Chapter 57
Ellen, leaving the mansion without running into anyone, hesitated for a moment before deciding to head to the garden.
“Good thing I came out wearing a coat. If I’d just worn the gown, I would’ve had to go back immediately.”
Ellen buttoned up her coat and slipped her hands into the pockets.
As she walked around the mansion toward the garden, she spotted the largest tree on the Karzel estate—the Elrok tree. It was the same tree where she had first met Roil when she had just arrived in this world.
“A kid was whistling over there once. Just like Eunho.”
A smile appeared on Ellen’s face as she recalled the memory.
Should I go all the way to that tree…? No, it’s cold, maybe I shouldn’t.
As Ellen hesitated, a shape caught her eye.
“…Roil?”
It was too dark to see clearly, but under the Elrok tree, a dark shape seemed to have the outline of a person.
‘There’s no way a servant would be sitting there at this hour… could it be Roil?’
She couldn’t see well.
Squinting and staring for a while, Ellen decided to go see for herself. She approached the shape, her footsteps deliberate, and froze as she recognized it.
Roil was crying.
‘Should I stay beside him or pretend I didn’t see him and leave? Judging by how he’s still crying, he probably hasn’t noticed me yet.’
Time passed awkwardly as Ellen stood there, unsure of what to do. Roil’s crying lasted longer than expected. Ellen wished he would at least look up briefly so she wouldn’t have to decide what to do.
After lingering for a while, Ellen finally stepped closer. Silently, she sat down next to Roil. He kept his arms over his knees, burying his face.
After a moment, Roil’s sobs quieted, but he remained with his face hidden.
“……”
“……”
The two of them sat in silence, knees up, huddled together. Just when Ellen thought they’d both get frostbite, a gust of wind blew sharply through the tree, shaking its leaves loudly.
“My face is freezing.”
Ellen muttered, glancing at Roil to check if he was dressed properly. He was wearing a thick coat, so she turned her gaze forward again.
“Ah… okay. Hm. Everything’s dry now.”
Roil coughed lightly, his voice still weak.
“That’s a relief.”
Silence fell between them again.
“My mother… didn’t know anything and passed away.”
Ellen almost asked, “What do you mean?” but quickly realized what Roil was talking about and stayed silent.
“She thought I was Roilet and worried only about me until the end… When I ran to her, she was briefly conscious. Holding my hand, worrying only about me… I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t Roilet. I just pretended to be Roilet.”
Tears welled up in Roil’s voice again. Neither he nor Ellen looked at each other; they stared only at the grass beneath them.
“I called her ‘Mother’ and asked her to wait a bit, to stay by my side… and do you know what she said to me?”
“What did she say?”
“That the best thing she ever did in her life was giving birth to me, that she was thankful I came to her as her son. That because of me, she’d lived happily all this time and shouldn’t be too sad now…”
Tears streamed from Roil’s eyes again, thick and visible even in the darkness.
“What could I say…? ‘Mother, I’m actually Eunho? The Roilet you loved so much isn’t really here? I’m sorry…?’”
As clouds parted, the moonlight revealed Roil’s face, swollen from crying. Ellen quietly stared at him.
“All sorts of thoughts ran through my head then. She shouldn’t leave without knowing the truth, right? I tried to speak… but her eyes, you know, that look… it’s the look of someone thinking, ‘How can I leave my precious child behind?’ The eyes of someone leaving the most valuable thing in the world…”
Roil spoke as if staring at something in the distance.
“My mother was struggling, just watching me in silence, but I could feel everything she felt. Seeing those eyes, I couldn’t say anything. If she knew the son she adored wasn’t really hers, she’d close her eyes in shock immediately. Even after that, she wouldn’t rest comfortably…”
Roil exhaled deeply, looking into the void as he spoke mechanically.
“I called the doctor urgently, but I thought my mother wouldn’t hold on until the doctor arrived. It seemed she might pass any moment. I thought, ‘What’s the use now? Maybe it’s better to let her go peacefully.’ So I closed my mouth again…”
He pressed his hands to his face, then slowly lowered them and looked at Ellen, still uncertain.
“I deceived someone about a child until their death. Was that really the right thing to do?”
Ellen couldn’t answer. Roil didn’t seem to want a response anyway, continuing quietly.
“Hyesuh, when I first realized I was in Roilet’s body, I didn’t hesitate. I just lived as Roilet, trying not to get caught.”
“……”
“I didn’t even think about deceiving my parents or those around me. I didn’t question if I deserved to live here. Thrown into an unfamiliar world, the only way to survive was to live as Roilet. I was too busy surviving to think about anything else.”
“……”
“But as I adapted to life as Roilet, I realized I was deceiving my parents. I noticed how worried my mother was over the changed son.”
Ellen listened intently but gave no reaction—neither blame nor comfort—simply hearing him out, which seemed to reassure Roil to continue.
“Since then, I’ve never been free of guilt when looking at my mother. When she praised me for being so well-behaved, I wanted to cry. The real Roilet wouldn’t have been so perfect.”
Roil inhaled and exhaled deeply. Even Ellen could notice how unstable his breathing was, unlike during training sessions.
“Even if I wanted to act out like the real Roilet might, I couldn’t. How dare I trouble my mother. With an unknown being inside my son’s body, it’s catastrophic enough—what right does a fake son have to act up?”
Ellen instinctively nodded; she had thought similarly several times.
“I thought, ‘Should I tell her at ten? Fifteen? When I come of age?’ But I kept postponing it. One day I thought, ‘Do I even need to tell her? Telling won’t bring Roilet back, nothing will change. Why make the whole family suffer?’ That day, I vowed to never tell… but then my mother, leaving her final words for my happiness, passed away…”
Roil rambled, but kept talking.
“You did well. You did the right thing.”
Ellen whispered softly, her small voice clear to him:
“If you’d told her the truth then, she’d have left burdened, worrying about how to treat you, never mourning properly for Roilet. How could she rest peacefully then?”
Roil felt a weight lift slightly from his chest. He realized he wanted to hear, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t tell my parents either… I might never tell them. …I’m scared. What if they refuse to look at me? What if they see me as the monster who consumed Eleonoa? What if they hate me…?”
Ellen’s voice trembled. Roil patted her knee.
“Look at me. Why am I being comforted? You’re the one sad.”
Ellen wiped her tears with her sleeve.
“It’s okay.”
Roil patted her knee a few more times and looked at the sky. One moon remained hidden behind clouds.
“Only one moon now.”
Ellen followed his gaze.
“Yeah. When we first saw two moons, it felt too bright at night.”
“Now one feels darker.”
“Yeah. Even though it’s not midnight, when there’s only one, you wonder where the other went. We’ve been in this world a long time, haven’t we?”
They watched the sky in silence, letting their minds empty as clouds drifted by.
“It feels so… easy. Without conscience.”
Roil blinked as his eyes dried.
“Feels good, right?”
“Talking with you calms me somehow. Maybe because we’re comrades.”
Roil glanced at the mansion lights and continued:
“After the funeral, when everyone left, I sometimes forget my mother passed. I went to bed after seeing Erica off. I thought about this and that, like how to manage her work now, how to plan ahead… things like that.”
“Mm.”
“All these worries stem from her passing, but thinking about them doesn’t make me fully realize she’s gone. It just feels like more work. Even now… entering the house, it feels like she’s still there.”
Ellen looked at the mansion. Roil, the master, hadn’t gone to bed yet, so the house was bright. Lights were on even in Diana’s room.
“But she’s not there now. Amber must be sorting her belongings in that room.”
Ellen found no words and fiddled with a stone. Roil, seemingly not expecting a reply, asked:
“Shall we head in? Or do you want to stay out longer?”
“No, let’s go in.”
Worried they were going in earlier than planned because of her, Roil asked again:
“Want to take a walk first?”
“No, I think it’s time to go in. Let’s go.”
Roil stood and held out his hand. Ellen took it and got up, brushing off her skirt.
