Chapter 30
I’d once heard this: if you ask someone who’s walking normally, “How exactly are you walking right now?” they suddenly start thinking—How do I walk?—and become hyper-aware of everything: which part of the foot touches the ground first, how wide their stride is, how high their arms swing, exactly when the right foot lifts after the left lands, and so on.
Things that had been effortless a moment before suddenly require conscious thought.
Ji-woo felt like that now.
Was the space between my arm and No-eul’s this wide when we sit at the desk?
When No-eul handed me coffee, did they always hold it by the lid so our hands wouldn’t touch?
When we walk side by side, how far apart do we usually stand?
When we talk, do I look at their eyes? At empty space? At my phone?
Did I always sound like this? Is this just for me? Or for everyone?
It was as if all the data had been wiped—she couldn’t remember what “normal” used to be.
“…Why?”
No-eul, who had been talking about something for a while, suddenly asked.
“…Why what?”
“Don’t you have something to say?”
“…No…?”
“You were staring.”
“Oh… was I? Didn’t I always look like this?”
“No, normally you listen while scrolling on your phone.”
“Oh…”
So that’s what I usually do… Ji-woo nodded, as if she’d just learned a new fact about someone else.
She picked up her iced Americano, but the straw still had a tiny plastic cap on the tip.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“What’s what?”
“The straw’s wearing a plastic hat?”
“…Why? Is this your first time seeing it?”
“…Has it always come like this?”
“Yeah. Because that’s the part you put your mouth on.”
No-eul looked at her like, What’s up with you today?
Ji-woo quickly said, “Ah, right. Makes sense,” and peeled the plastic off, pretending not to notice the glance.
As she sipped, a thought struck her: Why does No-eul care enough to do even little things like this? And why have I never thought twice about it? Do friends usually bother? Don’t most people just rip off the wrapper and stick the straw in? Does No-eul do this for everyone? Probably not for the guys… maybe for the girls?
Suddenly she wondered, What is No-eul like when dating?
People always said someone can act completely different with a partner. Ji-woo remembered how a friend who seemed tough had once cooed to her boyfriend, “Princess doesn’t know that! Do it for me!” with a cutesy (>_<) face. Ji-woo had been shocked.
What would No-eul be like with a girlfriend? Way sweeter than with me, obviously. Would they act cute? Maybe try to look cool? Would they joke around a lot—or not at all? Maybe get awkward and clumsy?
Come to think of it, had No-eul ever even talked about dating? Once, when Ji-woo asked, No-eul just said they’d never dated. Strange—other guys constantly whined about being lonely, wanting a relationship, asking for blind dates, or saying which girl was pretty. Isn’t romance the top priority for guys in their early twenties?
Ji-woo asked, “So… there’s really no one you’re into?”
“…Why? You want me to set you up?”
“No, I mean you. Isn’t there anyone you like?”
“…Hm… not sure. Can’t really think of anyone.”
No-eul glanced at their phone.
“Seriously? Everyone else is desperate to date. You’re not interested?”
“I dunno. I’ve never thought much about it.”
Never thought about it? Could that be true? Maybe he only likes Han-sol and no one else? Or maybe top students just don’t care about dating? Is that how you become first in the class? …Or… could he be gay?
“So you never feel jealous when you see other people dating? Don’t you get lonely? Don’t you want to date a girl… or a guy?”
“What’s with the sudden open-minded act?”
“I am open-minded! Totally. Anyway, you don’t?”
“…Ji-woo.”
“Huh?”
“Is this really the time to talk about that? How far are you on your assignment? Have you even started?”
“Ugh, why bring that up now? I’ll do it.”
“You’ll do it? It’s the final-grade replacement project and you haven’t even begun.”
“I know, okay. Stop nagging.”
Ji-woo turned to her laptop and mindlessly scrolled up and down.
Does he seriously have no interest in anyone?
“Whoa, crowded today,” Kyung-jun said as he entered the department lounge.
“Here comes the newlywed,” Hyun-su teased.
Kyung-jun laughed awkwardly.
“Where were you?” Ji-woo asked, waving.
“Probably at his apartment,” Hyun-su answered for him.
“Yeah,” Kyung-jun confirmed.
“Man, I’m jealous your place is so close. You can hang out at home during breaks.”
“You live nearby too.”
“Not really. I’m over by the market—totally inconvenient. If I have an hour break, I’d have to run home, touch the door, and run back. Plus I don’t even have a girlfriend to chill with.”
“Now that’s the real issue.”
“Exactly. You guys done with classes?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you get sick of seeing each other all day?”
“Not at all.”
“Ugh, why did I even ask.”
Kyung-jun chuckled.
Ji-woo said, “Seriously, I never guessed you two were dating. If you’d flirted when drinking I might’ve noticed, but you always hung out with other people.”
Hye-mi, sprawled on the sofa, chimed in, “Thinking back, that was the hint. We drank together so many times—how did they never once sit next to each other unless on purpose?”
“Why? If you like someone, shouldn’t you sit next to them?” Hyun-su asked.
“Wow, you’re lucky to have such a simple brain,” Hye-mi said. “Less to worry about.”
“I get terrible migraines, okay,” Hyun-su protested.
Kyung-jun laughed. “I actually avoided sitting next to Ji-hye. Not exactly on purpose—it just felt awkward. I thought my feelings would show.”
“Ah, those feelings,” Hyun-su said knowingly.
“Look at him pretending to understand,” Hye-mi snorted.
The two bickered while Ji-woo stared into space, lost in thought.
Right… that makes sense. Liking someone doesn’t always mean sitting beside them. If you’re shy you might stay away. Maybe even more than with others. You could act normal with everyone else but get uneasy when your crush shows up.
—Han No-eul, why’d you sit there?
—Oh, was that seat taken? Didn’t notice. It was just empty.
Ji-woo recalled similar moments. No-eul was closest to Jun-gi, Ji-woo, and Han-sol in their department, yet during group drinking sessions he often sat far away.
She’d assumed, Maybe I just expect him to sit next to me. He’s outgoing; of course he’s friends with everyone.
But thinking back, whenever Han-sol was there, No-eul naturally sat beside him.
Ji-woo always felt No-eul was a little more comfortable with Han-sol than with her—almost awkward when alone with her. She’d figured it was just that they were less close. But… could there be another reason?
…No way. Does that mean No-eul avoided me because he likes me?
Yeah, right.
Yeah right.
Yeeeeah right. As if.
Wow, Ji-woo, don’t flatter yourself. By that logic every guy who doesn’t sit next to you is secretly in love. Most of the time it’s just lack of interest. Not every guy in the world likes you. And No-eul? No chance.
Just then No-eul walked into the lounge.
“Hey, No-eul!” Hyun-su waved.
“Wow, full house today,” No-eul said.
“Holy—!” Hyun-su exclaimed.
“What?”
“You just reminded me—I forgot the history-of-advertising paper!”
“Typical. I knew you’d pull the ‘I work better last minute’ stunt,” No-eul said.
Ji-woo swallowed hard.
…I didn’t write mine either.
Her blank stare said it all.
Hyun-su asked, “Hey, can I just peek at yours for reference?”
“No way. You both want to fail?”
“I’m not copying—just a quick look!”
“No.”
“Please. The professor will never know.”
“See? That’s already the wrong mindset. ‘Professor won’t know’ means you’re planning to copy.”
“Ugh, come on. If I fail this final substitute assignment my grade’s wrecked.”
“And you knew that, yet you still procrastinated. You need a dose of reality.”
“What if I actually get an F? I already have a few… they won’t kick me out, right?”
Hyun-su muttered like someone possessed.
“Hey,” No-eul said, turning to Ji-woo.
“…Yeah?”
“Did you write the advertising paper?”
“……”
Her pale face gave her away.
“Thought so,” No-eul sighed.
Maybe I should ask someone who finished for reference, Ji-woo thought. But then remembered No-eul’s earlier words. Would anyone be happy if I asked? What do I do? This is the final-replacement project… Just take the F? What’s that do to my GPA? Retake it? How many classes would that make? Ugh, I was doing okay in this course. Could I pull an all-nighter and finish?*
She suddenly stood.
“Where are you going?” Hyun-su asked.
“To write my paper…”
“It’s already too late. You won’t finish. Let’s just both take the F and retake together. At least we won’t be lonely.”
“No, no. I can do it. I will…”
Muttering, Ji-woo left the lounge.
“Ugh… why did I forget… why… haa… I should’ve written it when No-eul told me to… kept saying ‘my future self will handle it’… ughhh…”
Ji-woo clutched her head. The more anxious she got, the harder it was to think. She wasn’t sure what she was even writing anymore—whether her material was complete, whether the logic made sense.
“Am I even doing this right…?”
She glanced at her phone.
Should I ask No-eul to take a quick look? That’s not the same as asking for their paper… maybe they’d agree?
It was 1 a.m. No-eul usually slept by midnight, but sometimes gamed late. Maybe he was awake. She could at least send a message. If he was asleep, oh well—she’d just have to finish somehow.
Her phone buzzed.
[How much have you written?]
It was No-eul.
A surge of emotion welled up. Ji-woo typed back:
[Not even half ㅠㅜㅜㅜㅠㅠㅠ]
But then she realized: even if she wanted No-eul to look it over, she barely had an intro done—nothing worth reviewing.
Maybe I should just give up like Hyun-su said. Take the F and retake it. It’d add to the pile of retakes, but it’s not impossible…
The urge to quit and go to sleep was strong.
Buzz.
Another message:
[Want to see mine?]
