Ian a mere servant for the children you’ll have later?”
Her voice sank into the mire of despair. Ivan, who had always pierced her heart with empty words, was silent for a moment.
“You want him to grow up not knowing you’re his father, and serve his half-brothers as his lords? Are you serious?”
It was strange. Her vision blurred so nothing was visible, but his true feelings shone through clearly. The vague fears she had kept avoiding now revealed themselves, and she could finally face the way he looked at her.
“You.”
With a trembling voice, Amelia called Ivan—not with the usual tender “Ivan,” but a sound barely forming from a mix of bitter truth, grief, and crushing despair.
“You never intended to acknowledge Ian as your child from the start when you brought us here, did you?”
She asked. Even as tears fell and stained the dark green blanket, her body betrayed her—she should have been stronger, should have pressed him harder. But she couldn’t stop herself.
“Am I right?”
Ivan didn’t answer. But it wasn’t hard to guess the silence meant yes.
“Ah…”
Amelia groaned, laced with sorrow. Her hands, unsure where to place themselves, trembled near her face. The mix of sadness and anger was maddening.
“Then why did you bring him here? Why, why bring him to the palace… why…”
The words escaped her mouth unfinished and unrefined. She couldn’t bring herself to speak them fully.
“To get him out of there.”
“……”
“It was better than letting him die there. You wanted that too.”
But Ivan seemed to know what words would follow. He revealed his true feelings.
“Damn bastard…”
Unable to hold back, Amelia spat curses. The words she screamed through tears barely landed with impact. Ivan’s expression remained unchanged, neither surprised nor angry, but it told her everything.
“You son of a bitch.”
If only she had understood his heart earlier. What he was thinking, what he felt toward her. Instead, she had blinded herself with shallow hope and overflowing affection that he would save her.
“Did you ever love me? Did you ever really consider Ian your child?”
Tears streamed down her face, making her look pitiful—she knew how pathetic she must seem, begging for affection like that. But she couldn’t help asking.
“Was I the only one who loved you?”
She hoped it wasn’t just her illusion.
“I don’t need a woman to spend the night with someone I don’t care about.”
Ivan answered. It was sincere yet a lie. He wasn’t the kind of man who needed a woman that badly, but neither had he truly kept Amelia in his heart. Before, she had read meaning into even his careless words, but now she could see through even his evasive remarks.
“Lies.”
She wished she had never known. Amelia despaired.
“I should have just been left to die there.”
It was honest. She thought it would have been better if Ivan waged war on the temple and stabbed a knife through her heart and won.
For a brief moment, she had given him everything she had—her guilt, her apologies, her love. Her whole heart, even her body and child.
“Get out.”
Suddenly, anger surged. Amelia exploded, telling Ivan to leave her chamber immediately.
“Amelia.”
“Get out of my sight. Please.”
Some might call her foolish, but Ivan was the only one in her world, where even contact and relationships were controlled by others. The only one who treated her like a person. That was why she didn’t hesitate to show her true feelings.
But if she had known it would end like this—
“Please.”
“……”
“Please go. Ivan, please.”
As she thought that, unbearable sadness crushed her mind. Amelia begged like a scream, then buried her face in the thick blanket. No sound escaped, but her trembling shoulders made it clear she was crying quietly.
Ivan left her chamber as he was. Amelia traced the fading sound of his footsteps with her ears, and thought:
We really meant nothing to you.
She had thought it was enough just to be near him, and as long as Ian was safe, she was willing to be a mere mistress. Now, that was laughable. Silent sobs quietly shook the chamber.
