Chapter 59
To Beldam
I inhaled sharply and opened my eyes. It felt like I’d come back from the brink of death. Someone stroked my hair and whispered.
“Lady, rest a little longer. It’s still early dawn.”
I shook my head and tried to babble.
“No — I… I don’t want to rest. I….”
“It’s all right. Everything’s all right now.”
The comforting voice of an unknown woman was enough to close my eyes. The moment I shut them, I sank beyond the barrier of reality.
Giles was before me. Giles Hessen. The man who had made me convulse with agony more times than I could count. He was the reason I suffered — and still was. I wanted to scream myself hoarse for an entire day.
He grabbed me and said,
“Anna, remember. If you tell them you brought me to Beldam, they will protect you. I’m the most hated traitor in Beldam. You did something the Beldam Intelligence Service couldn’t do. There’s no reason they shouldn’t protect you.”
No. I don’t want that. I don’t want to push you off a cliff to save myself.
I don’t want you to die miserably because of me.
“Tell the people of Beldam this: Giles Hessen resented you and tried to kill you. Say you fled to the border to ask for help. Say the wound in your abdomen is all because of me.”
Why should I do that? Why should I tell such a despicable lie?
I shouted, but my words didn’t reach Giles, as if I were calling to a protagonist in a movie.
“Don’t ever defend me. Don’t take my side, Anna. I’m a man deserving of the hatred of a whole nation. Don’t get involved.”
No. You don’t have the right to do this to me.
I won’t lie.
I don’t want you to die. I want you to survive with me. Because…
“Go to Beldam and live. The things you were denied will be waiting for you there. Please live happily. Nobody there will try to hold you back.”
I still love you.
Don’t make me do this.
Giles cried. It was the first time I’d seen him truly sorrowful and shedding tears — he had always been stingy with his emotions.
“Anna, I’m sorry. I never meant to cause you pain. I was just so afraid of losing you that I treated it like death. That’s why I confined you. And I justified it to myself as being for your own good. I’m sorry. In the end, I dragged you into my nightmares for my own sake.”
Save the apologies for later, Giles.
That’s not a reason for you to die.
I pressed myself into his arms. Giles hugged me once more and shook. He was afraid too. The death he had tried so hard to avoid was approaching.
“It’s all right. I’m only finally putting things back to what they should’ve been. I will pay my dues, and you… you will be happy there. If I truly care for you, I now know what I must do. I should have let you go long ago. I shouldn’t have held you to my chest.”
I don’t want to throw stones at you.
Freedom, happiness — they must not be gained by sacrificing the one you love.
Giles gave me his final farewell.
“Be happy, Anna. Don’t forget that I loved you.”
Just as I was about to reply, Giles was already gone. He had vanished. The moment I understood that he would never return…
I woke and opened my eyes.
The room I lay in was a very large, ornate hospital chamber. Linen curtains half covering a great window fluttered in the breeze, and the white marble walls were adorned with oil paintings of various kinds. On the bedside table someone had carefully arranged a vase of tulips.
Lying there in the morning sun for a moment, I fixed on one clear, decisive thought.
“Giles.”
I had to find Giles. I had seen him fall from a gunshot. But he couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t be. I needed to find him before it was too late.
Just as I was about to climb out of bed, a nurse in a white apron came in carrying a tray of food. She smiled brightly at me as she saw I’d woken.
“Lady, you’re awake. Just in time for breakfast.”
“Where are my clothes?”
“It’s all right. We’ve kept everything you lost safe and sound.”
“I don’t want to eat. I’m leaving.”
“Where are you planning to go?”
“There’s someone I have to find. He, he…”
“Oh — he’s on his way right now. If you wait a little while you’ll meet him here. So calm down and have your meal. You must be hungry.”
The nurse sat me back down when I tried to get out of bed.
On the tray she’d brought was warm vegetable soup and several large pieces of bread. Truthfully, I was hungry, and even though I didn’t have time for it I found myself spooning the soup.
The nurse watched me contentedly.
“Lady Eloise Bismar, you’ve been through a lot. You can rest easy now. You’ve safely arrived in Beldam.”
“What?”
I stopped mid-spoonful and looked at her.
“Yes, this is Beldam. Hard to believe, isn’t it?”
“It’s not that — what did you just call me?”
“Lady Eloise Bismar. You’re the head and heiress of the Bismar count family, aren’t you?”
Before I could respond, another person pushed the hospital door open. I’d never seen the man before. He was dressed sharply in a suit and was on the verge of middle age; I thought he might be a man of high rank. The nurse rose and stepped back as soon as she saw him.
The man nodded once to the nurse.
“You may leave now.”
The nurse left the room without argument. I was the only one who didn’t understand what was going on. Now that I thought about it, I didn’t even know exactly where I had been moved.
The man sat where the nurse had been and looked at me. Up close he had a sharp look about him; his gray eyes added to that unapproachable air.
“Don’t worry and eat. It’ll taste worse if it gets cold.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m from the Beldam Intelligence Service. Arent Holzmann.”
“What business does an intelligence officer have with me?”
“You came running to Beldam’s border asking for protection, didn’t you?”
At that moment Giles’s words overlapped in my mind: Beldam would protect you. I had traded Giles’s life for the right to live safely in Beldam. My scattered, shattered thoughts slid back into order.
I had to act wisely. The choice was mine.
Would I take the peaceful life I’d longed for? Or refuse to give Giles up…?
What I most wanted to know right then was where Giles was, what condition he was in, whether he was alive — but I wasn’t sure I could ask Arent.
I decided to approach carefully.
“Tell me exactly where I am.”
“You’ve been moved to the capital. This is the Schleswig National Hospital of Holstein. You had serious wounds so we had no choice but to treat you first.”
“Holstein?”
“Yes. As I said, you’re in the capital.”
“Then… where is Giles, Giles Hessen?”
“There’s no need to worry. He can’t get near you anymore.”
I feared he might be dead. I knew well that someone shot through the torso rarely survived.
“Is he dead?”
Arent didn’t answer right away; he stared at me with eyes I couldn’t read. I grew anxious that my concern for Giles might show in my expression.
After a moment he replied, his face and voice flat.
“I wish I could tell you that, but unfortunately he’s still alive. We have him detained in a safe place, so don’t worry about Hessen. He’s been isolated from the world. Perhaps that’s for the best for Hessen too. It will be hard for him to find anyone in Beldam who doesn’t hate him.”
“Still alive means… does that mean they’re going to kill him soon?”
“If a death sentence is handed down, yes.”
At least it meant a decision to kill or spare Giles had not yet been made. He would face trial. But I thought there was a high probability he would receive a death sentence.
Albert had told me: Giles would be a convenient scapegoat — a sacrificial victim to channel the rage against a fallen nation.
But… what could I possibly do? There was nothing I could do for Giles. Even if I could go see him, I wouldn’t be able to show any joy.
My chest tightened. Giles had given me a life of safety, and yet I could neither be grateful nor happy.
I had literally gained peace by offering him as a sacrifice. That was wrong. Giles had saved my life twice; despite his many wrongs, he’d always wanted to show me love.
A freedom stained with such a person’s blood meant nothing.
Even if my body regained freedom, my soul would remain chained by guilt forever, screaming agony.
What I wanted was a victory I had won with my own hands — not freedom bought by sacrificing another. Never.
