~Chapter 85~
“Do you remember? When we were kids, sometimes you asked me to braid your hair.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“And then, as thanks, you tried to braid mine too. Thanks to you, I learned how to braid for the first time. I even tied up my short hair and walked around like that.”
I laughed as I imagined little Calix walking around with short hair forced into braids. Seeing me laugh, Calix also smiled. The laughter broke apart like breaths.
We laughed together for a long time, as if we were back in childhood. When the laughter faded, he said:
“Sorry. For making you worry.”
His eyes showed regret. He must have remembered me crying the night before. I shook my head, rubbing my face against the bed sheet.
“No.”
And I had something to apologize for too.
“I’m sorry too. For trying to leave without saying anything again. And I didn’t even tell you I was hurt.”
“Yes. You should be sorry for that.”
Calix scrunched his nose and gave a mischievous smile. I widened my eyes at him.
“But I wrote you a letter, at least.”
“You thought I’d really accept just one letter like that?”
Not exactly.
Calix tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingers brushing my earlobe slowly.
“…Sorry for making you uneasy.”
I didn’t like that he was apologizing. Hadn’t we already agreed to forgive each other?
“Don’t say sorry.”
Calix just smiled silently at my words. I remembered what he said yesterday.
“And I’ll do well so you won’t regret it.”
Calix shook his head.
“I told you, it doesn’t matter. Even if I regret it.”
“As long as I have you, that’s enough.”
I looked at him and gave a faint smile.
“It’s the same for me.”
There was something else I had to say. I called his name: “Calix.” He lifted his head.
I wanted what I said next to sound light, like a casual remark.
“I don’t care that you used me to make a deal with the emperor.”
Calix let out a low sound.
“…You should care, Rena.”
He replied weakly, but I kept talking.
“I don’t despise you for it.”
“That’s embarrassing to hear when I’m sober…”
Calix covered his face with one hand. I pulled his hand away and looked into his blue eyes—the eyes I loved so much. Even though he said he was embarrassed, his bare expression was more serious than ever.
Slowly, I spoke what was in my heart.
“When you went to the emperor secretly, I got angry because I thought something might go wrong and I’d never see you again.”
“….”
“I was worried. If you did something dangerous and left me behind…”
“Rena.”
“I was so scared. Without you, how could I live…”
The last words were almost like a childish complaint. Calix narrowed his eyes, as if upset.
“Without you…”
I wondered what would hit him hardest. Then I clenched my teeth and threw it out like a declaration of war.
“Without you, I’ll cheat.”
“…How did the story turn into that?”
“I don’t know. If you don’t want to see me cheat, don’t leave and stay beside me.”
Calix laughed in disbelief. But he didn’t seem unhappy. I memorized his smile. I wanted to remember this moment forever.
I rubbed my face against the bed sheet and muttered weakly, almost to myself.
“…Really, what would I do without you?”
“Then just live cheating.”
I smacked his arm.
“Ow.” But his tone showed it didn’t hurt at all.
Just the thought of losing him made my heart drop. It made me tear up just imagining it. Surely Calix felt the same.
Calix spoke quietly, with a solemnity like making a vow.
“Rena. Even without you, I won’t cheat.”
“…Then I’ll kill you.”
“Ah, that’s reassuring.”
He laughed. I laughed too, then frowned.
The five years without Calix had been boring, dull days, one after another. I thought I had lived well enough, but now—I couldn’t live without him.
It was all Calix’s fault. I had been fine, but he suddenly appeared, shook me, tamed me, and made me into someone who couldn’t live without him.
“…It’s your fault.”
I said sulkily. Calix smiled warmly.
I pouted.
“It’s all your fault.”
“…Sorry.”
“No, it’s not your fault.”
I quickly denied it. I was afraid he might really think it was his fault.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know.”
He answered to my repeated insistence. But did he really know?
“Do you really know?”
“Yes. I know.”
“What do you know?”
“That you like me.”
“….”
Sometimes Calix left me speechless.
Seeing my silent face, he laughed.
“I love you.”
“…I know that too.”
“Ah, I got caught.”
He said smoothly, without looking troubled at all.
We lay in bed for a while, chatting nonsense like this. It felt like we were on a trip. For this moment, we forgot the emperor, the dragon, even Prenia.
We even played simple hand games like rock-paper-scissors. I lost almost every time. It felt like Calix had foresight, guessing what I’d throw next, and in games that needed strategy, he always saw my move far ahead.
My repeated losses made him tease me with mean words, and he laughed every time I blushed.
When the high sun began to set and we were growing hungry, Calix was playing with my hair, wrapping it around his fingers. My hair shone in the light, and he kissed the tip.
He lowered his eyes, hesitated, then asked:
“…Were you very upset?”
Even without a subject, I understood. I nodded. I wanted him to know I worried for him just as much as he worried for me.
“…Sorry for upsetting you.”
“Stop apologizing.”
I scolded lightly. Calix sighed.
“You’re right. I should stop making things to apologize for.”
“You never once did anything that deserved apology.”
I answered firmly, but suddenly the words felt familiar. Hadn’t I said this before?
Apparently, he thought the same. Calix lowered his head to look at me.
Our eyes met.
“Even when I made you wait before?”
“….”
Ah. I remembered.
We’d had this conversation when we were thirteen. When Calix returned to Troxia, I lied to him, saying I hadn’t waited for him.
‘I came to apologize.’
‘Apologize?’
‘Yes. I came too late, so I thought you were angry.’
That’s what Calix said back then. And I replied coldly:
‘You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.’
‘And I didn’t wait for you, so there’s nothing to apologize for.’
I had lied.
Maybe because we had just been talking about childhood, the memory came back clearly.
Calix must have known I remembered too, or he wouldn’t have suddenly asked.
It was amazing that he could believe I’d remember something from so long ago.
“You remembered that?”
“I remember everything I shared with you.”
His answer shocked me. I bit my lip, at a loss for words.
Back then, I had taken out my own issues on him, lying that I hadn’t waited.
When in truth, I had waited.
Calix reached out and brushed my lips with his fingers, pulling them free.
“Don’t make that face.”
“…What face?”
“You look the same as back then.”
Do I? Without a mirror, I couldn’t tell.
Calix spoke.
“You made that face too, when you lied that you didn’t wait.”
I froze, caught off guard. Seeing my face, Calix grinned and tapped my nose.
“You shouldn’t lie to a friend.”
“…You knew it was a lie?”
Feeling a bit embarrassed, I touched my nose where he had tapped. Calix answered with a smile in his voice.
“I know now. Back then I didn’t.”
My hair fluttered in his hand.
Facing my past stubbornness felt awkward. I gave a weak laugh and confessed again what he already knew.
“Actually, I lied back then.”
“I know.”
“I did wait for you.”
“I know that too.”
Calix smiled, stroking my cheek. Looking at his face made me want to confess everything.
I rushed to meet his eyes and continued quickly.
“Actually, when I heard you were coming, I stood at the window all day from morning, waiting to see your carriage arrive.”
The words tumbled out faster than I meant.
“Really?”
His kind reply made me nod and confess more.
“Yes. And back then, while you were away, a big tree in the forest was struck by lightning and fell. I thought, when you came, I’d show you that first.”
