Chapter 62
As soon as their eyes met, thick tears dropped from the boy’s eyes. Alessia looked at Kaon as though she were witnessing something strange for the first time in her life.
‘Why is he crying?’
The eyes, which she always thought looked like a deer’s when he wasn’t frowning, kept welling up with tears, and the smooth corners of his mouth twisted miserably. His lips and the skin around his eyes trembled, and the tears wouldn’t stop falling.
‘Why is he crying like that?’
Alessia stared at the sorrowful Kaon in confusion.
It wasn’t the first time she’d seen someone cry. The young mages in Engelroth sometimes cried too.
They cried when they failed tests, when they were hurt by their parents’ lack of recognition, or by their own disappointment in themselves. They cried when experiments failed, or when they lost control of their magic and got injured.
But none of them ever cried for someone else. In Engelroth, tears were the mark of the weak. When someone cried, others would pretend not to notice, but inside, they looked down on them and laughed.
Alessia had always cried only for herself. Her tears were mostly born from despair and pain—she cried because she pitied herself and resented the world.
But Kaon didn’t seem to be crying for himself. And he had no reason to. Then who was he crying for? For her? That thought left Alessia feeling lost.
If that was true—why? Because he couldn’t protect her?
Kaon, as an elite knight, had the duty to protect mages. But Alessia wasn’t a particularly useful mage in combat. Because she wasn’t a true mage.
It would’ve been the better choice for him to slay one more monster rather than spend time protecting her—and that’s exactly what he did.
On the other hand, Alessia was too weak to fight monsters on her own, and she couldn’t cast some miraculous spell to save a knight in danger. So, she simply made the easiest choice. She threw herself at the monster.
It was her decision. Kaon Ferdinand had no reason to feel guilty. The fault lay with her—weak and useless. Just as everyone in Engelroth had always said.
“You—what’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”
Seemingly just now realizing the state he was in, Kaon covered his tear-streaked face with his large hand and stammered.
“Are you hiding something else from me? Like—you can just shrug off monsters with your body or something?”
Such nonsense. If she had that kind of power, she wouldn’t be lying here like this. Alessia didn’t bother to say it aloud. She knew he wasn’t asking because he didn’t know.
“If you don’t have powers like that, why would you throw yourself in there? Do you have multiple lives or something? You think you’ll come back if you die? You think everyone’s going to cry and thank you if you pull that kind of stunt? Who told you to risk your life like that—who asked you to do something so stupid…?”
Kaon, who had been lashing out in rising anger, suddenly bowed his head, still covering his face. It seemed he couldn’t control his emotions.
Alessia stared blankly at him. She didn’t understand why he was so angry. Her sharp perception and quick mind pointed her toward one possible reason, but she couldn’t quite accept it—it didn’t feel real.
She knew Kaon Ferdinand still had lingering feelings for her. But in the end, she was an outsider, and a knight of Ferdinand was one of his own.
When the time came, he would inevitably choose his own. That’s just how it was.
So Alessia chose to protect his own people. That way, maybe she could gain a bit more of their trust. It was far more useful to be owed a debt than to lean on fleeting emotions that could disappear at any moment.
“When I said your heart must be as cold as your body… why didn’t you say anything?”
His voice came out low and soaked in guilt. Alessia remembered that moment easily.
“Why are you always wearing those long dresses in the middle of summer? Just looking at you makes me feel hot. Should I call Debora to have something new made?”
“Maybe you should just stop looking.”
“…You’re probably cold-blooded. Your heart’s as cold as your skin. Do whatever you want.”
Just a typical conversation. Even on sweltering days, she stubbornly wore long-sleeved dresses, and everyone commented on it. Kaon hadn’t said anything worse than the rest.
“Why didn’t you say anything to that? Why didn’t you yell at me or slap me or something?!”
But Kaon looked like he desperately wanted to punch himself for saying that. Even though she hadn’t been upset at all.
How could she be? People who didn’t know any better had made an ignorant comment.
And she had no intention then—or now—of telling them the truth. Her scars were hideous, and she didn’t want to explain herself to anyone.
At least in Ferdinand, she wanted to be seen as the beloved daughter of a noble house. Not some weed of a girl who barely survived abuse.
“Why do you… why do you make people feel like the worst version of themselves?”
She had lived her life pretending to be that well-loved young lady. It hadn’t been planned, but after risking her life, it seemed she might now be treated as a benefactor.
So, hadn’t it all worked out in the end? Just as she thought that—
A choked voice, thick with suppressed emotion, brushed past her ear.
“Madeleine cried all day the day you collapsed. She kept sobbing, asking why someone smaller than her daughter was lying there so broken.”
Madeleine? Alessia paused. Knowing how warmhearted Madeleine was, it made sense. She had been cold at first, but quickly warmed up and treated Alessia kindly. Of course she must’ve been shocked to see her in that state.
Sometimes, Alessia imagined what it would’ve been like if Madeleine were her mother. She would’ve probably come in several times a day with snacks, worried she was too thin. She already did that often—she’d probably have done more if Alessia were her daughter.
If she had a mother like that… she didn’t know. Alessia tried to imagine it more, but no clear image came to mind.
“What about Lily, the one you always chat with? She never left this room once while I was out on patrol.”
Lily was cheerful and kind. She had helped Alessia grow close to the other maids. Lily always said she liked how gentle Alessia was, but that it made her sad how mature she seemed for her age.
She once said her younger sister was actually older than Alessia, but so childish in comparison that it shocked her.
So Lily had nursed her. Alessia slowly opened and closed her weak fingers.
“And the other maids? The head cook? The knights? You think none of them cared? That nobody worried about you while you were here in Ferdinand?”
Alessia wasn’t stupid. She understood that Kaon was trying to tell her everyone had been worried about her. Her head and her instincts had been telling her that for a while. But she just couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t believe it.
She had spent her entire life watching others—but never once had she considered that others might watch her with concern. There was no precedent. Not even her parents or family had ever done so.
“What do you think I felt?”
But when she looked into Kaon Ferdinand’s bloodshot eyes, swollen from crying, she could no longer deny it. The boy, prideful to the end, trying hard not to cry, was clearly telling the truth.
These people had truly, sincerely worried about her. About a girl who had done nothing but shape herself to fit in and survive.
“Don’t ever do that again. Value your life. And if you can’t do that—then at least think of the people who care about you.”
Ah… only then did Alessia finally realize what she had done. For the first time, she understood the most basic truth: that her getting hurt could actually hurt someone else.
That night, Madeleine and the other maids, including Lily, came to visit her. As soon as they saw her, they all burst into tears.
And in the middle of it all, for the first time in her life, Alessia cried aloud in front of others.
Alessia slept, took medicine, and slept again. It seemed her body had always needed that much rest, because it never stopped asking for more.
Lost in that haze of sleep and medication, Alessia eventually managed to raise her upper body. She had no idea how long she’d been lying there. Her limbs still ached and stung with every movement, but she felt strangely refreshed—clearly, she’d been resting well.
“Kaon.”
“You’re up? Hungry? Should I bring something?”
At the sound of her quiet voice, Kaon immediately rushed over, as if he’d been waiting. She asked one question, and he threw back three. Her head spun from the rush, and she instinctively raised a hand to her forehead. Startled, Kaon rushed to her side, but Alessia gave a faint shake of her head—it was just dizziness from being in bed too long.
“No. I’m not hungry yet. More importantly—what day is it? The patrol?”
“You slept three more days. And the monsters must’ve taken a hit too, because things have been quiet. So don’t worry about that. You’re still recovering—why are you even thinking about patrols?”
Though Kaon answered gruffly, he couldn’t hide the worry on his face.
He poured her a glass of water, closed the curtains before nightfall, and moved around busily like a personal attendant. Then, as if trying to lighten the mood, he brought up how things would be busy once she was better.
“I know. I’ll need to work twice as hard to make up for the days I missed.”
Alessia nodded without protest. She’d already been feeling uneasy, knowing she hadn’t fulfilled her duties as a mage at Ferdinand. She’d been planning to get back to work as soon as she was able.
“Don’t talk nonsense. Who said you have to work? Just rest. Don’t move.”
Kaon frowned as if he were genuinely annoyed. Alessia looked at him in confusion, wondering what he meant, and Kaon hesitated before explaining.
“The knights… they’ve got a lot they want to say to you. They’re going to be all over you, and that’s what I meant. It’ll be annoying.”
