Chapter 23
As I thought about it, a small laugh slipped out. Who would’ve guessed I’d hear something like that from someone in my lifetime?
I had always been the one protecting, never the one being protected.
That’s why his words, though bewildering, made me strangely happy.
How should I put it… the thought that I finally had someone I could lean on, even if only emotionally, made me feel at ease.
Even if they were just words, having someone say they would protect me gave me a sense of security.
“The donations are supposed to start tomorrow, so I’ll need to go to the bank then.”
I’d been uneasy about leaving the children alone, but I couldn’t just hire someone on the spot. So, uneasy as I was, I’d have to trust them and go out.
“On the way back, I should buy some clothes and food too.”
How much would the donations amount to? I didn’t know the exact figure. I had only negotiated for a minimum of fifty gold.
At least that amount was guaranteed, so I wouldn’t lose anything. And since the duke hadn’t objected, I assumed it would be about fifty gold. Sixty, if I was lucky.
That would be enough to afford Jack’s education.
I was lost in thought when I suddenly sensed someone close by. I quickly turned my head.
When I saw the small figure before me, I was startled.
“Jack? Why aren’t you asleep…?”
When I called him, Jack looked at me. But something about his demeanor seemed… off.
“Jack…?”
His face was obscured by shadows, making it hard to see. His lips parted slightly.
“Director…”
“Jack, why are you out here in the cold night instead of sleeping?”
I hurried toward him.
He was wearing only his pajamas. Autumn was already halfway through—pleasantly cool during the day but chilly at night.
Even I had wrapped myself in a shawl, yet Jack was standing there with nothing but thin sleepwear.
Before I even wondered why he was out at this hour, I took off my shawl and draped it over his shoulders. It was a bit large, but it would keep him warm enough.
Jack silently watched me as I wrapped him in the shawl.
“Were you out for a walk? Still, you should dress warmly.”
“…No.”
“Hm? Then?”
“I came out because I saw you. I have something I want to say.”
I blinked at his unexpected words. He had something to say to me?
Though momentarily taken aback, I straightened and looked at him.
“Alright. Shall we go inside, then?”
“No… inside feels too stuffy. I want to talk here.”
Jack’s words caught me off guard, but I nodded.
“Alright then.”
Something flickered across Jack’s expression at my reply. I sat back on the bench and patted the seat beside me.
“Come, sit.”
Jack hesitated, then slowly came over and sat beside me. The hem of the long shawl nearly brushed the ground.
A brief silence followed. Neither of us spoke first.
I waited for Jack to begin.
After a while, his lips parted. But what he said was not what I expected.
“Aren’t you cold?”
“Huh? Oh.”
The question caught me completely off guard. I hadn’t imagined Jack would ask that.
His eyes flicked toward my clothes. I glanced down at myself. I hadn’t noticed under the shawl, but I was dressed in thin, comfortable loungewear.
Come to think of it—had I greeted the duke in this outfit?
I hadn’t realized at the time, but it was hardly appropriate attire for receiving a noble guest.
“Well, he did show up unannounced… he probably understood.”
Besides, that Duke Crayman didn’t seem to care much anyway.
“I’m fine. I just had some coffee, so I’m warm inside.”
I reassured him firmly, though in truth, I was a little cold. The lingering heat from the coffee helped, but before long the chill would seep in.
Still, I couldn’t just leave Jack here to fetch a coat. So I sat stiffly, waiting.
Yet Jack continued looking at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. He seemed… different from usual.
Jack had always been an unreadable child.
Ren and Edi, who had begun opening their hearts to me… Chloan, hot-tempered and unable to hide his feelings… little Rodi, still so young.
With the others, I could tell what they thought or wanted. But Jack alone was impenetrable.
His lips always sealed, his eyes cool and detached, as though he wanted nothing from me at all.
But right now, Jack seemed shaken. What on earth had unsettled him like this?
I realized it must be related to what he wanted to tell me.
I fidgeted with my fingers, waiting.
“Ugh, it really is a bit cold.”
I had always been sensitive to cold, and this body was even worse. Just a bit of night air made my fingertips freeze.
How had Ciel ever worn such revealing clothes in this body?
Still, I forced myself not to show it. I just waited quietly for Jack to speak.
Then, suddenly, Jack reached out both hands toward me. He leaned closer. Surprised, I watched him.
“…I’m sorry. I knew you were cold and just putting up with it.”
I looked at my shoulder. The shawl now covered both of us, stretched from me to Jack. Thankfully, it was large enough for us both.
“I just… wanted to see how you’d react.”
“What do you mean…?”
“I have a problem.”
The words tumbled out. Before I could question what he meant, Jack continued. I closed my mouth and listened.
“You asked me if I wanted to take lessons, didn’t you?”
That was earlier this morning. I nodded.
“I did.”
“I do want to. But… do you think I can?”
His voice was steady, his face calm—but to me, he seemed on the verge of collapse.
“…If you want to, then you can. You should go.”
“Education costs a lot of money. And while I’m studying, who will look after the kids? And also…”
His voice trailed off. I thought I knew the unspoken part.
I knew Jack’s secret. I knew the orphanage’s ruin was tied to him.
Because he knew it too, he was suppressing his own desires.
All to protect the children.
But Jack was still just a child.
He might seem mature, but in the face of yearning, even adults falter. How much more so a child?
This wasn’t really a request for advice—it was his suffering, poured out one-sidedly.
And only now did I understand.
The reason Jack ignored my shivering, though he noticed, was to see if I had truly changed. To see if it was safe to confide his burden.
But in seeking that answer, he had already opened his heart. He just didn’t realize it yet.
“I’m the oldest, the big brother. I’m supposed to protect and care for the others. But because of my own selfish wants, I almost neglected them… I feel so pathetic. And yet…”
Jack buried his face in his hands, looking tormented. In him, I saw my own reflection.
Myself, who had given up dreams and schooling just to work, simply because I was the oldest at the orphanage.
Was that what I looked like, too?
It was far too cruel.
Jack was still so young. Too small and fragile to bear such a heavy load just because he was the eldest.
I didn’t know what to say. Should I comfort him? Tell him, “You’re doing great”?
But would those words really help him?
I didn’t think long.
I simply said what I most wanted him to hear.
“Jack is just… Jack.”
He looked up at me. For once, his eyes, always empty, brimmed with tears.
“You don’t have to carry so much. Sure, maybe it’s because I wasn’t doing my job properly that you’ve had to shoulder so much. But not anymore. If there’s something you want, pursue it. If there’s something you want to learn, learn it. Bad things are off-limits, of course—but you don’t have to keep suppressing your wishes. Just as you’ve given your all to the kids, I’ll give my all too.”
“I’m scared… that my selfishness will ruin everything…”
His lips trembled, as though barely restraining some deep emotion.
I smiled at him gently. He probably thought I couldn’t possibly understand.
But I did. I had read this book. I knew Jack’s past and his future.
I knew what his words truly meant. And so, I could give him only this answer:
“I’ll protect you.”
“…”
“I’ll protect you, the kids, and this orphanage. So you… you can just be Jack. You can be a fourteen-year-old child.”
And for some reason… Duke Crayman suddenly came to mind.
