#39. Already Lost
“Do you think I would have killed him?”
“You’re not? Stop joking. It’s not funny.”
A sharp intent to kill had been clear right in front of me.
If I hadn’t stepped in, Marquis Brenden would have been split in two on the spot.
Considering Nikolai’s swordsmanship, he might have been diced to pieces.
And after that, there would’ve been total chaos.
“Killing the head of a noble house without trial is the sort of thing a tyrant would do.”
I pressed and massaged my throbbing temples.
Nikolai spoke, tinged with cynicism.
“As you know, I am very used to criticism.”
“I’m all for killing someone who deserves to die.”
“How delightful — we finally agree on something.”
“And what about the position I’ll be put in afterwards?”
“What worrying could there be with me around?”
“That’s exactly the problem, Your Majesty.”
“…What?”
“Imagine you murdered the marquis for insulting me. The greatest villainess on earth has swallowed the Empire! There’d be an uproar, right? Your epithet would change from ‘Casanova Emperor’ to ‘the worst tyrant in history.’”
I spoke bluntly and logically.
But Nikolai was even more impervious to reason than Franz.
“It doesn’t matter. I will kill anyone who mouths off.” He meant it; the earnestness made my head swim.
“Did you even listen to what I said until now?”
“I did. And I admired it.”
“Pardon?”
“You are truly a wise woman. Quick on your feet, bold. If you were a man, I’d have recommended you command the imperial army under me.”
Nikolai’s eyes softened as he looked at me.
It was almost sweet — like toast slathered in butter and sugar, drizzled with honey and piled high with whipped cream.
He’d grown more brazen than before.
He offered such blunt praise without changing expression.
‘I’m not used to compliments. I don’t even know how to react.’
What if the person praising me was the handsomest man in the world?
What if that handsome man would even kill for my honor?
All I could do was fan my flushed cheeks with my hand.
“Women can command armies too,” I said.
Like my favorite, Claudia.
A bitter ache spread through my chest.
Nikolai summoned her.
Claudia was supposedly staying in the Inted Isles under the pretext of strengthening defenses during her absence.
But I knew the truth.
She had already entered the capital and was covertly moving through the slums.
“Of course. The imperial army also has excellent female knights.”
Nikolai didn’t say Claudia’s name outright.
He didn’t ask for details, but he must have known I feared her. I appreciated the consideration.
At the same time, a heavy stone seemed to lodge in my chest from a secret I could never confess.
“But you cannot become a knight. Nor a general.”
“Why not? Because I must raise Your Majesty’s son?”
Why did I ruin the mood with such words?
If I’d kept quiet, things might’ve gone smoother!
As I mulled over my mistake, Nikolai put a large hand over my head.
“No. I want you to wait for me in this Canary Room.”
“!”
“I want you to remain somewhere safe and comfortable, like now.”
“Your Majesty…”
“So that coming to see you is always as pleasant as it is now.”
His velvety voice wrapped around me.
His gaze shone as if washed by clear spring water, and it pressed against my heart.
He stroked my scarlet hair like soothing a sulking child.
He wasn’t deft.
He was clumsy, actually.
Still, his touch — soft, brushed — made my heart pound in time with his hand.
What could be more honest than the heart?
Sometimes I wanted to follow my heart rather than my head.
I couldn’t be sure if Nikolai liked me, but I felt he treasured me.
Even if that tenderness was a fleeting whim, I could have been glad.
But I wanted to cry.
‘My chest hurts so much. It’s like someone is slicing out my heart with a sharp blade.’
Nikolai visiting the Canary Room wasn’t a first.
A locked door.
A feeding hatch at the bottom.
A dense hawthorn hedge like a barrier.
An elegant interior without a hint of discomfort.
Franz, who had harbored hostility toward me.
What did all of this mean?
‘Laila was the Canary Room’s owner. Every time Nikolai visited, Laila must have greeted him, just as I do now.’
Perhaps Nikolai hadn’t realized he was tracing Laila’s traces here.
A man who can’t forget his first love keeps a similar woman close.
Remembering a first love he failed to protect, he obsesses over another woman.
Isn’t that the most clichéd of clichés?
The fate of a woman who falls for such a man is predictable.
She either wins his love or is left hollowed out, bleeding and ruined.
I didn’t want to be the protagonist of a sordid tale.
Nor would I tolerate being treated as a substitute for the man who stole my heart.
“I am not a doll who waits only for Your Majesty.”
My voice was sharpened to an edge.
As if recalling being treated like a plaything, Nikolai withdrew his hand.
I wanted, for now, to pretend I didn’t notice the dismay in his teal eyes.
“What doll in the world would be as willful as you?”
“You said I was wise and bold, right?”
“With wisdom comes arrogance; with boldness comes fearlessness.”
“There — none of that has anything to do with dolls.”
I skewered his words with sarcasm.
A perfect curve formed at the corner of his lips.
“That’s what makes you maddeningly appealing.”
Don’t, heart. Not now.
“If the woman who’s taken responsibility for me keeps throwing herself in without regard for danger, that’s maddening, too.”
He bit his lip. His normally pink lips flared a darker crimson.
Remembering their touch vividly, I sucked in a breath.
Who would’ve thought I’d come to know another man’s lips more intimately than my own?
If he’d been an ordinary man and not the tyrant of the original story, I’d have folded this moment up sweetly and kept it close.
“You needn’t worry about the wager. It will all turn out well.”
“Why are you so sure of victory?”
“You’ll know soon.”
“Still full of secrets.”
“I think Your Majesty’s patience isn’t what it used to be.”
He was telling me not to go brandishing swords, and his brow furrowed.
“You’re really insensitive.” he said.
“To what?”
“My patience has strengthened since meeting you, and I’m still benefiting from that patience.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“If it weren’t for a patience that’s reached a certain realm, I would have already —”
He didn’t finish the sentence.
Instead, his emerald-green eyes glinted with a burning thirst.
His nose, jaw, and lips were tensed.
Whatever flame roared inside Nikolai, whatever restraint he exerted, one could hardly remain oblivious.
It was hard to look away.
The flickering fire had caught on to me as well.
His face moved close by a breath.
Swallowing the saliva pooled in my mouth, I turned my head aside.
“It’s getting late. I have much to do early tomorrow.”
The fire in Nikolai’s eyes vanished.
Confusion, disappointment, pity passed through in quick succession and were replaced by a composed blankness.
“I will judge you fairly,” he said.
It wasn’t out of anger or mockery.
He sounded calm, as if speaking of common matters, and I couldn’t even force a smile; I only nodded.
“I look forward to it.”
“Don’t forget our contract.”
“…I understand.”
“I hope you win the wager with Marquis Brenden. But I will win the game of seduction.”
With that he left.
He did not know, apparently, that I had already lost long ago.
That despite savoring the sting of defeat, I still wished to remain by his side.
Spring deepened.
The sun warmed and the flowers bloomed in profusion.
Using a headache as an excuse, I evaded Franz and sat in the garden lost in thought.
After admitting I’d been tempted by Nikolai, everything felt hollow.
‘I should be pulling together talent all the more energetically, but…’
Pink petals no bigger than fingernails piled on my shoulder, and I thought only of Nikolai.
Princes of Nikolai — brazen little images — flew around in my head.
I knew I couldn’t simply chase them away, so I let them be.
“See? I told you so.”
“Femme fatales aren’t that special, are they?”
“Let’s go find another woman! There’s no one prettier than Laila, but—”
“I hope the new Canary Room owner is more docile.”
Who stirred up these thoughts?
Who asked me to take responsibility?
Who leaned in to kiss but withdrew?
I both despised and missed the innocent Confucian girl Nikolai had captivated, and my gaze kept tilting back toward the main residence.
‘What a sight. I’ve got Boritz, Owen, and mountains of tasks. Next week I have to stake all my fortune on a wager.’
I brushed off the petals and moved on.
That’s when I spotted Douglas.
“Lord Douglas?”
“Has your walk been pleasant?”
Douglas asked, folding his eyes into a soft look.
I hadn’t been on a walk, and he knew it.
This wasn’t an accidental encounter.
He wore the same petals on his hair and shoulders as I did.
‘Our literature class ended long ago… how long had he been watching me?’
Curious, I didn’t ask.
The fragile wall between Douglas and me felt ready to collapse any moment.
He draped his coat over my shoulders with a gentle smile.
A faint soap scent, the smell of fresh paper, the light smell of ink.
Even his scent felt kind.
“Congratulations. I heard Volume 2 of The Empire’s Red Star became a bestseller.”
“It’s thanks to a wonderful editor and illustrator.”
That illustrator is someone I might know.
“What good is a book if the work itself isn’t good?”
“You flatter me.”
“I hear palace maids hang around the Crown Prince’s residence just to see you. Letters and gifts flood in.”
“They’re not coming to see me.”
“Then who?”
“The novelist in the fantasy.”
“Lord Douglas is probably handsomer than that imagined novelist. I guarantee it.”
Douglas lowered his head, bashful at the teasing compliment.
He didn’t blush or fluster like before.
Maybe because I wasn’t the old Elisabeth anymore.
Maybe his feelings had grown steadier.
Wrapped in his coat and walking together felt more comfortable than being alone, selfish as that thought was.
“Thank you, Elisabeth, for recommending Susan for the post.”
“She was selected for her skill.”
“Seeing how happy Susan is — I’ve never seen her so joyful. She vows to become an apothecary worthy of her grandfather’s reputation.”
“Don’t worry about overworking her. I asked the court physician to consider Susan’s stamina.”
“How will I ever repay the favor you did me?”
If he’d been an ordinary man, I’d have waved such words away.
But I wasn’t that sort of character.
“What if the opportunity to repay that favor comes?”
