Chapter 117
“Huuu… pffuu…” Hansol was taking deep, heavy breaths.
With every exhale, white puffs of breath escaped from his mouth.
“I want to smoke,” Hansol said, his eyes half-lidded.
“You smoke?” Noeul’s pupils were equally glazed over.
“Nope,” Hansol shook his head.
“Then why are you talking about cigarettes?”
“Just… don’t you sometimes want to try it? Like, when a group project isn’t going well, some people go out to smoke,” Hansol sniffled.
“That’s true. Ugh, it’s freezing,” Noeul muttered, digging his hands deeper into his coat pockets.
“They come back from smoking, and suddenly, it’s like—‘Hey, what about this? How about trying this?’”
Noeul chuckled, clearly relating to the scenario.
“Yeah. Smoking somehow makes their brains work better, I guess.”
“Exactly. I want to experience that too. It feels unfair to see that. I’m stressed out but can’t do anything about it. I just want to smoke or something.”
“…Smoke? Shall we smoke?! …Ppikka ppikka!”
“…Stop talking nonsense,” Hansol muttered, frowning. “Ppikka ppikka, what are you even saying.”
Noeul giggled, swaying and almost falling sideways. Since he was crouched on the ground, he didn’t get hurt.
“Pffuu…” Noeul buried his face in his hands. “Hey.”
Hansol, his face flushed from the alcohol, looked at Noeul. Noeul lifted his head and spoke.
“What would you want to do if you had a boyfriend?”
“…Boyfriend? Haa… let’s see…” Hansol paused, then said, “I’d just want to stay home all day.”
“And do what at home?”
“At home… First, it has to be a queen-size bed. And my parents absolutely cannot come. Just lazing around there… maybe order some food… watch some Nyangflix… chat about anything… then get a little… cozy. …If I feel like it, maybe have sex too. …Then take a nap.”
Noeul blinked.
“This guy really has no filter.”
Hansol, showing no embarrassment, snuffled up his runny nose.
“Let him be… ah, never mind,” Noeul waved his hand.
Suddenly, Noeul imagined what it would be like to hang out with Jiu the way Hansol described: lounging at home, in sweatpants, kissing freely, and maybe… even sex if the mood struck. Just imagining it made him feel… really good.
“…I want to do that too,” Noeul muttered.
…Wait a second. If Hansol actually likes me… then everything he just described… could it mean he wants to do that with me? Does he sometimes imagine the same things Noeul just imagined?
“…,”
No, why would he imagine that with this body? Ignoring all the other possible people he could picture. Noeul shook his head.
At that moment, Hansol staggered to his feet. Noeul looked up. The taxi Hansol had called seemed to have arrived. Hansol wobbled toward it, glancing back at Noeul.
“…It’s probably better if we don’t talk about tonight anywhere, right?” Hansol said. “We didn’t really do anything, but if there’s a misunderstanding, it could get messy.”
Noeul didn’t know how to respond and stayed quiet. Hansol waved his hand and got into the taxi. Noeul watched the car drive away.
“….”
He couldn’t bring himself to say it was okay to talk about it. If Jiu or the classmates found out, it could be bad. Thinking about it, if anything happened while dating Jiu, it wouldn’t just be losing a girlfriend—it could make college life difficult too.
‘So that’s why CCs are bad,’ Noeul thought, lowering his head.
Hansol must have felt the same way. He probably thought they were doing something that should be kept secret. Nothing really happened between him and Noeul, it was just friends drinking—but still, if Jiu knew, it wouldn’t be okay.
Noeul checked his phone. It was 3 a.m.
It felt like a stone was sitting on his chest. He hadn’t imagined having a secret from Jiu. If anything like this were going to happen, he thought it would happen with Jiu, not him.
What would happen if Jiu found out? What would he look like? How could he explain? Could he even convince him? …Probably not. Noeul himself wasn’t proud of it.
Maybe Noeul was just too conscientious, feeling guilty about something others might shrug off… No. Seeing how Hansol spoke, it really was something to be concerned about.
Noeul regretted it now. He should have held back. Why did he rush to drink with Hansol?
Noeul ran his hands through his messy hair.
“….”
Slowly, he got up, still disheveled, and staggered home.
“Rang~ Rang, come down. Hmm? If you stay up there, I can’t read my book.”
Jiu was petting the cat that was lying on a comic book. The cat, looking unimpressed, licked its paw instead of moving.
“See? He won’t get off my comic book,” Jiu said, looking at Noeul.
“Yeah. He’s friendly,” Noeul commented.
“Right,” Jiu said, noticing Noeul’s empty glass. “You finished your watermelon juice already?”
“Yeah. This place makes good watermelon juice.”
“Aren’t you going to read the comic?”
“I am, but watching the cat is more fun.”
Noeul leaned against the wall, blinking.
“It’s nice coming during free time. No one’s around, right?”
“Mm-hmm. Yeah.”
“Feels like we rented the place out.”
“Yeah.”
“I like just being like this with you the most,” Jiu said, resting his head on Noeul’s lap.
“….”
Noeul stared blankly into the distance. He barely reacted to Jiu’s words.
Jiu placed Noeul’s hand on his head, signaling he wanted to be petted. Noeul glanced down at him and mechanically stroked his hair.
Jiu wondered: Is Noeul still upset? Does he think I’m lying? Is he pretending to enjoy this even though he’s bored, wanting to be out with other people, and just humoring me? Not knowing what Noeul was thinking was frustrating.
Jiu sighed softly, lifted his head from Noeul’s lap, and sat up. Noeul looked at him.
“I like places like this too. Quiet and comfy,” Jiu said.
“Mm-hmm.”
“…You don’t really believe me?”
“No, I do.”
“Then why is your reaction so flat?”
“…I just… don’t know what to say.”
Noeul avoided Jiu’s eyes.
To make Noeul believe him, Jiu felt he had to be honest. It was embarrassing, but he had to admit he had been jealous, and that he had said things to control the other girls—not proud of it. He didn’t want to become the type who secretly badmouths others to keep them away from a boyfriend.
Which is worse: Noeul thinking Jiu is petty and jealous, or thinking Jiu lied?
He didn’t know. Sometimes honesty is better. Even if it makes things worse, it’s better than making things worse with lies. Jiu spoke.
“When I said I wanted to go somewhere crowded and busy… it was because I didn’t like those girls… looking at you fondly.”
Noeul stared at him, confused.
“The girls there kept complimenting you. Hearing that… I felt proud, but also worried. What if they secretly liked you? What if they liked you in secret?” Jiu watched Noeul’s expression.
Noeul listened blankly.
Jiu continued: “I thought of something to prevent that. I remembered they liked going out, so I said we should just stay home when we meet…”
“I see.”
Noeul nodded. He didn’t react otherwise. His expression remained neutral.
What’s wrong? Does he think I made it up? Or that I don’t like Jiu being jealous? Or does he think I’m petty? Or that I lied?
…Still, after saying this much, shouldn’t there be some reaction? Isn’t this a problem that should be solved by talking? If something bothers you, you should say it.
Suddenly, Noeul jumped up. Jiu stared. Noeul went to the bathroom without saying a word, looking urgent.
Jiu blinked.
…What’s going on…?
…Is he crying? Angry? Did I really mess up? Or did he just need the bathroom urgently?
Then strange sounds came from the bathroom. Listening closely… it sounded like he was throwing up.
“….”
A little later, Noeul came out. Jiu looked at his face. His eyes were wet and slightly bloodshot. There was a little moisture around his mouth, like he had rinsed it with water. He sniffled and sat down, looking pale. He took a few sips of water and said:
“Ah, sorry. I’m just not feeling well.”
“What’s wrong? Did you throw up? Feeling sick?”
“No, nothing like that… I just feel a little unwell. Maybe a cold or something…”
“…Really? Did we overdo it yesterday?”
“I’ve felt off for a few days.”
Jiu thought, okay, that explains it.
Noeul continued:
“I understand what you meant. I should’ve asked you directly, but I just assumed from what others said. Sorry about that. Let’s talk more from now on,” he said, struggling to speak.
Because he wasn’t feeling well, it felt like he wanted to end the conversation quickly. His words were kind, but still distant.
Jiu asked, uneasy:
“Are you really okay?”
“Mm-hmm. Just not in the best condition… that’s why I can’t be cheerful. But really, I’m okay.”
Still feeling uneasy, Jiu left the comic café since class was about to start. On the way to the lecture hall, Noeul occasionally showed signs of fatigue. Jiu kept glancing at him.
Jiu looked around the classroom.
‘Where’s Hansol? Haven’t arrived yet?’
At that moment, someone who had been lying down in the back corner slowly stood up.
It was Hansol.
Jiu went to his seat, noticing that Hansol looked pale and hadn’t combed his hair, his hat pulled low.
“Hansol,” Jiu said, sitting beside him without showing surprise.
Hansol looked up.
“Yeah… you came?” His voice was hoarse.
Hansol’s eyes were red and bloodshot.
Jiu alternated his gaze between Hansol and Noeul.
