#74 Awakening (2)
Sasha touched her trembling lips and let out a warm breath.
‘I never thought of this.’
Her chest felt tight, her head tangled.
‘I promised myself I’d never reveal traces of my previous life…’
Yet she had been dropping them everywhere, like someone eager to be found out.
‘How foolish.’
A sigh escaped.
She blamed herself for her carelessness, but the feeling quickly faded.
It wasn’t that Sasha had always been careless.
Quite the opposite—she had been overly cautious in front of others.
‘I only let my guard down in front of Pavel.’
Why?
Why was she so careful with everyone else, but not with him?
Even knowing she had to hide her past life, why did she relax in front of him?
Why…
The reason was just one.
Sasha suddenly recalled the day she found Eika.
When Pavel had gently stroked the trembling puppy she’d barely saved, he had spoken in a shaky voice—
“I have something to tell you.”
Even when she told him he didn’t have to, Pavel insisted—
“…No. I’m going to say it.”
Only now did she faintly understand what Pavel must have felt that day.
It was probably similar to how she felt now.
“Pavel.”
She held out her hand to him.
She decided it was better to share her true feelings than to explain in words.
Pavel looked at her hand for a moment, then placed his own in it.
Feeling the warmth spread from their joined hands, Sasha thought—
[Actually, I have a special ability too.]
Hesitant, but not avoiding it, she told the truth.
[I remember my previous life.]
“…Previous life?” Pavel repeated.
[Yes.]
Sasha licked her dry lips.
How could she explain a concept he had never heard of?
‘If I explain it through the idea of reincarnation, it’ll be hard to understand—
I’d have to explain reincarnation itself first, and that’s more complicated.’
But making it too simple could make it sound like nonsense.
While she was thinking, information began to flow through their joined hands.
“Ugh…”
Pavel clutched his head at the flood of information rushing into him.
Startled, Sasha tried to pull her hand back, but his strong grip wouldn’t let go.
“Sorry, Pavel. I’ll organize my thoughts and tell you more later. Just let go for now—”
“It’s fine.”
Still frowning, he steadied his breathing.
“Go on. I’ll hear it all.”
He didn’t want to miss this chance—
the moment when Sasha was sharing a secret she’d told no one else.
“But…”
“I said it’s fine.”
Gritting his teeth, Pavel accepted all her thoughts flowing into him.
And when he finally understood the unfamiliar concept of a “previous life”—
‘So that’s why.’
He understood Sasha’s once-inexplicable words and actions.
The strange, coded phrases.
The lullabies he’d never heard elsewhere.
Her skill at handling situations she should have been experiencing for the first time.
They were things she had learned in her previous life and unconsciously repeated in this one.
‘I see.’
Pavel thought calmly.
He wasn’t angry or hurt that she had never told him before—
not at all.
Now that he knew what it was, he understood why she had kept it secret.
What weighed on his mind was something else.
If someone had memories of another life, then they must also remember the beginning and end of that life.
He thought of how much confusion, exhaustion, and pain she must have endured from repeated deaths and rebirths.
And another thought—
‘If she knows she’ll be reborn after death, maybe she has little attachment to this life.’
And maybe—
‘She might even long for her previous life…’
With lowered eyes, Pavel stared at the floor, then looked up.
“…”
“…”
He met Sasha’s nervous gaze, her worry over how he might react plain to see.
After a moment, he spoke.
“…That’s just a memory, right?”
He asked,
“You’re the woman who was born Alexandra Arvan and is now Alexandra Volkov. The life you remember from before is just…”
His voice trembled slightly as he finished the sentence slowly—
“…Just a memory, right?”
That question carried a plea he couldn’t hide.
He hoped this life still meant something to her.
That the time she shared with him wasn’t just fleeting.
That this life with him had value.
Perhaps she sensed his wish.
Sasha held her breath.
She thought about what to say, then decided honesty was best.
She exhaled slowly and spoke.
“Yes.”
Still holding his hand, she said quietly—
“I am Alexandra Volkov.”
It was a phrase she had sometimes murmured to herself after realizing her past life, to ground herself—
but saying it to someone else felt strange.
It was as if the half-floating feeling she always carried, like having one foot out of this world, was disappearing.
Standing firmly on the ground and facing someone seriously—
it was a little frightening, but mostly exciting.
So she said it again—
“I am Alexandra Volkov. Living in this world now…”
Her second time saying it carried certainty and strength.
She smiled brightly, as if a lifelong worry had vanished.
So Pavel closed his half-parted lips and smiled faintly in return.
“…”
After she left, Pavel stared blankly into space, replaying their conversation.
He’d hoped to glean something from her expression and tone.
There was something he wanted to ask—
but he didn’t.
The unanswered question rooted deeply in his heart.
“…Do you still long for someone from your previous life, someone you left behind?”
Whether it was a friend, family, or a lover…
…How important that person was to her.
He wanted to ask—
but couldn’t.
He was afraid of hearing an answer he didn’t want.
*
The request to go to the hot spring city of Sullis for rest and recovery was easily accepted.
After working hard for years, Dmitri gladly gave Sasha a week’s vacation.
Pavel was also given a week of freedom.
Unfortunately, it couldn’t be called a family trip—
Dmitri couldn’t join them.
“The master must fill the lady’s place while she’s gone,” the aides said, blocking Dmitri’s escape with stern looks.
If both Sasha and Dmitri left, there would be no one to make decisions, and work would stall.
So Dmitri stayed in the office, working hard.
‘I feel a bit bad.’
He spent most of the year at the battlefield, only resting for one season—
and now he couldn’t even rest at home.
‘But it can’t be helped. Please work hard for the sake of your son.’
Silently apologizing, Sasha smiled as she returned to her room.
Preparing for the trip didn’t take long.
Since they didn’t plan to stay in Sullis for long, one carriage carried both their belongings.
From the day before departure, Sasha was excited.
She thought she should control herself—she wasn’t a child before a picnic—
but the excitement wouldn’t fade.
It was her first trip in this life.
She had lived her first seventeen years entirely in the southern Arvan territory, then moved to the Volkov lands after marriage.
She had never visited any nearby northern lands—so this was essentially her first real trip.
Yes, she had traveled from Arvan to Volkov for marriage, but—
“They didn’t let me leave the carriage for safety, and Olga and my parents cried the whole way, so I couldn’t enjoy anything, not even the view.”
So this was her first trip she could enjoy in peace.
She was surprised at how excited she was.
“It’s been a long time since I felt this way.”
Since remembering her past life, nothing had made her heart race like this.
Things new to others were things she had experienced dozens, even hundreds of times.
There was nothing new, nothing to make her excited—life had been calm.
For her to feel like an ordinary person again…
‘It’s not so bad.’
It felt good to be blending into this life so well.
She was glad she’d told Pavel about her reincarnation.
She hadn’t realized how heavy it had been to carry a secret only she knew.
Just confessing it once had lifted such a weight.
Sasha straightened her back and looked around.
The bedroom she had lived in for years—
When she first unpacked here, she’d had trouble sleeping in the large, luxurious room.
“Now, coming here makes me relax, like the day is ending…”
She went to the balcony and leaned on the smooth marble railing.
Below was the winter garden, blanketed in snow.
It was no longer neglected and barren.
The gardener she’d hired had kept it pleasing to the eye, even in winter.
It was a change she had made—
a mark of Alexandra living here.
She smiled slightly at the sight of snow-bent branches.
She felt good.
She thought this trip would be enjoyable.
