Chapter 42
Not only did I embezzle the funds that were supposed to be allocated to her palace using the Empress’s authority, but I also shamelessly sought her out and committed disgraceful acts against her.
At that time, I was obsessed with tearing her down. I publicly humiliated her or used my position as Empress to put her in degrading situations.
It wasn’t difficult to disgrace her. She was astonishingly unacquainted with the courtly etiquette of the imperial palace—so much so that one could hardly believe she was the daughter of a duke. Back then, I laughed at her, calling her a bumpkin from the West.
She couldn’t even voice a proper protest against my torment, only shedding tears. I found her tears revolting, and so I became even harsher and more venomous.
The Emperor of the time—surprisingly—never once stopped me. He would simply look at me with displeasure or ignore me entirely, while personally wiping away her tears and comforting her. Perhaps such behavior was only natural for him as Emperor.
Even as recklessly as I behaved, I still understood that tormenting her without cause would bring nothing good upon me. So I seized upon her words and actions as excuses to torment her.
It was admittedly forced at times, but outwardly I justified myself under the guise of “maintaining order in the inner palace” as its head. The Emperor could not meddle in every matter of the harem.
At the time, I believed it was because he didn’t love her all that much. But now, I can no longer think of his inaction as something so simple.
A man blinded by love would at least have issued me a warning. No matter how he had been raised to become Emperor, he was still just a man capable of loving a woman. What man in the world would quietly endure seeing the woman he loved tormented? And yet, except for once, he never spoke a word of warning or restraint to me.
I tapped my fingers on the table. The more I thought about it, the less I could understand. Why had he condoned my behavior? Because of his silence, my actions grew bolder and bolder, until eventually, I crossed a line that should never have been crossed.
There were no children between him and me. I desperately longed for his child, but fate seemed not to grant me that bond—I could never conceive.
He sought me out only on the nights dictated by schedule. After she entered the palace, even that ceased. My chances of bearing a child grew more and more remote.
She, by nature, was a pure soul. Always smiling, always kind to others—there were few who disliked her. Slowly, over time, she began to carve out her own place within the palace. That change left me increasingly anxious. And then, at last, came the news of her pregnancy.
The people welcomed it with joy. Simply the existence of a future heir made her pregnancy a blessing to the Empire. He too smiled radiantly and kissed her. That was the first time I realized he was capable of smiling so brightly.
At that moment, I must have gone mad. I could not accept the child’s existence. And I made a foolish choice.
In the guise of congratulating her pregnancy, I presented her with poison disguised as medicine. I personally forced it into her mouth, despite her refusing it. I was so consumed with madness that I never considered the aftermath. So long as I could rid the world of her and her child, there was nothing I would not do.
By the time he arrived, she had already swallowed half the poison. Though her life was barely saved, the child was lost. And I was confined.
I do not regret what I did to her back then. No one would stand idly by while something of theirs was stolen. It was not justifiable, but neither do I condemn my past self for it.
However, in front of her child, I can only ever be a sinner. The baby—whose form had barely even taken shape—was denied the light of the world because of my foolish actions.
It is not easy to shake off the heavy guilt that has settled in my heart ever since. Perhaps that is why, so unlike myself, I have always been weak when it comes to children.
I closed the lid of the box and uncorked a glass bottle. The sharp scent of herbs filled my lungs. It was the headache medicine Evan had personally brought.
He had come in the early morning before I even awoke, left the medicine, and departed. According to the butler, Evan had refused his offer to wait, citing urgent business.
Though bandages still wrapped his neck, the butler assured me he was moving without difficulty. It seemed the Crown Prince had chosen not to hold Evan accountable.
Just as I had changed, so too had the Crown Prince. But it wasn’t only us—Grandfather, the Marquis, even Anasha and Evan—everything was different now.
Knock knock.
“Come in.”
I closed the bottle and replied. The door opened, and Lant peeked in with a bright smile. He ran over and planted butterfly-light kisses on both my cheeks. A refreshing lemon scent clung to his body.
“You should dry your hair first.”
At my gesture, the maid waiting nearby quickly brought a towel. I wrapped it around Lant’s damp hair and rubbed lightly. He giggled, leaning into my hand as though enjoying the touch.
“You’re getting more and more spoiled.”
“You don’t like it?”
“No.”
His anxious eyes brightened into a radiant smile at my answer. I forced a stern expression.
“Next time, dry it properly. What if you catch a cold?”
“But I wanted to see you sooner.”
He knelt down and rubbed his face against my skirt like a puppy. I couldn’t help but laugh.
Visiting me right after washing up from training had become part of Lant’s morning routine. Since coming here, he had never missed a day.
At first, he could barely speak properly and was easily overwhelmed by external stimuli. But now, he could even show affection and charm. I was proud of his progress and stroked his indigo-blue hair with my fingers. It was as cool and refreshing as it looked.
My relationship with Lant had completely changed since then. When I first reached out to him, it hadn’t been with any grand intention—it had simply been on impulse, following my heart.
There was no need to overthink it by comparing then and now. Just as I had once reached out to him, I would act as my heart guided me. Even if that led me to make another foolish choice, I would not live in constant fear of it.
Above all, I now had this adorable puppy by my side. Things would not end the same way as before.
“I have a gift for you.”
“A gift?”
His eyes went wide as he looked up at me. If he had ears and a tail, they would surely have perked and wagged. I couldn’t help laughing at the sight that formed so vividly in my mind.
“It’s in that box.”
He glanced eagerly between me and the box, like a dog awaiting a treat. I pushed the box toward him.
“Open it.”
He carefully lifted the lid.
“It’s your seal.”
“My seal?”
“Normally, it should be given at your coming-of-age ceremony. But I can’t wait that long.”
I took the pendant from the box and placed it around his neck. He obediently lowered his head to help me.
“The flower language of the three-leaf clover is happiness. I want you to always be happy, my little puppy.”
As long as my puppy was happy, I too would be happy.
“Do you like it?”
His face flushed bright red, and he nodded, clutching the pendant tightly in both hands. The sight was so endearing that I reached out and touched his cheek. His skin was warm and soft beneath my fingers.
Startled, his eyes widened, darting nervously as though wondering if he had done something wrong.
“Tsk, tsk, this won’t do. I give you a gift and you don’t even say thank you? That makes me sad.”
I gently pinched his cheeks, shaking them. He blinked, on the verge of tears, and grabbed at my skirt with one hand while still clutching the pendant with the other.
I tugged his cheek a little harder. Just like when I first met him, it felt delightfully elastic, like mochi under my fingertips.
Unlike before, when even the lightest touch left a bruise, his skin now bounced back even when I pulled with some strength. Feeding him nourishing food and skin remedies had clearly paid off.
“Come now, say thank you, little pup.”
“…Thank you, Sister.”
He whispered it softly. Though he expressed his affection for me freely, he was still awkward at showing his own feelings.
I released his cheek and ruffled his silky blue hair. It had dried while we spoke, falling in smooth strands.
“I prepared this with care, so you must wear it until you take up the head of the family’s seal. Understood?”
“But…”
Worry flickered in his brown eyes. I could guess what troubled him.
It would have been easy to shield his ears and eyes. If I wished it, he could have grown up in a greenhouse, never hearing a whisper of rumor, dreaming only of happiness.
But I did not want to raise him that way. While I could protect him as a child, doing so would benefit him nothing as an adult. When he became Marquis and heir to the family, such protection would be poison.
So I chose to tell him everything as it was, without embellishment. Though he had been recognized as a direct heir by receiving a middle name, his origins would always remain a vulnerability within noble society.
Overcoming that weakness was something no one else could do for him. It was a challenge he himself had to face. And to do so, he first needed to understand himself. Lant knew better than anyone where he stood within House Elliante.
