Chapter 40
“Why?”
Ivan asked. His voice had dropped slightly, with a subtle hint of playfulness. He had clearly realized why Amelia was trying to hide her chest.
“Stop looking.”
Her slightly flushed cheeks and her sulky tone revealed her embarrassment. Ivan, arms leisurely crossed, stared even more intently at Ian’s head. It wasn’t like she could take the baby off her breast, so only Amelia was flustered.
“Ugh…”
As if sensing his mother’s discomfort, Ian detached from her breast. He had probably fallen asleep while feeding, as his eyes were closed. Amelia quickly adjusted her clothes and gently patted Ian’s back while holding him.
“……”
Meanwhile, Ivan’s gaze remained fixed on the mother and child, filled with a deep bond. It was the kind of connection Ivan had never once felt with Ian.
Of course, he didn’t necessarily feel hurt or uncomfortable about it. From the beginning, he had only seen Ian a handful of times. He’d barely even touched him once. If there had been warmth or affection between them, that would have been the strange part.
My child. He’s definitely my child, but even now, his very existence still feels unfamiliar…
That was the extent of Ivan’s sentiment toward Ian.
Burp.
Ian finally let out a small burp. Only then did Amelia lay him back on the bed.
“You seem used to this. Have you always nursed him yourself?”
She was rubbing Ian’s chubby belly to make sure the sudden change in temperature didn’t startle him when Ivan suddenly asked. He seemed surprised at how naturally Amelia handled the baby.
“If not me, then who?”
Amelia replied with a smile, as if raising her own child was the most obvious thing in the world. For Ivan, who had only ever seen children raised by wet nurses, it was a strange response.
“If I hadn’t hidden and raised him myself, this child would’ve died the moment he was born.”
“……”
“Ian survived because I kept him hidden from everyone. And the day the truth was discovered, you came to save us.”
Ivan’s eyes dimmed at her words. Perhaps he was shocked by the idea that if he had been just a little later, that small child might have been erased from the world without leaving a single trace behind.
“Have I ever told you about my sister?”
Amelia asked quietly. It was an impulsive decision, but she thought it was okay for him to know. Ivan shook his head silently.
“I was the first twin ever born in the line of priestesses. My sister was born after me and was frail from the start.”
“……”
“She died when we were three. There were two girls with black hair and black eyes, but only I lived because I was healthy.”
“The fewer people who know a secret, the better.” Aaron always said that. And Amelia had followed that advice to the letter.
“They’re the kind of people who would kill even a girl who met their exact requirements. What use would a useless baby boy be to them?”
Amelia murmured bitterly. Her gaze fell to the small life under her hand. Blissfully asleep, unaware that he had once been in danger—he looked adorable.
“I wanted to protect Ian no matter what, but every time I felt powerless, it was agony.”
Maybe the best option would’ve been to secretly send him away with a midwife. But that realization had come only after the midwife was already gone—blinded by love for her child. There was nowhere to hide him. She couldn’t hide his hair color or even his gender. All she could do was secretly raise him.
“Should I just die with him before our lives get toyed with?”
“……”
“That thought crossed my mind. But then I’d remember he’s the last thing you left behind in this world. And I just couldn’t do it.”
Amelia’s murmuring voice still carried the echoes of pain. It was the kind of emotion Ivan could never understand, not now, not ever.
“How could I?”
“……”
“How could I kill your child too, when it was my fault you died?”
It was all a misunderstanding caused by Ivan himself. He was alive—very much alive. Standing right in front of her now. But even knowing that, she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“Amelia.”
It was when she shut her eyes tightly, overwhelmed by the old pain, that Ivan gently called her name and reached out. His long fingers brushed her cheek, wiping away her tears.
“It’s all in the past. We’re all alive, aren’t we?”
Ivan was alive. Ian was alive. The pain Amelia went through was real—but now it could become nothing more than a memory.
“Nothing like that will happen to Ian again, right?”
Amelia asked, clasping the hand Ivan had placed on her cheek. He didn’t answer immediately. A promise from the Emperor was a vow. One he couldn’t make lightly. Instead, he silently looked into her tear-filled eyes.
Like polished pebbles in shallow lake water, her irises shimmered, filled with a jumble of emotions. Fear, hope, despair, longing—everything was there.
“What did the High Priest say?”
At Ivan’s question, Amelia let go of Ian and grasped his hand tightly instead.
“Did he say he’d kill the child?”
“If I don’t do what they ask.”
Ivan’s guess had been half right. If she didn’t carry out their order, Aaron would use Ian’s life to threaten her.
“They told me to seduce you and spend the night with you. In a way so obvious that no one could deny it happened.”
And so she had clung to Ivan. It felt like her only chance at freedom and peace. That’s what she believed.
“But if I do what they ask, they plan to start a holy war. And if I don’t, they’ll hurt Ian.”
“……”
“Ivan, when will you accept Ian as your son?”
That’s why she had no choice but to plead. If only Ivan would accept Ian as his son, everything might go smoothly.
“If something really happens…”
Ivan’s gaze moved from Amelia to Ian, lying beyond her shoulder.
“Amelia. Don’t worry about Ian’s safety. He’s in my home now.”
His gentle voice grounded Amelia’s trembling heart. Like a trusting creature rubbing against its master’s hand, she leaned her cheek into Ivan’s palm, letting go of all caution.
“But Ian… that’s not something I can decide on my own.”
No one could easily speak rejection while holding someone’s tear-streaked face. But Ivan was the kind of man who could.
“For that to happen, it must be revealed that Ian is my blood. And you’d have to be someone who can marry me openly.”
“……”
“But right now, that’s not possible.”
Ivan was right. Nothing had been revealed yet, and Amelia was still a priestess. She couldn’t even marry an ordinary man, let alone become an empress. If people found out they had a child together, they’d both face ruin.
“I’m sorry. If I promised now, it would only be a lie.”
Ivan gently lifted Amelia’s chin. As his lips met hers in a soft kiss, Amelia raised her arms and wrapped them around his neck.
“…Okay.”
She finally replied in a quiet whisper.
“Get some sleep. I’ll stay for a bit.”
“You’re not going to sleep?”
“I have to go back soon. I can’t let word spread that we were together, just like they planned.”
Ivan gave her one last kiss and gently laid her on the bed. He pulled the blanket up to her shoulders but remained sitting on the edge.
“Ivan.”
Amelia called him. Ivan, who had been staring at the bowl of dried porridge on the table, turned his gaze back to her.
“Can’t you just lie next to me for a little while? Even if you have to leave later. Please?”
Though she was a parent now, she acted like a child begging for a parent’s warmth. Ivan smiled briefly, then gave in and lay down behind her, wrapping his arms around her.
Only after feeling the familiar warmth did Amelia begin to feel at peace. She fumbled along his firm arm wrapped around her waist and slipped her hand under it. Then she lifted Ivan’s hand.
Ivan didn’t say anything. He simply watched, curious about what she was doing.
“……”
Amelia guided Ivan’s hand to Ian’s small chest. Ivan looked down at his hand, spread wide over Ian’s tiny body.
“You’ve never really comforted him before, have you?”
It wasn’t a wrong guess. Ivan didn’t deny it. Like Amelia earlier, he began patting Ian’s chest—awkwardly, carefully.
It’s just unfamiliar. That’s all. He’s just not used to it yet.
Watching him, Amelia smiled softly.
“Ivan.”
“……”
“You’re just not ready yet, right? I just have to wait, don’t I?”
Without a word, Ivan placed a kiss on Amelia’s temple. She chose to believe that was his answer.
