Chapter 30
“Uh…”
I should tell him to stop spouting nonsense, but the words wouldn’t come out. It wasn’t ridicule or mockery—it was warm comfort and kindness.
I could handle the former, but had no immunity to the latter.
Besides…
‘It’s… warm.’
“From now on, I’ll be with you no matter what. So you don’t need something like a family!”
Did this crown prince even realize how dangerous the words he was saying were?
And yet, a hollow laugh escaped me. Even the part of my heart that had long been frozen and dried up stirred slightly.
“Huh? Arellin smiled!”
Have you ever experienced the whole world lighting up from someone’s smile?
Surprisingly, I was experiencing it in real time.
A dazzling smile that seemed like it could brighten even the darkest parts of my soul made me want to reach out instinctively.
—Do you believe that?
An inner voice echoed, controlling my every move.
—Do you really want to lean on someone again?
—Life is a solitary path.
—You have to take responsibility for your own life. Are you going to irresponsibly cling to someone and ask them to do it for you?
Dark, damp hands clung to me from the shadows, grabbing my ankles, climbing up my legs, and finally tightening around my slender neck.
—Salvation is something you earn yourself.
—No one understands you. You know that already, don’t you? You’ve been through enough.
Yes. I knew.
This was entirely my issue.
A self that couldn’t fully become a character from the novel who remembered a past life, nor a true person of this world—a fragmented sense of identity that somehow remained alive.
No matter how kind, gentle, or good to me someone was…
From the beginning, I never had the option of opening my heart or leaning on them.
What was I even expecting from a child?
“Arellin?”
Was the silence too long? Pession called my name.
Many thoughts swirled through my head and then faded. If I didn’t remember my past life… If only I wasn’t in this body…
No, there’s no meaning in that kind of hypothetical. If things were different, this situation wouldn’t exist to begin with.
‘I wanted this to end without hurting anyone.’
A bitter smile formed on my lips.
I was so sick and tired of hurting or being hurt. I just wanted this to be a fleeting connection that would pass by like so many others.
But the world wouldn’t leave me alone.
“Pession.”
“Huh?”
Sensing the change in my tone, Pession’s voice shrank.
“Stop coming here.”
“H-Huh?”
Surprised, Pession’s eyes widened.
“Why?!”
“Because I don’t want to see Your Highness.”
“W-what are you—”
“You’re a bother.”
I cut him off.
Even knowing these words would hurt him, I said them plainly.
“You probably don’t understand. You’ve always been welcomed and loved wherever you went. You’ve never had to worry about being rejected, excluded, ignored, or left out.”
Even though we lived in the same world, it was clear we were from entirely different ones.
“Everything in the world must have always been kind and gentle to you.”
To someone who has everything, the world really is gentle and kind.
I knew that well too—because I used to be that kind of person before I fell.
Your bright sunlight was never once marred because you’ve always lived in a soft, kind world.
I don’t blame you for that.
Ironically…
Even if I dislike you for it, I still hope you never have to know what this kind of world feels like.
“So please, I’m asking you politely.”
I didn’t mean to hurt him.
“Please stop coming.”
I hope… you don’t get hurt too much.
Pession was too shocked to say anything. While he stood frozen, I turned around first.
So coldly.
And Pession was left standing alone.
“Uh, um…”
Should he run after me and stop me? Or should he just do what I asked?
Faced with a situation he’d never experienced before, Pession didn’t know what to do—he froze.
“……?”
But there were others who had unintentionally witnessed the whole thing.
Ciel and Noel—the twin siblings who had followed the crown prince and snuck into the mansion with the escort party—were hiding in the bushes, planning to surprise him. They ended up freezing in place, stunned.
The twins looked at each other.
“What do we do, Ciel?”
“Yeah, what now, Noel…”
It was over before they even started.
As Ciel rolled her eyes, wondering whether to quietly disappear or still try to surprise Pession—
Suddenly, she gasped.
“Huh? Your Highness, are you crying?!”
The kitchen was bustling as everyone prepared Pession’s favorite dishes. The attendants were scrambling to present something that would cheer him up.
Normally, this flood of offerings would’ve lifted his mood.
“……”
But today’s Pession was different.
No matter what food they brought, or how much they adjusted his schedule to his convenience, or what toys he was given—he remained silent.
“What on earth is going on?!”
The attendants were in collective panic at this unprecedented situation.
Their foolproof strategies weren’t working, and no one knew what to do.
“This is beyond what we can handle.”
“Yeah, we need outside help.”
Eventually, the attendants sent an SOS and summoned Lady Silua, Pession’s younger sister.
She was puzzled by the sudden call but came to the crown prince’s quarters nonetheless—with her cat.
“So, seriously, what’s wrong with you?”
She didn’t seem concerned for her brother’s well-being—she just wanted to satisfy her curiosity.
Naturally, Pession ignored her.
“So annoying!”
Silua gave up trying to comfort him and stood up to storm out.
“Give me back my Silu!”
“No.”
At some point, the white cat Silu had ended up in Pession’s arms, yawning lazily.
“Silu, bite him!”
Meow~
“What do you mean, it’s a bother?! Bite him!”
Meow…
Pession stroked Silu’s soft belly and waved a hand, telling Silua to leave.
“Agh, seriously, give her back!”
She tried to snatch the cat, but Pession, light on his feet, dodged her easily.
Even while holding the cat, he avoided her gracefully. Furious, Silua threw out a final threat.
“If you don’t give Silu back by tomorrow, I’ll tell Mother and make you regret it!”
“Okay, bye.”
Meow meow!
Left alone again, Pession gently stroked Silu’s soft fur. Just doing that made him feel a little better.
‘That was the first time I saw Arellin like that.’
When he first said he’d come every day, she didn’t like it—but she still sighed and let him stay.
But today, her expression was so… emotionless and dry.
Clench.
Meow!
“Ah, sorry, Silu—did that hurt?”
Meow meow!
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”
Pession had clenched his fist and accidentally pinched Silu, who meowed in protest, making him flustered and apologetic.
Oddly, getting scolded by Silu made him feel a bit better.
Whether Silu knew what he had done or not, she simply licked his hand.
“Your Highness.”
The head attendant, Griaum, who had stayed quiet during all the chaos, now cautiously spoke up, noticing the shift in Pession’s mood.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“No. Still the same.”
Though his words were the same, his mood was noticeably better compared to earlier, when he’d kept his lips tightly sealed.
“Your Highness, what exactly happened? Why were the twin siblings from Sperom there?”
“The twins? I don’t know either.”
“Will you answer any of my other questions?”
Pession lowered his gaze.
“Arellin told me not to come anymore.”
“Hm? But she says that all the time, doesn’t she?”
“No, she doesn’t.”
This time was different.
“Today, Arellin…”
She had said not to come—so coldly—and looked like she was the one who had been hurt.
“You probably don’t understand. You’ve always been welcomed and loved wherever you went. You’ve never had to worry about being rejected, excluded, ignored, or left out.”
Which meant… Arellin did worry about being rejected, did fear being excluded, had been ignored, and remembered being left out?
‘That’s strange…’
Why did thinking that make me feel bad? Why did I keep getting sad?
Meow~
As Silu began to wriggle away, tired of the cuddle, Pession clung to the cat’s warm body, chewing over and over the emotions he couldn’t understand.
“Love just the right amount.”
But Mother…
What does it mean to ‘love just the right amount’? Even now, I miss her so much I could go crazy.
“I miss Arellin.”
