Chapter 4
Cecil’s Death
There was a summer festival in the village where Cecil lived.
It wasn’t particularly large, but a few stalls were set up in the town square, and people could walk around at night.
For me, at six years old, who normally had to sleep early, being able to go out at night was already a special event.
“I’ve never been to a festival. I want to go, big sister.”
When I asked Cecil, he put a hooded jacket on me so my hair and eyes wouldn’t stand out, and took me to the village summer festival.
At the small stalls, they sold fruit coated in candy and grilled meat skewers.
I had eaten the food made by uncles and aunts before, but ever since going to town, I had developed a liking for candy, so I was drawn to the fruit coated in candy and stopped in front of it.
“Garne-kun, do you want that?”
“Can I?”
“Shall we buy it?”
Cecil let me hold the money and choose whatever I wanted. I picked a muscat grape coated in candy, and used the money Cecil had painstakingly saved from sewing to buy it.
I sat on a bench in the square, eating the candy while looking up at the sky.
The summer sky was clear, and the stars were very beautiful.
The summer festival was held on a full moon night, so a large, round moon was also in the sky.
“The stars are so pretty, big sister.”
“You can see the stars well in summer. The moon is out too.”
“The moon… somehow scares me. I don’t like it.”
I lowered my eyebrows slightly as I listened to Cecil while eating the candy.
It was something I had seen in a picture book at Cecil’s house.
The moon was always depicted as following you no matter which way you looked.
That scared me, and that was why I didn’t like the moon.
“Why do you hate the moon?”
“Because it follows me.”
When I told Cecil this, he explained kindly.
“The moon isn’t following you, Garne-kun.”
“Really?”
“It’s watching over you.”
Under the moonlight, Cecil held his palm in front of my eyes. My skin was pale, but Cecil’s hand also looked bluish-white under the moonlight.
“When the moon is out, it’s bright enough to see your own palm at night. The moon lights the way home for you.”
“It doesn’t follow me?”
“No, it doesn’t follow you.”
If Cecil said so, it must be true.
I finished the candy-coated fruit and stood up from the bench.
“The moon is watching over us. Let’s go home, big sister.”
“Let’s go home, Garne-kun.”
Holding hands on the way back, I looked at Cecil’s hand over and over. Under the moonlight, his hand glowed bluish-white.
A magical hand that could sew anything.
I thought Cecil’s hand, capable of making anything, was special.
But our peaceful life came to an abrupt end.
It was half a month after I had started living with Cecil.
I had felt like I could live with him forever.
But then, men with swords burst into Cecil’s house.
“I heard a red-eyed child is hiding here!”
“Bring out the child!”
The remnants of a coup had found me.
I was so scared that my legs wouldn’t move.
The wound on my right shoulder throbbed painfully.
Frozen with fear, I could only watch as Cecil stepped in front of the men.
“Run, Garne-kun!”
“Big sister!”
The men who tried to seize me showed no mercy to Cecil.
Swords fell, blood splattering.
Cecil’s body leaned and fell, covered in blood. I held him without caring that I was getting stained as well.
“Run… Gar…ne…”
“No! Don’t die! Big sister!”
“Ga…rne…”
Blood poured from Cecil’s body, unstoppable.
I was too scared to accept the reality of losing him, crying and screaming, and the men grabbed me.
“Big sister! Big sister!”
“Shall we keep her alive and use her for negotiations with the emperor’s proxy?”
“It’s a waste to just kill her.”
I could hear their voices, but I could only think about Cecil, who had collapsed and wouldn’t move.
“Big sister! Don’t die! Big sister!”
“Shut up! Be quiet!”
One of the men slapped my cheek, and I was thrown to the floor. I couldn’t move. It seemed he was about to explain what would happen next, but several soldiers with swords appeared.
The soldiers quickly dealt with the men and respectfully lifted me from the floor.
“Your Highness, the Crown Prince, we have come to escort you.”
“Save my big sister! Save my big sister!”
More concerned about Cecil than myself, I cried out in desperation. The soldiers checked Cecil’s wounds, felt his pulse, and shook their heads regretfully.
“It’s no use. He has already passed.”
“Save my big sister! Please! Save my big sister!”
“Your Highness, this girl is already dead.”
“No! My big sister is supposed to be with me! We’re going to marry! Big sister! Big sister!”
No matter how much I called, Cecil did not move.
I cried hysterically, and my uncle and aunt rushed to him.
“Cecil!? Cecil!?”
“Why!?”
Both my uncle and aunt were panicking.
“Thank you for protecting the Crown Prince. It is unfortunate about her, but the emperor’s proxy will surely reward her properly for protecting the Crown Prince.”
“We don’t need that!”
“Return Cecil to me!”
I couldn’t stop crying with my uncle and aunt.
Together with the soldiers, I was taken away and brought back to the imperial city, unable to say goodbye to Cecil.
No matter how much the soldiers tried to make me change clothes, I refused to take off the clothes Cecil had made for me. I didn’t bathe, and I didn’t care if the clothes were bloodstained.
Those clothes were the only connection between Cecil and me.
I no longer had tears.
It seems people can’t cry once their grief passes.
At the palace, the maids tried to change my clothes, but I thrashed like a beast and refused to remove the clothes Cecil had made.
Seeing this, my mother held me tightly.
“I’m glad you’re safe. That outfit is important to you, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Then I will not tear or dispose of it. Let me wash it.”
“No.”
“If you don’t trust me, you can watch me wash it. You can watch until it dries.”
“I can watch the whole time?”
“If it makes you feel better, yes. Then we can have you wear it again after it’s cleaned.”
Persuaded by my mother, I finally took off the clothes Cecil had made and was put into the bath. While washing, the blood from Cecil washed away.
Cecil had died because of me.
Thinking about it made each breath feel like swallowing shards of glass.
After the bath, I watched the servants carefully wash, remove stains, and dry the clothes Cecil had made.
Even while they dried, I was too afraid to look away.
I couldn’t bring myself to wear the dried clothes.
The blue-ivy-patterned outfit Cecil had sewn for me, meant to protect me from misfortune—I felt I no longer deserved to wear it.
Cecil had died protecting me.
I couldn’t wear the clothes, but I couldn’t let them go either. I constantly stroked the blue-ivy embroidery, keeping Cecil’s creation close to me.
I hadn’t eaten for days, but I wasn’t hungry at all.
When I felt like I might collapse, my mother fed me out of necessity, but I couldn’t taste the food.
It felt like I was eating sand.
I missed meals with Cecil.
I missed Cecil.
I wanted to see Cecil.
But I could never see him again.
Even when dressed in mourning clothes for my father’s funeral, I couldn’t part with Cecil’s clothes.
My mother made me a cloth bag to fold and keep the clothes close.
She understood that these clothes were the only thread holding together my fraying nerves.
“I want to go to big sister…”
I whispered softly, and my mother seemed to be crying.
Having lost her husband and with her son hurt, she was in the hardest position, yet she desperately tried to keep me alive.
After a few days of being fed by my mother, I began to eat on my own, though the taste was gone.
I ate out of duty, just to stay alive.
I couldn’t waste the life Cecil had saved.
Even so, I longed for Cecil, and in those moments, I would take out the clothes from the bag—the ones that still had blood stains he couldn’t remove—and trace the blue-ivy embroidery with my fingers.
It was the only thing that reminded me of Cecil and kept me anchored to this world.
Cecil was gone.
Father was gone.
Everything felt meaningless, but Cecil’s embroidery somehow kept me connected to this world.
