Chapter 49
“Ugh!”
My head throbbed, and my breathing became irregular as I vividly recalled the desperate emotions I felt back then and the words I had spat out.
“Brother… You can help me…”
My arms trembled as I carefully grabbed the hem of his pants and managed to utter those words.
But what I received in return was a look of pity, compassion, and deep hatred mixed within them.
I would have rather he took my pleading hand out of pity and sympathy.
But my brother only looked down at me coldly, his eyes filled with boundless hatred.
“I’m… sorry for asking… for your help.”
The courage I had barely mustered was ruthlessly crushed.
The only person who could help me hated me.
The strength drained from my hand clutching his pant leg, and it fell to the floor. Without a moment’s hesitation, my brother turned and walked away.
“I… miss you.”
It was a moment I desperately missed my family from my previous life. My past life was truly filled only with happiness and overflowing love.
Because I already knew what overflowing love felt like, this coldness was unbearable.
“There’s no one… I hate being alone…”
The fact that there was truly no one by my side who could help me was agonizing.
The only person who kept me going was my nanny. The only one who worried about me, who held me warmly.
But that was the limit for my nanny. She didn’t have the power to change the situation I was in.
That’s why I had cried out to my brother, the Crown Prince, to save me.
Because the way I was, so precarious, it wouldn’t be strange if I couldn’t endure it and died.
My final, desperate plea to save me was met with a cold rejection.
“What… should I do…?”
There was no hope left for me.
Even if I continued to live here, would it really be worth it?
“Gasp, wheeze…!”
I could finally breathe properly again. Thankfully, my ragged breathing had returned to normal.
Hot liquid was seeping uncontrollably from my eyes, dripping onto the floor with a soft patter.
As I regained my senses, I felt a cold sweat covering my entire body.
“Your Highness!”
“…Nanny.”
“The floor is dirty. Please get up.”
My nanny helped me up from where I had collapsed.
I fell into her embrace. I wanted to feel human warmth. I needed to confirm that someone was by my side.
I rested my head on her shoulder.
“I… I said such terrible things to Father.”
“It’s alright, Your Highness. Everything is alright.”
My nanny patted my back, assuring me it was okay.
“Your Highness. Let’s go inside for now.”
“Yes…”
“Please calm down. You don’t have to tremble like this anymore.”
Supported by my nanny, I went inside. I took off the dirty dress I was wearing over my clothes.
Sitting in a chair in my room, wearing only my chemise, my nanny asked me to wait a moment and went out.
I waited briefly. Soon, my nanny returned with a blanket, a steaming cup, and some refreshments.
She placed them on the table in front of my chair and draped the blanket over my shoulders.
“…Your Highness. If you wish, I will prepare for you to go to Duke Siegbert’s residence.”
“No. It’s fine… because I have you.”
Above all, I didn’t want Chester to see me like this.
“I don’t want… Chester to see me like this.”
“Yes. I am by your side, Your Highness… so you can cry as much as you need.”
Only my nanny knew the truth of that day, here around me.
An ugly truth, a shame of the imperial palace known only to a very few, one that would never be recorded in the empire’s history books.
My body convulsed. I was clearly trying to stay still, but my hands were trembling pitifully.
My nanny tightly grasped my shaking hands.
“It’s alright. The palace where you stayed back then has been closed down, hasn’t it?”
“Yes…”
“Don’t think about it. It only hurts if you dwell on it unnecessarily.”
I nodded in response instead of answering.
“You received this palace, and the one from back then was discarded. So please forget what happened then.”
“……”
“Now His Majesty the Emperor and His Highness the Crown Prince love you very much, don’t they? Back then, everyone was just in shock…”
“Nanny.”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“I know. It was because of me. The reason Father and Brother acted that way was all because of me!”
“Your Highness!”
My nanny hugged me as tightly as she could. Her embrace was still as warm as ever, then and now.
“That is not your fault, Your Highness. As I’ve always said, you have done nothing wrong.”
“…But it is because of me. If I weren’t here, Mother… wouldn’t have died, and no one would have been hurt.”
“Your Highness. Shall I… have some medicine prepared?”
I shook my head. It wasn’t bad enough to need medicine. And I simply hated taking medicine.
It felt like going back to the time I suffered from the aftereffects.
“Then, shall I call Lord Siegbert?”
“Don’t call him!”
I didn’t want to show this weak, pathetic side of myself to the man who loved me and whom I loved.
And I couldn’t let Chester see me when I couldn’t control myself like this.
Right now, my rational control wasn’t working. If I were to say something terrible to Chester by any chance, it would be irreparable.
“Absolutely… you must not call him.”
“…Your Highness.”
“I want… to be alone. I’ll be fine if I’m just alone for a while…”
“…Yes, Your Highness. Please call me if you need anything.”
My nanny left, and I was alone in the room.
I got up from the sofa and went to the bed. I hugged the pillow tightly, burying my face in it.
The room was so quiet I could clearly feel my anxious, pounding heartbeat.
‘Father… Father… There’s no way he could have issued such an imperial decree! Right? Please, can’t you tell me it’s not true?’
I heard voices. Even when I covered my ears, the words I had screamed poured out.
These weren’t auditory hallucinations from the outside; they were voices swirling inside my head.
Why is this happening to me lately? Is it because I’m not acting according to the original story, so it’s pressuring me like this?
Is it a message telling me to act according to the original plot?
“Ha… Haha…!”
A mad laugh escaped through my parted lips, consuming my very sanity.
A throbbing pain surged from my heart.
I clutched the area around my heart with my still-trembling hand. I knew I couldn’t actually grasp my heart this way.
But if I didn’t hold onto something like this, the pain was too much to bear.
Where did this pain originate? Did the original Julia suffer the same pain as I am now?
Or is this a punishment because I’m not the original Julia, or because I knew the original story yet changed its flow?
The pain I felt in my heart seemed to transfer to my lungs, creating the illusion that my breath was being choked off.
“Ugh… I don’t want to hurt…”
My body collapsed from the pain, splayed out on the bed, twitching.
Suddenly, I heard someone knocking on the door, but I couldn’t manage any response.
I couldn’t tell them to come in, to stay out, or even ask what was wrong.
But normally, if I didn’t say anything, they wouldn’t come in.
So why is the door opening? No one except the Emperor or the Crown Prince can open my door without my permission.
“Julia!”
……Chester? Why can I see him?
Am I so mentally unstable that I’m now seeing illusions?
I blinked, trying to determine if he was an illusion or real. But no matter how much I blinked, he didn’t disappear.
I tried to focus my blurry eyes on him.
I felt an illusion that he was getting closer. No, it wasn’t an illusion.
“Julia… I came as soon as I heard. They said you… are in great pain right now.”
“Who… who called Chester?”
I reached out and touched him, realizing he wasn’t an illusion but real.
I had never seen this expression on Chester’s face before. It was the first time I’d seen him look like this.
Panic, self-blame, sorrow, pity, affection.
Among other, more complex emotions mixed in, these were the ones I could easily read in his eyes.
But the emotion I felt wasn’t joy but unease.
I clearly said not to call Chester, so why is he here?
“Julia.”
“Don’t… don’t come any closer.”
I didn’t want Chester to see me in such an unstable state.
Had I become complacent, thinking I was fine after so much time had passed? Or had I let my guard down because I’d been problem-free for so long?
Because I had been fine for ten years, I thought I was okay.
Had I just dismissed it as the past, tried to forget it alone, and pretended to be fine because I could live as the beloved princess as long as no one mentioned it?
Or was it because the child I met when I ran away gave me a reason to live, allowing me to endure?
As the memories of that time assaulted me again, they shook me much like that nightmare.
“Medicine… take this.”
My body flinched at the word ‘medicine.’
How much does he know? How much did my nanny tell Chester?
I could tell without looking in a mirror that my pupils were shaking violently.
“Chester… don’t come near me…”
He ignored my words telling him not to come. I heard his footsteps getting closer.
I covered my face with both hands. I didn’t have the confidence to meet his eyes in this state.
“Julia. Since when… have you been like this?”
“……”
“Is the cause of your pain… related to me, by any chance?”
“It has nothing to do with Chester!”
I shouted without realizing it. I caught my breath again, regained my composure to keep my voice calm, and spoke softly.
“It has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
“I see. If it has nothing to do with me, then take your medicine. Your nanny told me. She said you must take medicine to not be in pain.”
He took hold of the hands I was using to cover my face.
Instantly, my eyes met Chester’s. He was wearing an extremely sorrowful expression.
“Julia, I… just don’t want you to be in pain.”
Holding my chin gently with one hand so it wouldn’t hurt, he deftly placed a pill into my mouth.
