CHAPTER 01
After eight years as an idol trainee, my debut at a major entertainment company fell through. I moved to a smaller agency and finally debuted as part of a four-member group called GANGSTER-M.
From the moment we debuted, the spotlight was on us. It seemed like we would walk only on a flower-covered road from then on…
But then—
“I’m sorry. When I was in school, I foolishly wanted to look cool and ended up bullying other students. Everything that has been said is true. I have no excuse. I don’t want to cause any more damage to the group, so I will leave voluntarily. Thank you for the love you’ve given me.”
Exactly one month after debut.
Our leader—the one we trusted and relied on—left the group after being caught in a school bullying scandal.
“There’s nothing we can do. Let’s continue as a three-member group. We’ll change the parts and choreography and start again. We can’t just disband like this.”
At the CEO’s words, we all nodded.
The one who left was gone, and we had to keep the group going.
But then…
“I have nothing to say except that I’m sorry. I’ve had a girlfriend since high school. And the result of our love came sooner than expected. I can’t bring myself to end a life, so I’ve decided to take responsibility. I’m sorry to the members, but I will leave the group and live as the man of one woman. I hope you will support my choice.”
Exactly three months later, our main dancer left the group after his girlfriend—whom he had dated since his trainee days—became pregnant.
We thought we would at least continue as a duo.
But then…
“The first time I drank alcohol was because of unbearable stress. After the group members kept leaving, the anxiety about the future weighed heavily on me. Even though I knew I was still a minor and shouldn’t do such things, I reached out for the drink without thinking. When I drank, it felt like the weight crushing me disappeared. While drinking, a senior offered me some drugs. In my drunken state, I took them without even knowing what they were. I’m sorry. I have nothing else to say.”
Even the youngest member left like that.
All of this happened within one year of our debut.
It was unbelievable.
It wasn’t just one person causing trouble in the group.
Four of us debuted together, yet the other three members—all except me—left for scandals. Not health issues. Not unavoidable circumstances.
Scandals.
But I couldn’t just collapse and give up.
The company quickly assembled second-generation members to make up for the losses caused by GANGSTER-M.
We continued promotions.
But the response was terrible.
[I don’t want to see that criminal group. Birds of a feather flock together. What was the name of the one guy left? Yoonseul? Seo Yoonseul? Anyway, he’s probably the same. Three out of four members ran away from the group—how can anyone like them? Just give up, company. You’re making the wrong decision.]
↳ LOL the agency is amazing. They should’ve just debuted a new group with a different name. What is this? If they didn’t want to give up Seo Yoonseul, they should’ve debuted him separately. The group name already has a terrible reputation.
↳ Why would we trust a group full of criminals? Now everyone knows the agency can’t manage their artists properly.
↳ But one of them didn’t commit a crime though.
↳ Not a crime, but in the idol world it’s basically the same thing lol.
Only mockery greeted us.
People say that even bad attention is better than no attention.
But that wasn’t true.
Being hated by countless people for something that wasn’t my fault was exhausting.
I believed that if I worked hard enough, people would eventually understand my sincerity.
But reality wasn’t a fairy tale.
[Maybe it’s because their name is GANGSTER. They really act like gangsters.]
↳ Turns out the name really fits.
↳ LOL even real gangsters wouldn’t be this bad.
↳ But seriously, how can one group have this many criminals? That’s actually impressive.
[They made history in K-pop. This group should be in the Guinness Book. The idol group that collapsed the fastest because of crimes.]
↳ Still, Eugene hyung is a bit different, right? Premarital pregnancy was bad, but at least he took responsibility.
↳ His wife even got sponsorships for their newlywed house interior. Fans got hurt twice.
↳ Seriously? That’s crossing the line. Even after leaving he’s still hurting fans.
Reading more of the comments felt like it would damage my mental health, so I flipped my phone face down.
I wasn’t sure whether my stomach was burning or my throat was dry, so I went out to drink some water. There I saw Hyunsu, one of the second-generation members, about to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“Why do you care? What, are you my mom? Stop acting like it.”
“Don’t go around doing stupid things! Public opinion is already bad!”
“It’s already bad anyway. Honestly, it might be easier if the rumors were true. Wasting five years chasing a dream that won’t happen is more exhausting.”
With that, he slammed the door and left.
It was impossible for the second-generation members and me to get along.
They had joined the team with dreams too.
But what awaited them was a horrible reality.
They probably need someone to blame. Thinking that the team might have succeeded if I weren’t here might be the only way they can endure it.
Honestly, I understood.
I would probably think the same.
Should I really leave the team…? After trying so hard…
A bitter taste filled my mouth.
* * *
When I opened my eyes, a scene far too familiar greeted me.
Since that day, I had seen this moment in my dreams so many times that I could never forget it.
A cheap background made by hanging white cloth on the practice room wall.
A spare desk and chair borrowed from the office.
A black suit they made me wear for an apology broadcast.
Even makeup that made my lips pale so I would look exhausted.
Just like always, the nightmare was identical to the past—down to the smallest detail.
This is seriously the worst.
“Seo Yoonseul.”
My former manager Kim Sungcheol called my name in a threatening voice.
“….”
He had controlled and oppressed us since before our debut.
“Are you not answering?”
Why was I ever scared of threats like that? It’s not like he could actually kill me.
Back then, I trembled whenever he called my name.
Even when I had done nothing wrong, I always apologized first.
“I’ll do what you tell me to do, so please stop yelling at me.”
Whenever I dreamed this dream, everything used to repeat exactly as before.
But today was different.
For some reason, the thoughts in my heart came out of my mouth.
“What… what did you say?”
I was surprised myself, but the manager looked even more shocked. His face turned red with anger.
Seeing that made me feel slightly relieved.
If only I had been able to say something like this earlier.
“I said I’ll do what you want, so just leave me alone.”
It felt refreshing.
Saying what I had held in for years.
Maybe today’s dream was a gift—for the version of me who once performed desperately on stage even when the audience gave no response.
“What nonsense are you talking about?”
The manager grabbed the back of his neck in frustration.
“Ah!”
He groaned in anger.
“Hyung, calm down.”
“Yeah, he’s clearly not in his right mind.”
“Maybe he had a drink to gather courage.”
The stylist and road manager quickly rushed over to calm him down.
Watching them made me click my tongue internally.
If this is a dream anyway, I should at least punch him once.
“Yoonseul.”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem different today.”
She was one of the few staff members who had always treated me kindly.
“I’m fine.”
She was the only person in this company I had good memories of.
I hope she managed to escape this place and find another job.
“Sit down. The live broadcast is about to start. You know what to do, right? Cry and apologize. Make people feel sorry for you.”
I said nothing.
Because I had no intention of doing what they wanted.
The manager grew angry again.
If he keeps getting angry like that, he’ll age quickly. His skin is already ruined.
For someone still young, his rough skin definitely came from anger.
“Hey! Are you making fun of me now? I’m talking to you and you’re ignoring me?”
“Yes.”
My simple answer made him raise his hand.
Before, that would have terrified me.
Now it didn’t.
In fact, it looked ridiculous.
“What, are you going to hit me? This isn’t a fighting ring. Go ahead. I’ll go straight to the police.”
The moment I mentioned the police, his raised hand froze in the air.
“Don’t think I’m letting this go. The live broadcast is about to start.”
The manager turned away, breathing heavily.
“Yeah, yeah.”
He should’ve just hit me.
If he hit me, maybe I’d wake up from this awful dream.
“Starting the live broadcast.”
The livestream began.
[An apology broadcast? What did you do this time?]
[LOL he’s wearing a suit. Definitely caused trouble.]
[So what scandal did you cause? Let’s hear it.]
The chat filled instantly with mocking comments.
What did I do wrong that I have to apologize?
That single apology destroyed my life.
Everything I had lived honestly until now had been denied.
“I’m not sitting here to apologize.”
Even if this was just a dream, saying what I wanted felt like something heavy was lifting from my chest.
“What are you doing right now?”
The manager forgot that the livestream was running and shouted angrily.
That doesn’t scare me anymore.
“What did I do wrong?”
[What is happening?]
[Is he fighting with the company?]
[I thought this was an apology broadcast.]
The chat quickly filled with question marks.
People were confused.
Isn’t it strange that everyone assumes I committed a crime in the first place? After seeing everything that happened to the others, why would I do something like that?
“Everyone. I can’t apologize. No— I won’t. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
There was no stopping it now.
“Why should I apologize for something the other members did? It wasn’t my fault.”
