Chapter 85………………………
Rublion and Cindy did not meet, and after watching them for a while we grew tired and returned once more to the forest.
“Haah… let’s think this through from the beginning. What should we do?”
Saying that, I sprawled on the soft grass as though exhausted. Looking up through the branches, I saw leaves clustered thickly together, and the dazzling rays of sunlight pierced through the gaps to brush lightly against my face.
‘Ah.’
The light was so bright that I squinted, and then Risma sat down beside me, casting a shadow.
As he tilted his head slightly, his willow-like hair spilled forward, tickling my cheek.
“You humans never just sit still and gaze at such beautiful sunlight.”
As a spirit of the forest, he was clearly not comparing humans with animals.
For here in this forest, not the trees, not the flowers, not even the tiniest blades of grass turned away from the sun. And yet, creatures who had the gift of sight could not look directly into that light.
“Must you always capture what you long for with your eyes?”
I stretched out my arm and gently caught hold of his green hair.
Though I had thought it resembled willow leaves, in truth his hair was as fine as spider silk.
When I closed my eyes, the crisp rustling of leaves brushing against one another filled my ears.
“Do you long for that sun?”
“Yes. But if I look at it directly, my vision blurs, so I avoid it, that’s all.”
“A strange species.”
And yet here was a spirit, shading me with his hands for the sake of that very strange species.
Perhaps Risma, even as he spoke of hating humans, was actually protecting himself from them with those same words.
He’s too kind for his own good.
“I’ve been thinking it over.”
“…Yeah.”
“I’m a hypocrite.”
In the middle of the forest, I could not help but admit what he had told me earlier.
I never imagined that admitting and exposing my own small, petty heart would be so difficult and uncomfortable.
“If you suddenly say that, you make me sound like some cruel spirit.”
Risma answered dully, not at all pleased.
Even with my eyes closed, I felt his face pulling away from me, for his hair slipped from my grasp.
“I’m not trying to paint you as cruel. It’s just… I wanted to live freely.”
To ease the emptiness in my heart, I opened my hand wide again and tried to clutch the sunlight that touched me.
I gripped so hard my nails pressed into my skin, but I knew there was no sunlight inside my hand.
“Freedom?”
“Yes. Freedom. I’m still too young now, but when I become an adult, I want to break free of this yoke.”
What I missed most in that dark, damp underground prison was not wealth or comfort—it was only this single handful of warm sunlight.
I wanted to go outside.
I wanted to live unbound, with no constraints, no thoughts weighing me down, doing only what I wished.
Ever since I possessed the body of Elufe Inferna, that has been my one desire: a free life.
“How is that hypocrisy? That’s only natural.”
His hair brushed against my cheek again. I caught it softly once more, and its touch brought me nothing but comfort.
“I want to leave everyone behind and live freely. But at the same time, I don’t want to disappoint those around me. Even though I can’t possibly take responsibility for their lives, I still want to be a part of them.”
Once, the characters inside a game had comforted me every day when I was lonely and weary.
At first, I found it miraculous that they seemed to live and breathe here. But now, I simply want them all to live happily. And so, I want to prevent the misfortunes awaiting them.
“Do you really need to abandon everyone to be free?”
The only freedom I knew was abandonment.
Before I ended up in this world, I had lived buried in games.
The ever-growing expectations of my parents weighed on me, and whenever I realized how lacking I was, I came to hate myself.
I was afraid that one day, I would never amount to anything worthy of recognition in the world.
In that anxiety, I endured because I didn’t want to disappoint those who trusted and supported me.
But the truth was, I wanted to run away. That’s why I was obsessed with the game The Baby Princess Is Starved for Love!
In my life, that game was the only escape—the only logout.
“Isn’t that what freedom is?”
“From the moment you exist in this world, you are already free. Why long for it needlessly? It’s something plain and ordinary.”
As though to prove he was not human, Risma floated in the air and lay back, suspended.
He looked just like the younger me in my past life, sprawled on the living room sofa, wondering in boredom when my tedious school days would finally end.
The listless look in Risma’s eyes seemed like disappointment directed at someone as plain and insignificant as me, and I shrank back.
“You too said that once I die, our contract ends, and you’ll be free. Didn’t you long for freedom then?”
“I’m a spirit, bound by contract. That’s different. Unlike humans, spirits don’t form massive groups and cage themselves inside a nation. Contracts are rare among us.”
His words startled me, but soon, looking at him—so much like nature itself—my heart calmed.
To trees and birds, perhaps humans really do look like ants, a strange species that lives only in swarms.
So it seemed they appeared that way to Risma as well.
“Fences are made to protect what’s inside. It’s like how a well-made path through the woods is much easier than wandering into an untouched forest. A nation is necessary, even for the sake of freedom.”
I flicked the petals of a nameless flower at my hand as I answered.
“You said you’d escape the yoke, and yet you don’t intend to escape the nation humans built?”
In my previous life, I had lived like this nameless flower. No one cared who I was, nor where I was rooted.
I never felt particularly wronged or sorrowful—it was just the way of things.
“I’m not a spirit. I’ve lived like this, and I’ll go on living like this.”
“If you had the strength, would you abandon the mortal world?”
“…Maybe.”
Someone once told me that chasing impossible dreams was nothing more than delusion.
They said adulthood meant making realistic plans and carrying them out. But Risma was different. His voice pushed me, as though urging me to dream the impossible.
Was it just my imagination, or did my heart beat faster at that?
“So, what do you want to do now?”
“…Shall we watch Rublion?”
Startled, Risma dropped out of the air and landed flat on the grass.
Worried, I bent my knees to check on him, only for him to leap up like a grasshopper.
“Ha!”
“Why are you so surprised?”
Weren’t you the one suspicious of Rublion?
“Well, I assumed you’d naturally want to watch Cindy, the maid who’s your contractor. That’s what most humans would do—listen to a spirit with one ear and let it out the other, full of pride….”
His eyes shone with unexpected gratitude that I had actually heeded his opinion. His cheeks and eyes, reminiscent of soft pink cherry blossoms, seemed to say it all.
“It’s nothing.”
Was such a small thing worth such gratitude? Still, seeing him happy lifted my spirits, so I turned my head away and pretended not to notice.
Once I admitted that I had only been afraid, everything began to flow more smoothly.
It was another reminder that I should not hastily assume this world was no more than a game.
‘Much is different from what I knew. If Rublion really is the culprit this time, then so be it.’
I repeated that to myself again and again. This was a world where the rules I once knew no longer applied. Perhaps even the Rublion I remembered was never his true self.
So, using Risma’s abilities, we began to watch Rublion closely.
With plants nearby, Risma could transmit any sound, allowing me to spy inside the imperial palace without revealing my presence.
—Does Count Seran know the truth of this matter?
Rublion’s voice seemed directed at someone.
—No, sir. He is still unaware of it.
A frightened woman’s voice replied, followed by the crash of books tumbling to the floor.
—If the count doesn’t know, then you ought to! Tell me—who sent you to me?
Rublion barked angrily, pressing someone harshly.
The thud of books being stacked roughly, the cluttered noises in the room—all conveyed his agitation.
“From what I hear, it wasn’t Count Seran who sent the woman to Marquis Eastern. Hm. Then it wasn’t personal business after all?”
At my words, Risma gave no reply, only snorted. Startled, I turned my head to see him frowning in incomprehension.
“That man is really a priest?”
