CHAPTER 45……………………………………..
“…We meet again.”
Tears welled up, filling her eyes once more—eyes that hadn’t even had time to dry.
Yet her voice was calm, like gentle ripples on water.
Cardin was real, but she still seemed to think this was a dream.
“You know what? I’ve seen you a lot today.”
“You’ve seen me a lot today?”
“…Yeah. So, can’t you not go this time? Just this once, please.”
He considered telling her this wasn’t a dream, asking her to come to her senses, asking if her body was all right.
But when he looked into her eyes, he decided it was better to swallow those words for now.
Just where was he going in her dreams, that she pleaded like this?
When Cardin didn’t answer, her eyes overflowed with tears again—
as if they were about to fall at any moment.
“Am I not allowed to go?”
“I don’t want to lose you anymore. I don’t even want to lose you in my dreams.”
After saying that, Shalen slowly closed her eyes, then opened them again. As if waiting for it, tears spilled down.
He wanted to ask her why. He wanted to ask what kind of dream she was having.
But more than anything, he didn’t want her to cry.
As he wiped her tears, he nodded.
“I won’t go. So please don’t cry.”
Shalen’s eyes widened, as if she had heard something utterly unexpected.
Then, without hiding her overflowing emotion, she smiled.
And yet—she cried again.
He had never seen someone cry this much.
No one had ever cried for him before.
Not his father, the king.
Not his mother, the queen.
Was seeing someone cry always this painful?
No—he felt it was only because it was her.
Shalen, who had been smiling, slowly blinked and asked,
“…Then, in this dream, will you stay with me?”
After asking, she bit her lip anxiously.
Though she wouldn’t remember it, just as before, Cardin gently pressed her lower lip with his thumb and replied,
“Gladly. I will stay with you.”
Seeing her so childishly happy, he couldn’t bring himself to say that this wasn’t a dream.
Perhaps this was the sight he had wanted to see all along.
Her blue eyes, filled only with him, slowly closed as if reassured.
The corners of her lips curved softly upward.
Cardin kept his gaze on her face for a long time—
until Shalen fully fell asleep.
Outside the cave, the rain continued to fall.
The only thing that had changed was the sound of her breathing.
* * *
The weather felt unreal—nothing like the bitter winter of the North.
That was how I knew this was a dream.
Perhaps because I lost consciousness after seeing him last, my subconscious was showing me my past life again. The scenery was familiar.
I lowered my head and looked at my hands. They felt normal—no sense of wrongness.
The sound of hooves made me look up, and I saw Cardin.
He was riding toward me, leading the grand duke’s knights.
As if to brand this as a dream, both he and the knights looked different from just moments ago.
Even knowing it wasn’t real, my heart sank at the familiar sight.
I ran along the snow-covered road.
Cardin saw me, raised one hand, and brought his horse to a halt. The knights behind him stopped as well.
My shoes sank deep into the snow, soaking my feet and the hem of my dress, but it didn’t hurt.
“Madam.”
Frowning, Cardin dismounted and walked toward me.
With his long strides, the distance between us closed quickly.
Even though it was a dream, my chest ached—different from the pain I had felt earlier.
Standing before me, he looked down at my reddened feet.
It was only a dream. My feet were red merely from touching snow.
And yet, he was about to worry for me again.
“…Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back soon, so don’t worry—”
Unlike the last dream, my body moved freely, and I could speak to him.
“That’s not true. You won’t come back.”
It felt like I was scolding myself for foolishly hoping, even for a moment, that seeing him again in a dream meant something.
He was on his way to join the war between the Holy Kingdom of Melissa and the Kingdom of Nicholas.
Behind Cardin, the grand duke’s banner fluttered in the wind.
“You just have to wait a little longer.”
“Can’t you not go? Please don’t go.”
“…I won’t be long.”
A lie.
Why, even in a dream, were you choosing that path again?
Even now, he didn’t say he was going to war because of me—just like in my past life, when he tried to keep me in the dark.
My first life.
“If you’re going because of me, then don’t go. Please don’t.”
“Madam, it’s cold.”
I couldn’t feel the cold at all, but I knew the voice calling me from behind—so familiar—was warm.
The head maid of the grand duke’s household draped a thick shawl over my shoulders and lowered her brows.
“Please take the madam inside.”
“Cardin!”
“I’ll be back soon. Don’t worry.”
Looking down at me as I clung to his sleeve, he pressed his forehead to mine.
“…Cardin.”
When he pulled away like a dream, hands gripped my shoulders from behind—filled with concern meant for me.
“You’ll be all right, Madam.”
At Marie’s words, I couldn’t respond.
I knew the ending that belonged to this life.
Before I knew it, he was mounted again, leading the knights out of the estate.
I collapsed to the ground.
Watching his back as he headed there because of me—it was unbearable. My tears wouldn’t stop.
“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Cardin.”
Marie held me, telling me everything would be fine.
But contrary to her words, even in my dream, I lost you again.
The dream carried me to another day.
I stood before your office. Perhaps this was after your first death.
Voices came from inside.
Knowing this was a dream, I flung the door open.
Inside were the grand duke’s butler, the vice-captain of the knights—Nox—and Cardin.
When he saw me, Cardin immediately put the paper he was holding into a drawer.
“What brings you here at this hour, Madam?”
My second life.
The life where I had practically killed you with my own hands.
Click. Click.
As I walked toward him, the butler and Nox turned to look at me.
“Cardin.”
Perhaps because my expression was so serious, he looked at me with concern, then stood and walked toward me.
“What’s wrong?”
“Are you going to war again?”
The two men froze, looking back and forth between us.
“You may withdraw.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Understood.”
The butler and Nox exited the office. As the door closed, Cardin stood before me.
Because of our height difference, I had to tilt my head back, and he bent forward slightly.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t go.”
“Did the Holy Kingdom contact you?”
“…Don’t go, Cardin. Stay with me.”
It was a life already past, but even if only in a dream, I wanted to save you.
But Cardin answered me just as he always had.
That it wouldn’t take long.
That he would return if I just waited a little.
That he wouldn’t be hurt, so I shouldn’t worry.
And just like that, our conversation ended.
You made the same choice again.
The next place the dream led me to was once again before you—
but it was different.
You were cold and lifeless.
A sight I never wanted to see again.
As if leaving for war without telling me was doomed to repeat even in this cruel dream, this time I wasn’t even given a chance.
Holding your hand atop the coffin, I cried endlessly, just like before.
My vision darkened again.
Was this the end?
It seemed I couldn’t save you in a world that had already vanished.
I lost you three times again.
Was resignation the only thing left for me?
As I thought that, the darkness lifted.
My vision was slightly blurred, but Cardin filled my sight.
“…We meet again.”
Seeing you again—alive, not a cold corpse—even in a dream, felt like a blessing.
Tears welled up, blurring your face. I wanted to see you more clearly.
“You know what? I’ve seen you a lot today.”
I swallowed the words: I had to watch you die three times again.
“You’ve seen me a lot today?”
At Cardin’s words, I answered stubbornly,
“…Yeah. So, can’t you not go this time? Just this once, please.”
“Am I not allowed to go?”
“I don’t want to lose you anymore. I don’t even want to lose you in my dreams.”
Though it must have been hard to understand, Cardin seemed to think wiping my tears came first, gently brushing the corner of my eye.
“I won’t go. So please don’t cry.”
For the first time in this terrible dream, Cardin said he wouldn’t leave.
Even though it was a dream, I couldn’t believe it, so I asked again,
“…Then, in this dream, will you stay with me?”
“Gladly. I will stay with you.”
After losing him three times, I finally saved you.
No—
you saved me.
