Chapter 5 — Princess Carry

“It’s my treat. Order whatever you like, as much as you like.”

I said while looking over the family restaurant menu.

“I don’t need anything. I’ll just starve to death like this.”

Ichinose refused.

Even as her stomach growled.

“If you don’t decide, I’ll order the kids’ meal for you.”

“Please don’t.”

It was April 23rd for the second time since I gave up part of my lifespan.

Thursday. Clear skies.

On this day, Ichinose attempted suicide for the fifteenth time.

She had always tried jumping in front of trains from the station platform, but this time she attempted it from a railroad crossing.

A memorable day—for all the wrong reasons.

I sincerely hoped it would be the first and last time.

After turning back time, I tried to persuade Ichinose, who was standing in front of the crossing.

But she said,

“I refuse. I’m going to kill myself here. Goodbye.”

She wouldn’t listen to a word.

Left with no choice, I grabbed her arm and tried to pull her away from the crossing.

But she resisted like a dog refusing to go to the vet, stubbornly refusing to move.

So I resorted to the final method.

I scooped her up in a princess carry and sprinted away.

While I was carrying her, she pleaded about twenty‑six times, saying, “Please put me down.”

But if I had set her down, she probably would have run straight back to the tracks, so I ignored her.

She was lighter than I expected.

And she struggled more than I expected too.

Her flailing arms smacked me in the face a few times.
It actually hurt.

Once we got far enough from the crossing, some elementary school kids on their way home pointed at us and laughed.

Blushing bright red, Ichinose finally gave in and said,

“I won’t try to kill myself today. I promise. Please put me down.”

So I put her down.

After that, we went into the family restaurant right in front of us.

And that’s how we ended up here.

“Listen, Aiba‑san. It’s fine that you interfere with my suicide… well, actually it’s not fine, but… please never do something like that again.”

Her unusually desperate tone made me laugh.

“Hey, we were the center of attention.”

“This isn’t funny! It was embarrassing!”

“Look on the bright side. It was a rare experience. Even those elementary school kids were shocked.”

“Yes, the elementary school kids saw too… I was trying to forget that.”

She buried her face in the table to hide her red cheeks.

“I was embarrassed too, you know. So we’re even.”

“Embarrassed? When you put me down, you were smiling the whole time.”

She hit the mark.

“Well, anyway,” I said, “if you don’t want to get princess‑carried again, you should give up on suicide.”

Without lifting her face, she replied weakly,

“I won’t give up.”

It had been about four months since I started interfering with her suicide attempts.

We talked more now, but there was still no sign of her giving up.

All I was doing was stopping her attempts.

I was completely stuck.

I wanted to do something, but I couldn’t think of any solution.

“Come on, decide already. I want to order,” I urged.

But as usual, she said,

“I told you, I don’t need anything.”

Her stomach growled again.

She kept her face buried in the table.

Thinking I’d at least order my own food first, I called the waitress.

Ichinose quickly lifted her head in panic.

She hid her face behind the menu, probably because she didn’t want the waitress to see her acting childish.

After ordering hayashi rice, I asked,

“Still can’t decide?”

“Not yet,” she said awkwardly.

In front of the waitress, she probably couldn’t say something childish like “I’m not eating anything.”

The young waitress smiled kindly.

“Take your time.”

“…I’ll have the same thing,” Ichinose said reluctantly.

When the waitress left, Ichinose pouted.

“This will be my last meal anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, putting the menu away.

After spending more time together, I noticed something about her.

Ichinose cared a lot about other people’s eyes.

But not in a normal way.

It was more like fear and vigilance.

For example, when a group of girls around her age walked toward us, she would hide behind me.

She probably didn’t want to run into classmates or bullies.

She also seemed wary of adults—police officers, store clerks—probably because she was out during school hours.

Watching her walk around so cautiously, she reminded me of a wild animal surviving in harsh nature.

Honestly, she looked like someone who found it hard to live as a human.

Though considering how strikingly beautiful she was, the animals she resembled would all stand out too.

Either way, life probably wouldn’t be easy.

Lately, seeing Ichinose flinch at every gaze had started to hurt.

The fact that I was only keeping her alive to justify my own actions was beginning to create a new sense of guilt.

It was completely backwards.

No matter what choice I made, it seemed impossible to escape guilt.

How could I save her?

I stared at Ichinose as she gazed out the window.

Sunlight streamed through the glass, reflecting off her pale skin and making her look almost dazzling.

After a while, she noticed me staring.

“Is there something on my face?”

“I was thinking about how to make you give up on suicide.”

She sighed.

“I already told you. I won’t give up.”

“What if the people bullying you stopped? Or apologized? Would you give up on suicide then?”

She shook her head.

“An apology now would only make things awkward.”

Her tone was full of resignation—the kind you’d expect from someone who wanted to die.

“I don’t think they’d apologize anyway. But even if they did… if one ‘sorry’ meant everything had to be erased, then I’d rather they didn’t apologize at all.”

She continued quietly.

“It’s easier for me to stay the victim. I don’t even want to see them again. I hate remembering their faces.”

I fell silent.

If solving the bullying would stop her suicide attempts, I could have used any number of underhanded methods—paying them to apologize, forcing them somehow.

But Ichinose herself didn’t want that.

And that made sense.

At this point, an apology would simply be too late.

The stage where a simple “sorry” could fix things had long passed.

“Sorry for the wait.”

The waitress placed two plates of hayashi rice on the table.

Ichinose looked at me.

I took a bite first.

“It’ll get cold.”

She started eating too.

Apparently it was hotter than she expected.

She teared up, quickly drank water, and after that blew on each bite several times before eating.

Seems she had a cat tongue.

“Is there anything you regret not doing?”

I asked while eating.

“If I had something, would you allow me to kill myself afterward?”

“No. I want you to do it and reconsider.”

“There’s nothing.”

She said it so casually that I sighed.

“Then why do you keep interfering?” she asked, looking at me with narrowed eyes while blowing on her spoon.

“Well, I can’t just ignore someone I know is going to kill themselves.”

“But I want to die.”

She added,

“Normally people don’t know who’s going to commit suicide anyway.”

“That’s not true. You can tell just by looking at someone’s face.”

I pointed randomly at a group of laughing middle‑aged women in the restaurant.

“Those ladies probably aren’t going to kill themselves.”

“I can tell that much too,” she replied, exasperated.

“Doesn’t anyone around you notice your suicidal thoughts?”

“No. Even my family thinks I’m joking.”

“They think you’re joking?”

She waved her hands nervously.

“Please pretend you didn’t hear that.”

“You told your family you wanted to die?”

She nodded slightly.

“Well… I just muttered ‘I want to die’ once.”

“And what did they say?”

Ichinose looked down and shook her head.

“My family hates me.”

She slowly told me about her family.

Her real father died of illness shortly after she entered middle school.

A year later, her mother remarried.

Now she lived with five people: her mother, stepfather, and two older stepsisters.

Everyone knew she was being bullied at school.

But her stepfather was extremely strict and believed no matter what, she must go to school.

Naturally, Ichinose didn’t want to go.

They argued every day.

Eventually she began leaving the house early in the morning to avoid being dragged to school and killing time outside until evening.

Her sisters began mocking her.

Sometimes they even hit her.

At first her mother supported her.

But gradually she took the father’s side.

Now Ichinose was completely isolated.

Exhausted by everything, she once muttered in front of them:

“I want to die.”

But nobody sympathized.

Her father shouted:

“Then go die right now.”

Her sisters mocked her:

“Stop acting like a tragic heroine.”

Her mother pretended not to see anything.

When she finished, I asked:

“Are you trying to prove to your family that you actually have the courage to kill yourself?”

“If that’s the case, dying over people like that is a waste.”

“Well… maybe that’s part of it,” she said.

“But honestly… I’m just tired. Of everything.”

She continued quietly.

“No friends. My father just yells at me. My sisters ridicule me. My mother won’t help me. Whether I’m at school or at home, nothing good ever happens.”

“I just want this life to end already.”

Then she looked at me.

“So, Aiba‑san…”

“There might be people who would be happy if I died, but there’s no one who would be sad.”

“I want to die too.”

“So there’s no one who would be troubled if I disappeared.”

“So isn’t it okay if I end it already?”

I had no answer.

Anything I said would just be empty comfort.

Of course I couldn’t find the words to overturn her wish to die.

After all—

I was someone who had already given up my own lifespan.

But even so…

I couldn’t accept her suicide.

“Don’t.”

Just three words.

Far too weak to oppose her determination.

Even if she heard them, it probably didn’t matter.

I felt pathetic.

What would a normal person say in a moment like this?

Ichinose frowned and fell silent.

We didn’t talk again until we finished eating.

After paying the bill, I suddenly remembered something.

“Oh right. This.”

I handed her a telephone card with a puppy on it.

Previously I had given her a paper with my phone number.

She refused the first time.

Tore it up the second time.

She only accepted it the third time.

But then I realized something.

She didn’t have a cellphone.

And she probably didn’t have much money either.

So I had been carrying the telephone card in my wallet so she could call me from a public phone anytime.

“Cute… I mean—what is this?”

She stared at the puppy on the card.

“If something happens, use this and call the number I gave you.”

“Oh, that paper? I threw it away. I didn’t have a way to call anyway.”

“You’re unbelievable…”

I wrote my number again on the back of the receipt and handed it to her.

“You can call anytime. Early morning, midnight—doesn’t matter. If you feel like dying, or if you’re in trouble.”

“I’ll probably die before calling.”

“Just take it.”

I forced it into her hand.

Then we parted ways.

“Goodbye. I don’t think we’ll ever meet again.”

“See you next time. Get home safe.”

“I won’t.”

I watched her small figure walk away.

And I felt uneasy.

Solving the bullying wouldn’t be enough.

There were problems at home too.

I had no idea what to do.

Was there really any way to fix everything?

Even after thinking about it…

Someone like me, who had already run away from life, couldn’t even find a hint of the answer.