Chapter 55
“…What?”
At his firm words, my body froze.
The darkness that had felt cozy and warm now brushed against my skin like icy needles, raising goosebumps.
I used to think the northern wind was nothing compared to the cold I endured in the slums…
But now, a cold sharp enough to carve into bone swept over me.
My whole body began to tremble at the unbelievable truth.
If Russell said he didn’t know before, why was he speaking so definitively now?
“Of course, I can’t be certain that this was the person you talked about before. But… the person I knew was murdered.”
“…I see.”
Still, he was dead.
Did he look into it in the meantime?
I’d expected it.
In my previous life, I’d died, my appearance had already changed, and on top of that, twenty‑three years had passed.
There’s no way he would have waited for me while I hesitated.
I was stupid. I had gained life and courage from that person’s words, yet I’d never even considered the possibility that he might be dead.
All my life, the things precious to me were taken away. So this time, too, time had stolen something while I hesitated.
“…Piana?”
A voice suddenly called out.
Something hot rolled down my cheeks.
“Ah… I don’t really… know either….”
Why am I crying?
What is this suffocating, infuriating feeling?
After coming to the North, I’d forgotten what despair felt like for a while…
This was it.
A pain so sharp it made my chest feel like it was being torn apart without me even realizing it.
It was an emotion I had experienced countless times in both my previous life and this one, yet I’d forgotten it after getting carried away by the idea of becoming a Grand Duchess.
Just as I failed to hold back the sobs about to burst out, my wrist was suddenly pulled.
He had grabbed my wrist. My palm touched Russell’s cheek.
“Russell?”
Since I couldn’t move my hand, my tears soaked into his cheek.
“When you touch my face, you look strangely calm.”
He was right.
When I placed my palm like that, I could understand things.
His expression, and his sincerity.
“How is it? Does it feel like I’m mocking you right now?”
“No… sniff… It doesn’t feel like that… at all… ngh….”
How did I look in Russell’s eyes?
I must have looked ridiculous, crying like this.
And yet, as I continued to sob, my head suddenly rested against his chest.
I can hear his heartbeat.
I couldn’t hold back anymore.
The moment I heard that sound, it felt like the tears would completely spill over.
“Russell… just for a little while… sniff… let me stay like this….”
“As long as you want.”
He willingly offered his embrace, as if it were only natural.
“Sniff… ngh….”
Despair surged over my heart like a massive tidal wave.
I had tried not to think about the possibility that he was already dead. More precisely, I hadn’t had the luxury to.
Because the only thing that held me together in this darkness were the words that person gave me.
If I found out he was dead, I would surely let go of all hope.
That was why I tried not to think about the possibility of his death.
After about ten minutes of crying, he took hold of my shoulders and tried to make me lie down.
“Piana. Lie down for now.”
“Ngh… but… the pillowcase….”
“Piana.”
The voice at my ear was stern.
Was he going to scold me?
“There’s no one here who can scold you.”
At those words, I finally couldn’t hold back the sobs.
I entrusted my body to him and weakly lay down on my side.
“Sniff… sob….”
While I clutched the pillow and cried, he stroked my back.
The hand that traced down my back was slow and gentle.
After I’d cried for a long while and my sobbing began to subside, he asked,
“Are you cold?”
“Hic… I’m… not really the type to feel cold easily….”
It wasn’t a lie. In my previous life, sleeping in drafty buildings had made me dull to the cold.
Now more than cold, what I needed was something to calm the fire that had ignited in my heart.
“Russell… I want to ask you something.”
“Anything.”
His answer was short. Clear. There was no hesitation in it, and for some reason, it felt comforting.
I asked him:
“Do you still want revenge?”
This time, Russell didn’t answer right away.
Had he noticed the revenge burning inside me?
I was convinced that they were the same person.
And because of that, I wanted revenge. I wanted to repay the person who had killed him in kind.
I didn’t want to be powerless like in my previous life. Now that I was the Grand Duchess, I wanted to take revenge on the people who had made him that way.
After a silence that was neither long nor short, Russell answered.
“It would be hard to say that I don’t.”
“I heard it from His Majesty. He said that when you came to the imperial palace, you looked like a wolf who had nothing left to tear apart.”
The emperor had warned her to be wary of Russell.
To see whether Russell was a wolf baring sharp fangs at the imperial family, or a blade that had lost the meaning of revenge and was wandering.
“I didn’t know I looked like that.”
In the deep darkness, Russell let out a low laugh tinged with self‑mockery.
“If you want revenge, I have no right to stop you.”
“You answer surprisingly easily.”
“It’s your will. However…”
He trailed off, but even without hearing it, I knew what he wanted to say.
About how revenge destroys a person, and the emptiness that follows.
Even if that person didn’t come back, I still wanted revenge.
That hadn’t changed.
“Do you think you can be happy if you achieve your revenge?”
That unexpected question left me speechless.
No one had ever asked me whether I could be happy.
Because no one had ever asked me that kind of thing.
“Why are you asking that?”
“I thought I’d lived by my own choices until now. But… who knows. Maybe I never had the chance to choose how to live in the first place.”
“Are you telling me to give up on revenge?”
“That’s not it.”
Russell answered in a firm voice.
“You should think seriously about how you want to live, too.”
I had never thought about that.
I’d only ever lived however I was swept along.
By the time I came to my senses, I had been born a slum rat and met death. Then I was born as the daughter of the Duchy of Lukianos. And now?
“I’ve never… thought about it.”
I had never had a choice.
Not when I died in my previous life, not when I was born a blind noble girl in this one, not when I came to the North and became the Grand Duchess.
He didn’t scold me.
He just held my hand.
“Russell….”
“I’m not telling you to make a decision right now. Just… if possible, make a choice you won’t regret.”
A choice I wouldn’t regret.
I had never thought of such a thing. Everything I’d ever held onto had scattered like sandcastles, and every time I tried to grasp something, it disappeared.
Will I ever be able to say that I’m happy?
In my previous life, my life had been completely barren. This life wasn’t much different.
Stupid, foolish Piana.
Even now, the words my sister and the duchess had said still hadn’t left my ears.
In the deep, cozy darkness, I thought:
Russell. I don’t know what happiness is.
If only I could erase the boiling revenge in my chest first.
After that, we didn’t speak anymore. Judging by how quiet Russell’s breathing became, I realized he’d fallen asleep.
Even if I don’t have strength, if I have the courage to take one step forward, I won’t be afraid of anywhere.
I stayed lost in thought all night long, until I heard birds crying out beyond the window. The person Russell knew and that person… they had to be the same.
I still want revenge.
Sadly, it felt like I would never have a reason to choose my own life.
Because now… I, too, was a wolf of the North.
