Chapter 13
“Ah, the bus is here. Bye everyone~.”
Jiwoo ran to the bus stop.
Junki spoke to Jiwoo’s back.
“Go on and contact me when you get there.”
Jiwoo didn’t seem to hear him and got on the bus.
Noeul said,
“Everyone, be careful going home.”
“You too. Hansol, how are you getting home?”
Hansol replied,
“I think I’m going in the same direction as you, Noeul.”
“Then let’s go together.”
Noeul and Hansol waved at Junki and turned to walk.
They walked in silence.
Unlike usual, Noeul felt uncomfortable being alone with Hansol. She had thought that once she parted from the others, she could comfortably go home alone. But because she had to walk with Hansol, she had to pretend to be fine for longer than she expected.
Normally, she might have said something like, “Ah, I’m tired, outdoor activities are tough, don’t we get paid to hang out with handsome or pretty people? I’m so tired.”
But today, she couldn’t say anything like that. Hansol seemed to genuinely enjoy today’s gathering. Noeul thought Hansol must be like her—someone who dislikes crowded places and gets tired being around others for long periods, but only shows it subtly. So she assumed Hansol felt comfortable only with people like her.
But that wasn’t the case. Hansol was just as good at getting along with people like Noeul and others. Hansol also got along naturally with Junki and Jiwoo, as if they had always been close. If anything, it was Noeul who acted distant in that setting.
Noeul secretly wanted Hansol to struggle to fit in with the group, to be hesitant, so that he would rely on her. She wanted him to say after the gathering, “I just can’t hang out with the pretty and handsome ones. You’re the only one I can spend time with.” But that was just her wish. When she thought about it, there was no reason for someone as kind and good-looking as Hansol to be unable to socialize with others. He simply chose not to participate in group activities.
Noeul didn’t want to be the only one who couldn’t fit in.
She said,
“Today was more fun than I thought.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Weren’t you having fun too?”
“Maybe.”
Hansol’s response was unexpectedly indifferent. Noeul felt a flicker of hope. Maybe Hansol had just been pretending to enjoy himself, like her. Maybe inside he was thinking, I want to go home, I hate people staring at me.
Noeul tried probing him again.
“You seemed to get a bit closer to Junki.”
“Hmm…”
Hansol neither confirmed nor denied it strongly.
Still, Noeul felt a little better than before.
Hansol said,
“You kept looking at Jiwoo the whole time.”
“…Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
Noeul had never directly said that she liked Jiwoo, but if Hansol asked, she didn’t plan to deny it stubbornly like before. Hansol probably already had some sense of it, and she trusted that he wouldn’t mock her or tell anyone.
Still, she didn’t want to say things like wanting to get closer to Jiwoo or feeling fluttery around him. Her feelings weren’t the kind to nurture. They were the kind that, like a flower left unwatered, would wither, dry, and turn to dust.
So Noeul rarely talked about Jiwoo. She assumed Hansol understood her perspective and didn’t bring up Jiwoo either. She appreciated that. People who truly understand don’t say things like, You and Jiwoo would get along well. They know how meaningless and deceptive that would feel.
But today, Hansol brought up Jiwoo. Noeul thought he might just be teasing a little.
Hansol said,
“Weren’t you trying not to show it to the others?”
“Of course.”
“But it was really obvious.”
“Really?”
Noeul didn’t ask where it had shown. She didn’t want to talk at length about Jiwoo.
Hansol continued,
“Yeah. Even at lunch, you kept looking at Jiwoo.”
“That’s because he was sitting across from me. And I’m a guy—wouldn’t it be weirder if I stared only at Junki?”
“…That’s true.”
They walked in silence again.
Noeul wanted to be sure that Hansol had also felt bored with the gathering, just like her.
She said,
“You can hang out with the others like today. Stop complaining about having no friends all the time.”
“…Why?”
“…Why? You always tell me there’s no one to drink with, and ask me to.”
“Yeah. You can drink with me. So you’re not going to hang out with me anymore?”
“No, I’ll still hang out. But you seemed so bored.”
“…You’re not suddenly tired of hanging out with me, right?”
“What are you talking about?”
Noeul chuckled. It was the only laugh she felt genuine today.
She felt she had gotten the answer she wanted. Like her, Hansol might seem to get along with everyone, but he was probably most comfortable with her.
Hansol said,
“But Jiwoo is pretty. I mean, naturally bright and pretty.”
“…Yeah.”
“Before we went into the cinema, you were almost staring blankly at him.”
Noeul was embarrassed that Hansol had noticed her entranced gaze at Jiwoo.
Was it just Hansol who noticed? Or could others tell too?
Noeul pretended not to understand.
“Me? I don’t know. I wasn’t really staring, right? I usually don’t look openly.”
“What are you talking about? You just didn’t notice. You were completely spaced out.”
“Maybe.”
“And earlier, at the cinema, when you offered your seat to Jiwoo, he clung to his chair saying he didn’t want to move. Your expression then was priceless. I think Jiwoo noticed too.”
“…Ah… really? I should be careful then.”
Noeul didn’t want to have this conversation with Hansol. It felt the same as talking to anyone else. Just like when people discuss Jiwoo’s attractiveness, popularity, or who he might date…
Noeul pretended not to care. Pretended to be unaffected. Pretended to feel nothing.
People often say that pretending is like putting on a mask, but Noeul thought it was more like erasing her own face. Covering up does no damage, but pretending does. Like scratching away at yourself.
Hansol must know. He must see that each word chips away at her, yet why does he keep talking about it? Had he forgotten their conversations? Or had Noeul misread his consideration as genuine concern? Hansol hadn’t said much about Jiwoo, so maybe it was just a misunderstanding.
Hansol called her name.
“Noeul.”
“Hm?”
“Do you like Jiwoo that much?”
“…….”
Noeul didn’t answer.
Hansol looked at her several times before asking,
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“…….”
“……”
Hansol stopped walking. Noeul kept going. He didn’t follow.
After a few steps, Hansol’s voice called from behind.
“…What’s with you?”
“…….”
Still not answering, Hansol caught up.
“Why are you like this?”
“……”
“…Are you angry?”
Hansol’s hand touched Noeul’s wrist.
Noeul sharply shook his hand off and looked at him. Hansol looked surprised.
Noeul said,
“What have you been told about me?”
“…Huh?”
“You know I like Jiwoo.”
Hansol’s eyes wavered, his mouth half-opened in surprise at her words.
Noeul snapped,
“You know I like him, yet I just have to keep my mouth shut, don’t I?”
“…Noeul…”
Hansol took a step forward, reaching for her arm.
Noeul stepped back, avoiding him.
“Then why scratch at people’s hearts? If it were anyone else, fine, I’d understand. Nobody knows what I’m thinking, and it’s better that way. I’d just smile and respond. But you? You know everything. And yet, why? You knew my feelings were hurt just now, didn’t you? You can’t pretend you didn’t. If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot. If you did, you’re cruel as hell.”
Noeul glared at Hansol.
Hansol stammered,
“…Noeul, honestly… just now I wasn’t thinking about your feelings. I… I was too distracted by something else… I’m sorry. Really sorry.”
“……”
Noeul silently turned and walked briskly away.
Behind her, Hansol called her name several times but didn’t follow. Noeul didn’t look back and kept walking.
Before even reaching home, Noeul already regretted her actions.
What wrong had Hansol done? Was it his fault that he hadn’t sensed her feelings? That he hadn’t tried to soothe her when she was upset? Hansol hadn’t done anything wrong.
All the problems were Noeul’s. Liking Jiwoo but needing to suppress it? That was her issue. Getting sensitive about Jiwoo? Her issue. Expecting Hansol to understand her feelings? Her issue. Pretending to be fine around others while hurting inside? Her issue. Her inferiority complex? Her issue. Her looks? Her issue.
All of it was her problem, yet she had shamelessly gotten angry as if Hansol had done wrong.
Hansol would now feel uncomfortable around her. He’d choose words carefully to avoid hurting her. They’d grow distant.
“No….”
Noeul sat on her bed, clutching her hair.
“Why did I do that… why…”
Last time, she had lost her temper with Hansol on the phone too. Why did she get so angry only at Hansol? Why could she not control her emotions when talking to him, even though he was a good person?
With others, she could hear harsh or malicious words and remain unaffected. The greater the pain, the more she hid it. She never showed her hurt. That was both stubbornness and pride.
But why only with Hansol…
She realized she had always thought Hansol was different from others. Other people might mock her for being ugly, but not Hansol. Other pretty people might dislike hanging out with her, but not Hansol. Others might not understand her, but Hansol did…
Why? Why did she think only Hansol would be different? She had clung to his small understanding, thinking someone in the world shared her thoughts, someone completely understood her. But now she saw it wasn’t true, and she felt disappointed.
Noeul was foolish. Hansol was no different from anyone else; he just hadn’t understood her.
Noeul didn’t want to be disappointed. So whenever she felt hope, she suppressed it. Could he like me? No, look in the mirror. Who would like someone this ugly? She had felt that way since she was little. Suppressing hope had become a habit.
Then why did she fail this time? Why hadn’t she uprooted her hope as soon as it sprouted? Was it because it was too desperate? That’s why her vision had clouded?
Noeul felt scared. Something that had always protected her seemed to be cracking.
No. She couldn’t allow it. She had to stay calm, not expect, not be disappointed, maintain composure, and remain dignified to others.
Otherwise, she would get hurt, spill her feelings on those close to her, and beg for understanding. Then people would avoid her—ugly and insecure. Such Noeul had no value. Noeul had no value. Noeul had… no value.
She decided she had to fix it. It wasn’t too late. It was just a small crack. She could return to her previous state—living coolly, asking for nothing, unaffected.
She couldn’t make exceptions for someone like Hansol. Everyone was the same. She couldn’t dwell on her feelings for Jiwoo. Those feelings never existed. If she pretended they didn’t, then they didn’t exist.
Thinking this, Noeul finally felt at ease.
