CHAPTER 57…………………………
After Raymond left, I sat blankly staring down at the food he had handed me.
If he remembered our past life too, he probably would have thought it was a useless kindness.
But because only I remembered, their goodwill sank deep into my chest, stabbing like needles.
Wasn’t it wrong of me… even to accept the kindness and feelings they offered?
For several days, I had simply received their care with gratitude.
Now, it had become a situation where I could no longer refuse it.
Because we had become that kind of relationship.
So many emotions swirled densely inside me.
I still had a long road ahead.
So much to atone for.
And perhaps even more sins would continue to appear.
Placing the plate beside the bed, I drew my knees up close and hugged them tightly.
A situation where I couldn’t even ask for forgiveness…
If the day ever came when I could apologize to them, what kind of expression would they make?
Who knows.
Thinking about it in advance wouldn’t change anything.
Our connection might end here.
Trying to erase my thoughts, I closed my eyes and felt the holy power settled inside me.
It was quiet.
The holy power that had once surged violently had calmed, and no trace of demonic energy remained.
In a way, it almost felt as though the demonic power had transformed into holy power, becoming even greater.
My holy power was foretold to disappear in seven years…
But that could change.
It might last longer, as much as it had increased—
Or it could become shorter, depending on how much I used.
They said rampaging power was like devouring one’s own life…
Was I doing the same?
If only there was a way not to lose control…
Then I would become more useful.
My thoughts continued endlessly.
I couldn’t see outside, but it felt like everyone had already fallen asleep.
Wanting to see the night sky, I looked down at the untouched food and stepped out of bed.
Carrying the plate outside, my eyes immediately landed on Kardin again.
He sat in a chair in front of the tent, arms crossed, eyes closed.
Without realizing it, I quietly stared at him.
Even without trying to search for him, he was always there—
And in that moment, the world felt unreal.
Above, the moon hung in the sky.
And to its left, his hair shimmered like the star that clung beside it every night, swaying softly in the breeze.
Whether in dreams or in reality, my gaze filled with him could not move away.
His brow furrowed, and soon his black eyes opened.
I couldn’t look away.
Between us, a small breeze passed.
He rose from the chair and walked toward me with long strides.
Because the path was narrow, he quickly stood right before me, looking down.
“You haven’t eaten.”
“…”
“Saintess.”
“Ah…”
Only then did I lower my head and look at the food I hadn’t touched.
“I don’t have an appetite.”
Kardin raised one eyebrow and took the plate from my hands.
“I’ll bring you soup. At least eat that.”
Before I could even respond, he turned away and walked toward the center.
My eyes followed his steps.
Outside, there was no one else but us.
When he disappeared inside somewhere, my gaze wandered with nowhere to go.
Tilting my head back, I looked up at the night sky.
It was clearer than what I saw from the temple—
The moon and stars were densely scattered across it.
It was hard to believe monsters roamed a place under such a beautiful sky.
Before long, Kardin’s scent drifted back toward me.
“Saintess.”
He was suddenly standing before me again, filling my vision.
“Eat. You didn’t properly eat today.”
“…Thank you.”
Perhaps he didn’t trust my answer.
He grabbed my wrist and began walking.
I looked down at his hand holding mine.
He wasn’t gripping tightly—
Just loosely, as always.
Behind the tent, he sat me down on a chopped log and dropped down onto the ground.
I stared at the bowl resting on my thighs, then slowly lifted the spoon.
The soup wasn’t too hot—warm, easy to eat.
“Even if it doesn’t taste good, eat. It’s better than not eating.”
“…No, it’s delicious.”
“Then that’s a relief.”
Silence fell between us, and I became even more careful with every small movement.
“Saintess.”
“Yes?”
“I heard from the vice-captain.”
I recalled the conversation I had shared with Knox.
‘Ah. Some said they want to go to Ferdian territory.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Those who were injured said they wished to go.’
‘That’s a relief. If it’s Ferdian territory, they won’t regret it.’
‘The weather is different there. They might regret it.’
‘They’ll like it.’
‘…You seem certain, Saintess. Even my lord wasn’t sure.’
‘Places where good people gather are always warm.’
“The vice-captain scolded me, asking why I couldn’t be certain.”
“You can be certain.”
“Because you’re the Saintess, you know?”
Maybe he was teasing. Maybe he was serious.
I smiled.
“Kind people don’t always realize how warm they are.”
“…”
“If you’re not sure what kind of warmth you carry, then just think—since the Saintess said so, that must be who you are.”
Kardin stared at me for a long moment, then looked away.
“You too.”
“…Pardon?”
“You are a warm person. Not because you are the Saintess.”
“No.”
My answer came fast, firm.
“I’m selfish.”
“Then think that way if you want. I know your warmth, so you are warm.”
For a moment, I lost my words.
“When you return to the temple… will you ignore me again?”
I still couldn’t answer.
Glancing cautiously, Kardin looked completely calm, as if he expected it.
“Saintess.”
“…Yes, Grand Duke.”
He lifted his gaze slightly.
Once again, only I filled his eyes.
“If you step down from the position of Saintess… then…”
In that pause, my heart dropped.
What would I do, living as someone who was no longer the Saintess?
I had nowhere to go.
I wasn’t even hoping for a future.
He looked at me quietly, then spoke again.
“Shallen.”
“…”
“May I call you by your name?”
When I didn’t respond, he raised the corner of his lips slightly.
“And then… will you call me by my name too, instead of Grand Duke?”
“…If you become stained by a selfish person, the ending is always cold.”
He didn’t know that.
That’s why he offered me such sweet, gentle words.
It wasn’t an answer to his question—
But it was the best I could do.
The thought of him calling me by name made tears threaten to fall.
And when he asked me to call him by his name, his name immediately rolled across my tongue.
Still, he waited in silence.
If you keep looking at me like that…
I’ll forget my sins and smile at you.
“Later… if even then, Your Highness still feels the same…”
He smiled.
“It’s late. Let’s go inside.”
“…Yes.”
“Don’t stay out here. Sleep comfortably.”
He nodded, though I knew he wouldn’t.
Whenever it was like this, Kardin always wore that expression.
Maybe I had given him hope.
Because Kardin wasn’t the kind of man to say things like this lightly.
Even though it was only a short distance, he walked me back to the tent.
Holding the fabric, I greeted him.
“Good night.”
“Sleep well too, Saintess.”
I lifted the tent flap and went inside.
Without realizing it, I must have bitten the inside of my cheek—
I could taste blood.
Was there anyone among us who truly slept well?
At least, I didn’t.
By morning, the temple people were busy preparing to return to Melisa.
I also followed them, getting ready to leave.
I looked over the tent I had stayed in one last time.
“Saintess.”
At the voice calling me from outside, I lifted my bag.
