SIDE STORY 05
“Looks like you’re okay. If you’re smiling without knowing what’s going on inside someone else.”
“Luce?”
A horrible voice slipped out. Even a cracked metallic tone would have sounded better than this.
I startled at my own voice and tried to clear my throat, and then Luce, who had been leaning against the wall just beyond the reach of dawn’s light, stepped forward. He came close to me and said,
“I have something to say.”
Thump. My heart felt like it dropped.
What could he want to say? How urgent must it be for him to come to me every dawn?
Is he going to break up with me? Did he hold back until I was fully aware, waiting for the right moment?
Of course, it wouldn’t be something you’d say to someone who’s sick.
“Later? I want to clean up a bit first; I’m a mess.”
I spoke with forced calm. The continuing rasp in my voice no longer mattered.
“I want to say it now.”
“…Is it that urgent that you’d say it to someone who’s sick?”
“I think so.”
I bit my dry lips.
Yeah. Maybe it’s better to deal with it all at once rather than trembling in fear, waiting for it to happen. Treat it like recovering from a fever, and get it over with.
“…Alright. Say it.”
Calmly. Act as if nothing’s wrong.
If Luce were going to talk about breaking up, I would just thank him for everything and send him off with relief. We’d still be friends, after all, so we could smile and say we’d meet sometimes.
“Rinnegrim.”
Meet sometimes and just see each other’s faces…
“Stop with me—”
While smiling…
“No…”
Thud. Heavy tears fell onto the back of my hand. Hot and wet. I felt Luce hesitate at my sudden crying, but I ignored it and kept speaking, leaving no room for him to bring up breaking up.
“No. I won’t. I won’t do that.”
I must be feverish. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be crying like a child without shame.
“…What do you think I’m going to say?”
“I think I know. That’s why I said no. Luce. Sorry, no, actually, I’m not sorry. Sorry for not being sorry. But I’m not going to break up with you. I don’t want to break up.”
I buried my face in the knees I had hugged tightly.
“Sorry for not giving you certainty. Sorry for not showing it. There are many other things I should apologize for, but this feels the most important. Sorry for being selfish. But I don’t want to let you go. I can’t let you go, so what am I supposed to do….”
“Rinnegrim. You—”
“I’m feverish, but I’m not talking nonsense. I wanted to apologize to you. Sorry for putting you second because of my work. Sorry for making you misunderstand. I know I was wrong too…”
Even Luce’s breathing was silent. His eyes were wide with surprise.
“But still… I really like you. Just think about it one more time, can’t we…?”
“…Rinnegrim.”
Luce reached out to me. The heat that had lingered near my chest surged to the top of my head. Just as I felt stable again, the sudden rush made me dizzy.
Before he could say anything else, Luce closed his mouth and laid me on the bed. Even as the world spun, I gripped his sleeve tightly, determined not to let him go.
As a result, Luce had no choice but to sit on the bed with me.
Sniffling sounds echoed continuously. I wished he would say something, but Luce didn’t. In this awkward silence, at least my vision was so unsteady that I couldn’t see clearly.
“Snff… snff.”
This is maddening. Why won’t the tears stop?!
I wanted him to say something. No, maybe I didn’t want him to say anything. I wanted to see his face for the first time in a while but couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes.
Embarrassed to make any sound, I pulled the blanket up to my face and dabbed at my eyes.
“…Why are you crying?”
“Snff. I don’t know… sniff.”
A shadow fell over me. I realized Luce was leaning down, looking at me.
“Who wants to cry, huh?”
His voice trembled. I could almost think the fever had transferred to him instead of me.
“Snff. Did I… pass it to you?”
“Well. You did things that could pass it on.”
I guess the problem was him coming in and out of my room every dawn.
“I didn’t mean to… sorry.”
“You kissed me, so why are you apologizing?”
Kissed? Me and Luce?
I racked my hazy memory but couldn’t recall kissing him recently.
Then that meant…
I had turned my back on a reckless person who kissed a patient and buried myself under the blanket up to my neck.
“You insane wizard. What did you do to a patient…”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“B-But you—”
“I?”
“You weren’t… trying to make me… break up?”
Luce stiffened at my words. After a long silence, he finally spoke.
“…Which bastard said that?”
There was pure anger in his voice.
I must have seriously misunderstood something.
“No, wasn’t it?”
“Rinne. Before we even talk, can I go kill the bastard who spouted nonsense to you? Just tell me the name—some annoying crown prince, or the commander who can only swing a sword?”
“Neither! Why are you assuming it’s one of those two?”
“You only meet two people who would see me and still reject me.”
“Herri was because of work! And meeting Sir Ethan was just coincidence!”
“I know.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
I grabbed Luce’s hand. When my fingers intertwined with his, they wrapped around mine softly. Luce still didn’t know how to push me away.
“Because I don’t want to.”
“What don’t you want to?”
“You’re the only one for me, but your world is filled with so many things besides me.”
“….”
“And I hate that.”
I couldn’t say anything. My open mouth must have looked ridiculous, but I couldn’t close it.
Since when could Luce say things like this? Since when could he show his feelings without hesitation?
He was admitting jealousy toward the people close to me.
“…Childish.”
“That’s why I behaved quietly.”
Luce muttered, resting his cheek on his hand, and lay next to me.
“Childish…”
Why am I smiling?
An adult being jealous should look ridiculous… but why does Luce…
“…adorable, isn’t it?”
Ah. I realized what I just said after covering my mouth.
Luce looked startled too, letting go of the hand that had been pressing against me. Despite my dizzy vision, his vivid violet eyes were clear.
“No, it’s not that—”
It wasn’t not that. I did think he was adorable.
[“If your feelings for your partner grow, what’s the point if you don’t show it? They won’t know unless you speak.”]
Marien’s advice came to mind. Her voice seemed to urge me forward.
“…No. That’s right.”
I can’t fall behind Luce, can I?
“You’re adorable, Luce.”
The oppressive silence that made me anxious lasted only a moment. Then, warmth far hotter than the fever I’d suffered for days enveloped me.
