Chapter 98
From a distance, a man was on the phone. He was muttering something while looking around. The man turned his head from the 12 o’clock to the 3 o’clock direction. Then he slammed on the brakes with a screech and turned his head back to the 1 o’clock direction.
The man couldn’t take his eyes off the 1 o’clock direction. He stood dazed for about three seconds, mouth half open. Then, whatever the person on the other end of the phone said snapped him back to reality. Still staring toward 1 o’clock, he answered the phone absentmindedly.
Eventually, the man seemed to decide it was time to leave and slowly started walking. But even then, his gaze, dripping with lingering attachment, remained fixed on the 1 o’clock direction. He forced himself to pull his eyes and feet away and finally left.
Noeul watched the man’s retreating figure.
“Mulled wine tastes good,” Jiwoo said, putting her cup down on the table.
Hansol sipped his warm Americano.
The man had been looking at Jiwoo and Hansol sitting at the outdoor café table. In truth, it wasn’t that surprising. Wherever Jiwoo and Hansol went, men like that were always around. Noeul was used to it by now and didn’t feel much seeing men like that anymore.
…Or so he thought.
Every time he saw those kinds of guys, he got ridiculously pissed all over again. Not a single one escaped his wrath. It was almost amazing how consistently angry he could get without tiring.
Especially if the guy was good-looking, he’d get so furious he’d mutter impossible curses under his breath.
“…Why the hell is that bastard staring? Just go on your way. Damn, he looks like he’s got a girlfriend too… Anyway, the problem with guys with balls is that they can’t control their eyes… Damn, he’s obviously the type to chase women…”
And the moment his eyes met the guy’s, he’d immediately look away.
When Noeul first started hanging out with Jiwoo and Hansol, it didn’t happen like this. It was natural for men to glance at Jiwoo and Hansol, and he was more concerned about what they would think of him in the middle.
Of course, he still cared now. The difference was that before he would feel intimidated, but now… angry, maybe…?
…Damn! Never seen an ugly guy before? Never seen a really ugly guy hanging out with two ridiculously pretty girls? It’s the first time! So what!
…This had transformed into a strange kind of anger.
“…Aren’t you guys cold?” Noeul asked.
“A little chilly,” Jiwoo replied.
“Then why insist on eating outside?”
“Mulled wine tastes best when it’s a little chilly,” Jiwoo said.
…Or do you just want to enjoy being looked at?
A sarcastic voice echoed inside Noeul’s head.
Honestly, even if it were true, he couldn’t blame her. If you looked like that, wouldn’t you want the attention? Just sitting there, your self-esteem would rise, dopamine would surge. Even Noeul would probably do the same if he walked down the streets of Gangnam every day.
Yeah. Even though Noeul was ugly, he understood that feeling. He got it. But knowing something doesn’t help control your emotions. You worry even if it doesn’t solve anything, you get angry even if it makes things worse. Understanding someone doesn’t mean you can stop resenting them.
-
…Why aren’t you answering? Think I wouldn’t? Get mad if I heard you were dating someone?
Junki’s girlfriend probably felt the same.
Noeul was annoyed at how much he empathized with Junki’s girlfriend. He didn’t want to understand Yunjung’s feelings. He wanted to think, What’s wrong with her? She’s making a fuss over nothing. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t curse Yunjung.
He wasn’t even dating Jiwoo or Hansol right now. Yet he was this annoyed. What if he actually dated one of them?
“……”
Noeul briefly let his imagination run wild.
…Dating her… she might innocently talk about some guy… She worked on a project with him, he was funny… seemed like a nice person… Noeul would probably fake a reaction: “Ah, yeah, he’s a good friend,” while inside, his heart would be like a pit of lava… His expression would stiffen. He’d speak less. She’d ask why he was like that. He’d even be annoyed at the question. But he’d endure with all his strength. He has to be a good boyfriend… And then he’d explode at something ridiculous. “Why did you suggest kimchi stew instead of soybean paste stew? Don’t you know I like doenjang? How can you do this? You’re always like this…” And he’d blame himself. Idiot, you idiot. Next time, he’d try to hold back, but the signs would show, his self-loathing would grow, and he’d end up mentally broken. She’d leave, and Noeul would retreat into a cave of misery…
“……”
Noeul suddenly felt thankful that he wasn’t dating Jiwoo or Hansol.
Yeah. It wasn’t too late. Noeul still had a chance. He could avoid this future. Even now, he could break free from desire and make a wise choice…
“Why did you spend the whole weekend studying for TOEFL?”
“……”
“…Hannoel.”
“……”
“Hey. Hannoel.”
“…Huh?”
Hansol’s voice pulled Noeul out of his thoughts.
“Was your weekend okay?”
…Weekend? What did I do on the weekend…?
…Oh, I went to Jiwoo’s.
“Yeah, it was fun,” Noeul said.
“Really? Studying for TOEFL?”
“Toe…FL?”
What is he talking about?
Noeul stared blankly at Hansol for a moment. Then he remembered the chat he had with Hansol over the weekend.
“…Ah. Uh… yeah. It was fun. Worth doing,” Noeul said, pretending to be casual.
Hansol stared at Noeul without changing expression. He blinked once… and again…
Seeing that, a cold sweat ran down Noeul’s back.
That expression… noticing something strange… trying to read Noeul’s mind…
Noeul silently prayed that Hansol wouldn’t notice, that he’d just let it pass.
But Noeul’s prayer was useless.
Hansol suddenly turned to look at Jiwoo. Jiwoo, like Noeul, was reading Hansol’s cues, and as soon as Hansol looked at her, she quickly averted her gaze. It was extremely unnatural.
Hansol couldn’t not notice. Rolling his eyes, he looked between Noeul and Jiwoo. Soon, his gaze fixed on Noeul.
Noeul instinctively averted his eyes from Hansol.
“…So it was fun…” Hansol said, nodding slowly. His expression was stiff and rigid.
“Bye. See you tomorrow.” Jiwoo waved.
Noeul and Hansol waved back.
They turned and walked toward the back gate.
“……”
“……”
Hansol walked silently. Noeul could feel him watching his mood. Still, Noeul appreciated that Hansol cared about him. But Hansol reminded himself that this wasn’t the time to be naive.
Why was Noeul considering Hansol’s feelings? Out of guilt for secretly meeting Jiwoo? But why feel guilty? It’s because Hansol liked him, and Noeul couldn’t return those feelings. That was why he kept it secret, so Hansol wouldn’t get hurt.
If Noeul had liked Hansol even a little more, he wouldn’t have done it. No man secretly meeting another woman while leaving the woman he liked alone. Isn’t that clear proof that Noeul liked Jiwoo more than Hansol?
Even without proof, it was obvious from the start. Hansol just tried to grasp any possible chance.
But it was useless. Even if Hansol wore a short skirt, rubbed her thighs, bit her arm, did anything… it wouldn’t work.
Should he stop here? Was there anything left to try? Even if it wouldn’t change anything, at least Hansol wouldn’t be left regretting it. Was there something to grab Noeul one last time? Even thinking this, he couldn’t completely give up hope that Noeul might change his mind. Maybe he’d never completely give up hope.
Hansol thought about drinking a lot and trying to kiss him, or barging into Noeul’s house to make a move.
He laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
Do you have the courage?
Hansol mocked himself. If he were capable of that, he wouldn’t have just been watching Noeul for nearly a year.
If Noeul had fully fallen for Hansol, he probably would have done it. But even if Hansol struggled, somehow Noeul seemed likely to go to Jiwoo. Hansol’s instinct said so.
…Why? Why can’t it work?
Crunching sounds of fallen leaves under Hansol’s feet. He deliberately stepped on dry leaves: a big step left, small step right, big step left again. Focusing on that cleared his mind… temporarily.
“……”
But only for a moment.
The reason Hansol couldn’t succeed… pretending to be curious, it was obvious.
Hansol was a beauty.
A beauty… maybe not true beauty? Just a product of plastic surgery? Could something crafted with knives, carved and implanted, really be considered beauty?
Hansol sometimes thought that while looking in the mirror, touching her jaw.
What is this…? What is this in front of me…? Why did I want this so badly…?
So Hansol was fake. If anyone could get real beauty like hers, there’d be no one left in the world who wasn’t beautiful. People obsess over beauties because they’re rare. Hansol had been removed from rarity at birth.
“…I did meet Jiwoo over the weekend…” Noeul suddenly spoke. “…I didn’t meet her planning to deceive you.”
…So what? What’s the point?
Hansol said nothing.
Noeul continued. He went to Jiwoo’s to help catch bugs, and while there, they talked a bit and played board games.
Hansol nodded.
He wondered why Noeul was explaining all this. He wasn’t even his girlfriend. Lies? Not really lies. He was planning to study at home, but might suddenly go to Jiwoo’s.
It just happened. Noeul shouldn’t have explained like he’d committed a crime. That attitude annoyed Hansol even more.
Because Noeul liked him? But if he knew Noeul played with another girl, it would hurt? Was he trying to spare Hansol feelings?
It was infuriating. Who the hell does he think he is, worrying about someone else’s feelings?
It would have been better if he just said, I like Jiwoo, so do whatever at her place, I don’t care, than to be so unpleasantly explanatory.
“…Noeul.” Hansol said.
“Yeah?”
“Why do you explain it like that?”
“…Huh?” Noeul looked startled.
Hansol suppressed his anger.
“What exactly do you want with me?”
