DYNS 17

Chapter 17

Those piercingly blue eyes stared at their own reflection without the slightest ripple, like the surface of a still lake.

Vain. Hollow.

As if emotions had never existed in the first place.

As if, having repeated only this one thing over and over again, he had never even learned that other possibilities existed.

No—like a doll.

[…Stop.]

I could no longer bear it and squeezed my eyes shut.

[I think I’ve seen enough.]

There was no need to look any further. This wasn’t living—it was raising a child like livestock.

[M-Miena?]

Realizing something was wrong with me, Ruth called out in a voice filled with concern.

It was so full of emotion that it was hard to believe it came from the same boy who had been sitting there moments ago with such a dried-up expression.

How could anyone do this to a child? How?

No matter how nice the room, no matter how good the food.

There was no freedom here for the child. No will of his own.

This was blatant abuse.

[You’ve been repeating this. Every single day. Without fail.]

[Y-Yes…]

[Nothing different from the routine you showed me has ever happened? Not once, until you met me.]

[A-As far as I remember…]

Ruth answered in his clumsy voice. His dream had already sunk back into pitch-black darkness.

But now, that darkness felt wider and freer than the bedroom I had just seen.

I swallowed the curse threatening to spill out and took another slow, steady breath.

Ruth is watching me too carefully. If I suddenly lose my temper here, he’ll shrink back.

I can’t take my anger out on a child.

I rubbed my face with both hands and forced a casual smile.

[Then I really am your first friend.]

To think I’d been entrusted with something so heavy when I’m about to die.

Instead of sighing, I bowed my head and squeezed my eyes shut before opening them again.

To Ruth, my very existence was the first unexpected event in his life.

A square suddenly appearing in a world that had only ever been round. If you were being cold about it, I was more like a virus or a bug.

If I hadn’t appeared in his dream, he would have gone on repeating the same daily routine, never even knowing something was wrong.

Not knowing other people’s lives, he might have continued on without ever feeling dissatisfaction.

I know that, but…

[Ugh, no matter how I think about it, this isn’t right.]

I had seen this child’s life. I had recognized what he lacked. And, unfortunately, I wasn’t shameless enough to just turn away.

But I also wasn’t in a position to act recklessly.

If only I weren’t terminally ill. If only this body were healthy, I could stay by Ruth’s side until he grew up properly.

If someone else had this ability instead of me—if someone else had found him…

[Miena?]

At that moment, his fragile voice scattered my thoughts. I quickly lifted my head and blinked several times.

Was I more shaken than I thought? I almost drowned in pointless self-blame.

Meaningless assumptions only breed negative emotions.

I don’t have much time left to waste blaming an unchangeable past or an unalterable reality.

So then, within the time I have left, what is the best thing I can do?

What can I give this child?

Do I even have the right to give him anything?

[Hey, Ruth.]

I called out to the unseen boy, hesitating slightly.

“My judgments are concise, my actions decisive”—that’s my motto, but this time I couldn’t follow it.

Looking only at Ruth’s situation, there was nothing to deliberate. Of course I should help him. Even now, I wanted to bring down righteous punishment on his guardian.

But I am going to die.

I can’t take responsibility for him to the end. And half-hearted affection only brings greater loss.

Ruth doesn’t see me as a stiff “business partner” like Yustin does, nor has he had years to prepare for parting from me like my parents have.

He would definitely be hurt.

Even if the time flies by quickly, even if it’s very short. The scar would remain.

[What should I do with you?]

A child whose dream was dyed completely black, though he was neither blind nor deaf.

A child who had grown up like a doll, never knowing what had been taken from him.

[What should I do?]

I reached my hand gently into the empty air, and though there was nothing there, it felt as if a faint warmth clung to my fingertips.

As if trying to comfort me.

[Ha… ha.]

The one who needs comfort isn’t me. The one who isn’t okay isn’t you.

I clenched my fist tightly, as if grasping that warmth.

A child who didn’t even have a name before meeting me.

A child who carries the brightest light, yet dreams the darkest dreams.

Suddenly, I realized something obvious and took a deep breath.

Right. Ruth is a child.

Someone who cannot live alone—and should not have to.

If I stand here worrying about the future and refuse to reach out, then you’ll spend your entire childhood alone in this pitch-black darkness.

And I can’t knowingly let that happen.

I can’t.

[I’ll give you a choice. To put it simply, if you choose one of the two options, I’ll follow what you want.]

In truth, this was my petty self-justification—because I couldn’t leave Ruth alone, yet couldn’t stay with him forever either.

I already knew which answer he would choose.

That made it all the more cruel.

Standing in the center of the darkness, I began to speak as if making a declaration.

[First, let’s be clear. I can’t take responsibility for you for the rest of your life. I don’t even know where you live or exactly who you are, so I can’t come find you in person and take you away.]

[…]

[But if you choose the first path, I’ll do everything within my power to teach you. So that you can live in this world on your own.]

[Th-Then of course—]

[But the more you learn from me, the more you’ll have to face your situation directly. And that will be very, very hard.]

In exchange for facing the world, you will come to know the pain of being denied what you rightfully deserve.

Just as you learned about waiting through me—and the loneliness that comes with it.

You’ll learn of the misfortune that has befallen you, of your own helplessness. You might even break because of it.

Of course, I’ll do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

[You’ll realize there are many things you can’t do right now. And that will hurt even more. You may not fully understand what I’m saying at this moment, but before long, you will. And when you finally understand everything, there may be no one left to help you.]

Because by then, I might already be gone from this world.

I swallowed those last words and let the warning hang in the air. I heard him draw in a small breath.

He might not have fully grasped my meaning, but he had sensed the mood.

I inhaled again and continued, this time more gently.

[The second path is to continue living exactly as you have been. If you’ve never felt discomfort with your life so far, then perhaps staying as you are might make you happier.]

If you can’t escape anyway, then accepting reality is also a choice.

Just as I accepted my terminal life, you could try to find happiness within it.

At the very least, Ruth wasn’t suffering physical violence. He was given good meals and obligatory, if insufficient, care.

But even so—

I want you to climb out of this well.

Even if it means sometimes hurting, sometimes feeling anger—I want you to know injustice and find the courage to move forward.

[The choice is yours.]

And I already knew which one he would choose.

He had already come to know me. He had already taken my hand.

[I—I…]

Soon, Ruth spoke in a trembling voice.

[I want you to keep coming to see me, Miena.]