#149. I Stacked New Doubts Upon My Doubts
“Do you not understand what I mean?”
He was right. I had never considered myself lacking in comprehension, yet His Majesty’s words were particularly difficult to grasp.
Were there no other choices, he asked? Of course there were. Even not choosing at all is still a choice.
Had I simply stayed still—graduated from the Academy and been dragged away to Lamore and imprisoned as the late king had decreed—that too would have been a choice.
Out of all those countless possibilities, I erased what I must not do, what I could not do, and what I absolutely did not want to do.
From what remained, I chose the path I was best suited for. The result is what stands before me now. At the very least, I avoided the worst outcome—that in itself is encouraging.
“It is all the fault of a god who gives us too little.”
I could not tell what kind of answer His Majesty was seeking from me.
Did he mean I should have chosen a different path? Yet I sensed anger only at the beginning of our conversation.
Now, His Majesty seemed neither wrathful nor reproachful. Truly, I could not tell.
“…Will you grant me permission to stay here?”
A throbbing headache struck me, and I must have frowned without realizing it—His Majesty lightly pressed his fingers to the space between my brows.
Startled, I hastily composed my face, but it seemed that was not what he wished. His expression did not brighten.
“If you wish, I can grant it. But… has this been agreed upon with your homeland?”
When they first arrived here, had they revealed their identities, they would have been escorted directly to my office without needless suspicion.
But instead of declaring themselves, His Majesty and Riana sent a meaningless embroidered handkerchief as a roundabout gesture.
Surely, they were wary of the rumors—that the clash between Lamore and Kartian was Retaille’s doing. That was why I, too, addressed them by name rather than title.
Still, names are not falsehoods, and words travel fast.
If His Majesty and Riana remained here, their true identities would inevitably come to light.
Was that risk worth taking? No matter how I weighed it, it was not.
I had no intention of bringing such danger upon Retaille. His Majesty withdrew his hand from my forehead and sighed briefly.
“I suppose I’ll have to write a letter of apology to my elder brother. What else can I do?”
“…How long shall the stay be, then?”
For me as well, Retaille becoming entangled in this affair was not desirable.
Lamore’s nobles would whisper doubts about where my loyalty lay into Langrisha’s ear. And if Lamore became an empire in the future, being treated as Retaille’s pawn would be a blow to its prestige.
Yet even so, I found it difficult to refuse His Majesty.
“Until you understand my question and return me a truthful answer.”
His Majesty’s expression was calm now, as though the complicated emotions of moments ago had never existed.
“Your Majesty…”
The headache grew worse, and nausea rose in my throat. I opened my mouth to confess that this was truly beyond my ability—but His Majesty raised a hand to silence me.
“Do not look at me that way. This is neither to torment you nor to play riddles. If you are curious, ask. If you need something, request it. I will cooperate as best I can. I simply…”
His sea-blue eyes pierced straight through me.
“…I simply do not wish for you to make the same regrets I have.”
Regrets? What regrets? What was it that His Majesty regretted?
On top of my doubts, I stacked new doubts still. I could not yet grasp what it was His Majesty wanted from me.
Kartian—or rather, what had once been Kartian and was now Lamore. Despite His Majesty’s declaration that they would stay here, Riana simply nodded without hesitation.
“Is the schedule convenient for you?”
Blanche, who had personally escorted her to the guest chamber, asked cautiously.
Riana, looking utterly untroubled as though she felt no weariness from travel, replied lightly.
“Yes. For the next three months, I’ll be in the Crescent region overseeing the Imperial Knights’ training.”
In other words, she had already prepared an excuse.
Three months… Certainly, that was long enough to cover things up. Even if suspicions arose, time would allow them to fade.
“And by the way, the Grand Duke is on his way back north.”
Blanche, who had deliberately avoided asking about that, gave a wry smile and fussed pointlessly with the neatly arranged bedding.
“I feel sorry to have caused you such trouble because of me.”
Of course, if one looked objectively, it was Melchizedek’s side who owed apologies to Riana.
It was his decision to come to Kartian that brought her as his guard, and his decision to remain here that left her stranded as well.
But Blanche had lived her life always striving to meet expectations. Because she had failed to give Melchizedek a proper answer to his question, she now felt the fault lay with her.
And so, she felt guilty toward Riana too, who was forced to remain here as a result.
If only I had been quicker of wit. If only I had understood people’s hearts better.
Would I then have understood what His Majesty’s question meant and prepared a proper answer?
Another sigh nearly escaped as the doubts swelled again. This reunion was hardly under the best circumstances. Blanche was about to excuse herself before giving rise to more misunderstanding—
“If you need anything, you need only ring the bell—”
“Blanche.”
But Riana’s hand caught her wrist faster.
Before she knew it, Blanche was seated on the bed. Riana sat beside her, gazing straight into her eyes with an expression free of ulterior motives.
“Remember what I told you before? That whatever choice you made, I would support you.”
For a moment, Blanche could not recall when she had said that. Seeing her confusion, Riana added gently:
“Back when you said you wanted to put off thinking about marrying Melchi until later.”
“…Ah.”
Now she remembered.
It was after Blanche had first discovered Melchizedek’s true identity, after she had attempted to leave his side through poison.
When Riana had come to her, Blanche had pretended to fear “assassination”—though no one had in fact tried to kill her.
Afraid she might be persuaded if she declared she wanted to break the engagement immediately, she had instead said she wanted more time to think.
Riana had respected that and promised: whatever choice Blanche made, she would support her.
She had indeed said so. But that had been before Blanche returned to Lamore, before she had formally declared the engagement broken.
So Blanche had never fully believed her words. At most, she had thought it fortunate that Riana would not treat her coldly after the annulment.
She had never imagined she would hear those words again here—immediately after Lamore absorbed Kartian.
Stunned, Blanche only blinked, and Riana responded with warmth:
“My words are still true. Whatever choice you make, I’ll support you. That said, apart from that, I still think it would be good for you and Melchi if you built a future together—you two seem well matched. So yes, my helping him now has a bit of selfishness in it. I don’t know what conflict lies between you, but I hope it can be resolved.”
Riana tapped Blanche’s hand lightly. Her touch was still firm and steady.
“So don’t feel guilty toward me. And remember—you needn’t trouble yourself about the outcome of this visit.”
Blanche bit her lip before answering. Her mind was still tangled, with far too much left undone.
She still had no idea what answer Melchizedek sought from her. Nor could she be sure Riana’s kindness would last.
Yet, even so—
To be given back an affection once abandoned was fragile as a bubble, yet strangely comforting too.
Perhaps, as Blanche feared, she might no longer be able to maintain ties with Riana or Fania. Politics might drive them apart.
But even if they could never be as before, perhaps this much feeling could remain.
Even if they could no longer speak or meet face to face, perhaps they could still silently support one another’s choices.
Perhaps, at the very least, they could exchange news through rumors and quietly wish one another happiness.
Even across borders, even if their nations’ interests clashed, perhaps such a bond could still exist.
After all, here was the Empress of Retaille, saying such words to the conqueror of Kartian.
And so Blanche, for once, expressed her gratitude plainly.
“…Thank you.”
It was the first time in a very long while she had spoken such genuine words.
