Chapter 3
The Tunnel of Memories (2)
Four weeks passed since I shut myself in my room and devoted myself to addiction treatment, and I could feel my strength slowly returning from the depths.
The lingering tremors in my hands and feet noticeably decreased, and I even started to regain a bit of color in my face.
I still looked hollow, but at least I no longer looked like a corpse.
“Miss, how about this one?”
“Yeah. Let’s go with that.”
As soon as I gave permission, Rosebell beamed and brought me a pale, light-green dress.
Today, for the first time in a while, I escaped liquid meals and ate proper food.
To celebrate, I decided to take a walk in the garden for some light exercise.
I wasn’t going anywhere far, just circling the garden in front of the mansion a few times, but Rosebell carefully chose and re-chose my outfit like it was a matter of life and death.
“Miss, the sunlight is strong at midday now, so you absolutely have to wear a hat.”
“Got it.”
“Miss, your skin is delicate, so you could even get frostbite. You have to wear gloves too.”
“Okay. Bring them.”
It would’ve been natural for her to find it strange that I was following everything she said without complaining, unlike before, but Rosebell didn’t show it.
Her freckled face was glowing with excitement, like a mother proudly watching a daughter who finally listened.
“Come to think of it… Mom… it’s been so long since I’ve seen her.”
“Miss, do you miss the madam?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Maybe you could write her a letter… Ah, no. No, never mind.”
“Should I? Write a letter.”
After changing clothes and standing in front of the mirror, I said it casually.
Behind me, the gloomy face that had been fastening my dress buttons jerked up, and our eyes met in the mirror.
After reading sincerity in my eyes, Rosebell couldn’t hide her surprise this time.
“Do you think Mother will like a letter from me?”
“Of course! Of course she will! She’ll probably be so happy she’ll jump for joy! I’m sure of it!”
Rosebell got so excited she looked like she might run out immediately to fetch a writing set.
I told her to calm down first, then soothed her by saying we would go on our walk and choose the stationery together afterward.
Knock knock.
“Miss.”
A familiar voice announced itself at the door.
“Come in.”
When I allowed it, Frank, the head butler, opened the door and entered, greeting me politely.
“The master is looking for you.”
I froze halfway through putting on my hat and taking the gloves Rosebell offered.
I turned to Frank.
“My brother? Now?”
“Yes. He requests that you come to his study immediately.”
Rosebell looked at me with a tense expression.
I took my hat off.
Handing both the hat and gloves back to Rosebell, I headed toward the door.
It seemed my walk would have to wait.
***
Escorted by the head butler, I arrived in front of the study door and stared at it with fresh eyes.
There was only one person in this world that I truly struggled to face.
And he was beyond this door.
Even when Father was alive, I hated standing here.
Nine times out of ten, if I was summoned to the study, it meant I was about to be scolded for something I’d done wrong.
Knock knock.
“Your Grace. I have brought Miss Marie.”
“Enter.”
I passed Frank, whose every movement, even the simple act of opening a door, carried dignity, and stepped inside.
The door closed quietly behind me.
The air in the study was heavy.
Probably because it reflected my brother’s mood as he watched me with cold eyes.
“Sit.”
My brother, seated at the highest place in the room, pointed to a seat diagonal from him and ordered me.
Stepping on the carpet that swallowed up the sound of my footsteps, I walked to the dark green sofa, dignified and heavy-looking, and sat down without a sound.
Even after I sat where he indicated, my brother stayed silent for a long time.
“It’s been a while.”
When I greeted him first, his thick eyebrows twitched into a frown.
“I heard you’ve been very busy lately. Have you eaten?”
“Since when did you ever care about my meals? The fact that you’re changing the subject means you already know what this is about.”
“What did Bastian say?”
The moment my words left my mouth, my brother threw the paper he was holding at me.
It landed crumpled on my lap.
I unfolded it and checked the contents.
It was a request for annulment.
“They say you caused a disturbance in broad daylight, in the middle of a crowded street. Even if the young Grand Duke of Bastian hadn’t been there, this was bound to happen sooner or later. Tell me. Do you think this situation is unfair?”
What he meant was clear.
If I felt wronged by what I had caused, then I wasn’t even human.
With his stubborn nature, he couldn’t bring himself to say it that directly, but his burning eyes showed his anger clearly.
It felt like my heart dropped with a heavy thud.
Of course my brother was angry at me.
From the moment I was called, I could roughly guess why.
And I walked in expecting to be shouted at.
So why was I surprised?
Because the angry storm in his eyes wasn’t crashing down on me alone.
In my past life, I’d seen countless angry eyes.
At school.
At home.
At my part-time jobs.
At work.
Big and small storms of anger rose without warning and crashed down on me, even as I was just trying to keep the gears of daily life turning.
No matter how hard I tried to endure, they beat me down, shattered me, and broke me until I couldn’t even stand up straight anymore.
As if they refused to acknowledge that I was a person, they humiliated me and demanded obedience.
As if their greatest mission on earth was to erase my existence, they attacked me with knives hidden in their words and eyes.
Like zombies who only had the urge to tear something apart, they were that horrible.
And because of that…
I could now read something in my brother’s gaze that the old me, Marie Ferdina, never could have read.
My brother was even more furious at Bastian, the one who had asked to break the engagement.
So my brother… was someone soft with me.
Only now did I realize it.
What had I even been looking at all this time?
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you think this is something that ends with one apology?!”
As if the anger he’d been holding back exploded, my brother raised his voice.
I admitted my fault again.
“I’m sorry, Brother. I lacked virtue, and I brought great shame to our house.”
Like he said, this wasn’t a mistake that could be solved with a few words.
But I still wanted to apologize.
No, I had to.
“There’s no excuse like ‘I was immature.’ I caused all of this myself, so I’ll carry it myself. I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“Carry it? Where are you going?”
“If I remain in the capital like this, it’ll only take longer for our family’s honor to recover. They say humans are animals of forgetting. I’ll leave the capital until people forget about me.”
“Leave the capital? Where exactly do you plan on going? If you’re thinking of shopping in the Horesion Tourism District, I told you clearly that you’re not allowed.”
My brother’s growl was fierce enough to be terrifying, like an angry beast.
And yet, for some reason…
I wasn’t as afraid of him as I used to be.
Rather than fear, I felt something else swelling up inside me, like the strange joy of meeting long-lost family after years apart.
Laughter and tears rose together.
“I’m going to Mother. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her, and I miss her. I’m also worried about how much her health has recovered.”
My brother’s face, clearly shocked, finally made him look like someone his age.
He couldn’t help it.
After Father suddenly passed away, Mother collapsed from the shock, and her illness worsened.
On the doctor’s advice that she needed to recuperate somewhere warm, quiet, and with clean air, she had gone down to the estate lands.
And it had already been more than two years.
My brother worried about sending her so far away alone, so he urged me to go with her and stay there.
But I refused.
And not just a polite refusal, either.
I screamed and cried, throwing a fit, saying how could I live in some countryside backwater like that?
In the end, Mother said she was fine and stopped my brother from arguing.
Then she quietly left for the estate with only a few servants.
From the day she left, the way my brother looked at me changed completely.
Cold.
Terrifying.
Every time our eyes met, it felt so icy and sharp that my heart shrank.
That was probably the moment when my brother finally gave up the hope he had never quite let go of.
But if I thought about it another way…
It also meant my brother had tried to hold on to me, no matter what, and wanted to keep going together until the very end, even while I behaved like a complete lunatic.
My brother and I were only three years apart.
The age he was now, after Father died and he inherited the title and had to lead the family…
It was the same age I had been in my past life.
Through the eyes of someone who carried even those past-life memories, my brother looked fresh like a young sprout.
And yet he was also so steady and reliable.
In my past life, I also had an older brother.
A brother whose name I always cursed by putting “damn” in front of it, yet it never once made me feel better.
That bastard was five years older than me, and he still stole money from me constantly.
A thug with no responsibility, not even a speck under his fingernail.
A disgrace who drank himself into a beast, unable to recognize his own parents or siblings.
That was my family.
I don’t want to blame my death entirely on that damn brother, but still…
Instead of going to the hospital right nearby that I could’ve walked to, I tried to go to the police station.
And that’s how I ended up in the accident.
So it’s not like he had no responsibility at all.
And yet, even though I couldn’t bring myself to abandon such a trash human being because he was still family…
Why did I hate someone like this, someone so upright and responsible, so much?
“You must suspect I’m putting on an act to get out of this. You should. Doubt me all you want. Watch me while you doubt me. And if I deserve punishment, I’ll accept it willingly.”
My brother stared at me sharply, as if trying to read my true intentions without leaving a single gap.
“I heard you cut off all contact with high society and shut yourself away. They said you were focusing on addiction treatment, but… you seem… different.”
“Honestly, I don’t really know either. I don’t know if I want to change, or not.”
I calmly set the crumpled paper I’d been holding down onto the table.
“I had a long, deep dream. A dream where I walked alone through a lonely, painful, exhausting tunnel for a long time. And when I finally struggled my way out of that tunnel… I don’t know. ‘Regret’ doesn’t explain it properly… but I feel sad about all the things I missed and let pass by. So now… I’m going to be a good daughter.”
“…What did you say you’re going to do?”
Seeing my brother, who never allowed even the slightest mistake in himself, stumble over his words was strangely cute.
Afraid he might think I was mocking him, I barely swallowed my laughter and spoke in a deep, serious voice.
“Be a good daughter. No matter what else happens, from now on, I’m going to take responsibility for you and Mother and make you both happy. This is non-negotiable. Absolutely non-negotiable.”
