~Chapter 84~
“Rena.”
After a long time, he finally called my name.
I quickly lifted my head. His face was serious, his eyes firm, his lower lip trembling.
“….”
Even after calling me, he hesitated for a long while, unable to decide. Only after breathing in and out several times did he finally speak in a low, suppressed voice.
“I’ve always had something I wanted to ask you.”
Calix’s eyes were red. Slowly, as if he had finally gathered the courage to face it, he looked at me and gave a painful smile.
“…Back then… was I really not dependable?”
I couldn’t answer.
My heart hurt too much. It was unbearable.
Maybe this was my punishment.
‘Otherwise, why would it hurt this much?’
Tears filled my eyes. I realized I had been holding my breath. The late rush of air came out as a sob.
“…No.”
Calix tried to smile, but it was miserable.
“It wasn’t like that.”
I squeezed his hand as if I’d break it.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“….”
“Calix, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you.”
Had he been blaming himself all this time? Thinking he wasn’t reliable enough, pushing himself with guilt?
Tears dripped down my face.
“Back then…”
I clenched my teeth.
“…I didn’t have the courage to keep living.”
Calix’s gaze sank deeper.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you.”
“….”
“I didn’t trust myself.”
Would such an excuse make sense to him?
Calix spoke slowly.
“…So I wasn’t enough for you?”
“You were too much for me.”
He let out a short laugh.
“Me?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“I liked you… I liked you too much. But really, I wasn’t supposed to like you.”
“….”
“Because I thought it would all end quickly. I couldn’t live here anymore. I thought if I wanted you, it would be wrong. I thought I’d soon become a traitor and die… and without me, you’d live well.”
The words came faster. Tears blurred my sight, but it made me talk more.
“You had choices. You could meet someone else. You could’ve left me as just a childhood memory.”
“….”
But why? Why, even knowing that—
“…It hurt because being with you made me too happy.”
A sob escaped me.
What nonsense was I even saying? Could Calix understand this jumble of words?
My tear-stained face stung. I lifted a hand to wipe it, but his hand stopped me.
“…?”
I looked up. Calix was right there, his hands on my cheeks. His thumbs gently wiped below my eyes.
“…It hurts.”
“Sorry.”
But still, he didn’t take his hands away. After what felt like forever, he quietly asked:
“Rena… you were in pain because you loved me?”
“….”
I nodded. Calix gave a weak laugh.
“I feel the same. Sometimes you’re so unbearably lovely… it hurts.”
“….”
Even as he spoke, he kept touching my face. His hand caressed my cheek gently.
At some point, he had climbed onto the bed. Showing me a towel, he whispered:
“…Let me wipe you.”
“….”
I quietly lowered my hand.
“….”
“….”
Calix focused on wiping my face. His lips pressed tight, his face expressionless—but his careful hands and tender eyes revealed his true feelings. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
His gaze lowered to my cheek, my jaw. With his free hand, he held my face, his long fingers cupping my skin. His thumb brushed my lips gently, as if I were delicate glass.
I placed my hand on his arm. Raising my eyes, I met his deep blue gaze.
“….”
His eyes grew darker, lingering on my lips.
“…All done.”
He gave one last wipe under my nose and put the towel down. Our eyes met again.
Without thinking, I swallowed hard.
Calix’s gaze swept across my face.
“Calix…”
My voice was pleading. I tugged on his arm, bringing us closer.
Our lips were just about to meet, breaths mingling, when he murmured:
“…Will I regret this moment later?”
“….”
A small laugh slipped from me.
“…Even if so, I don’t care. As long as you’re here.”
Then, without knowing who moved first, our lips met.
I put my hand on his chin. My whole body ached with how much I wanted him.
How could I have worried, even for a moment, that he would leave me? We wanted each other too much.
Calix leaned over me, deepening the kiss.
He was rougher than ever before, almost devouring me. He never let go, breathing into me whenever I ran out of air.
My body leaned back under him. I grabbed his arm for balance, and our noses bumped.
“Ugh.”
“Sorry.”
My words only seemed to excite him more. Calix groaned and pulled my waist closer. I clung to his neck.
I loved him so much, it brought me to tears. We held each other desperately, as if the world would end tomorrow.
After what felt like forever, our lips parted. Breathing hard, Calix pressed his forehead against mine.
“…I have something to apologize for too.”
His low voice cut through the heavy air.
“I said I’d protect you. But I went to the emperor and told her about you.”
I listened silently as he spoke bitterly.
“I even used the dragon as bait, knowing how much it meant to you.”
“….”
“I was scared. Scared you’d leave me if I told you the truth.”
His eyes searched every inch of my face, desperate not to miss any reaction. His grip on my hand tightened.
Finally, he whispered his deepest fear.
“I was afraid you’d be disappointed… and leave me.”
“No.”
We were the same. Both afraid the other would leave. Even though we each knew we never would.
I leaned back, looked him in the eyes, and spoke firmly.
“I won’t leave you.”
“….”
“Really. I won’t.”
I squeezed his hand tighter.
“Maybe I left before, but not anymore.”
“….”
“I promise. On everything I have. I’ll never leave you alone again.”
I bit down on each word as if vowing to myself.
“Really?”
“Really.”
A smile curved his lips.
“Then… how about this?”
He whispered like sharing a secret.
“We both made mistakes. Let’s forgive each other.”
How could he do this? How could I love him even more, with every passing moment? Yesterday I loved him. Today I love him more. Tomorrow I will love him even more.
My heart kept growing endlessly.
With tears at the corner of my eyes, I smiled back.
“…Okay.”
I closed my eyes and welcomed him again.
After some sleep, I woke to find it already noon. My fever had dropped a little. After burning all night, my body felt lighter.
“My throat and head still hurt though.”
I sat up, but Calix pulled me back down into bed. I turned to look—his eyes were shut.
“Calix.”
“….”
“…Asleep?”
Surprisingly, he was. His arm around me must have been unconscious.
It was rare to see him sleeping. I couldn’t waste the chance. I snuggled into his arms, looking up at his face. Naturally, the night before came to mind.
The conversations, not all clear, but the important ones I remembered.
‘I was afraid you’d leave me.’
‘You told me to stay by your side. So I didn’t go.’
‘We both made mistakes. Let’s forgive each other.’
Just recalling them warmed my heart.
Then Calix stirred and opened his eyes. His gaze fell on me. I stared, captivated by his blue eyes glowing in the daylight. Realizing it was me beside him, his lips curled into a smile.
“…Hello.”
“Hello.”
We exchanged silly greetings.
Then I suddenly thought—how long had we been apart? Had he even been sleeping properly all this time?
“I dreamed of you.”
Calix spoke with his eyes closed, his voice deep and soft from sleep.
“Really?”
“Yes. You were smiling at me. Like when we were young.”
He reached out, running his hand through my hair. Then, remembering something, he chuckled quietly.
