Chapter 12
After that, my daily life passed by without anything particularly noteworthy.
I carefully folded the handkerchief embroidered with the Ferdian Grand Ducal crest, dried soft under the sunlight.
As I reminded myself that the day a few days ago had been my last encounter with him, I held the handkerchief as if it were the most precious thing I had.
“If there is a next time, please return it then.”
When his voice vividly resurfaced in my mind, I slowly closed my eyes.
Don’t waver.
I am not allowed to want any more than this.
Using his words as an excuse to keep myself from approaching him, I picked up my pen.
This wasn’t the first letter I had written to him.
After he left, I had written dozens of letters that would never reach him.
But this letter would be different.
This one would reach him.
The thought made me foolishly crumple and rewrite the letter again and again.
At first, I didn’t like the handwriting that he would see.
Then, I didn’t like the contents.
Then, I realized I had put too much emotion into it.
Then again—I had written it perfectly, only to write the wrong name at the end.
I was not Shallen Ferdian, but Shallen Melissa.
Once more, the pen touched a fresh sheet of paper.
I took a deep breath and held it, afraid even my breathing might cause my handwriting to waver as I carefully wrote the letter.
I folded the letter—written with great effort to keep emotion out of it—and placed it inside the envelope.
Along with it, I enclosed the handkerchief that carried both his warmth and mine.
“All that’s left is to send it…”
Then it will really be over.
That thought made my hand hesitate.
Knock, knock.
“Saintess! They say the meal is ready!”
“Alright.”
Letting out a long breath, I picked up the letter and stood.
When I opened the door, Amy was waiting.
“Amy.”
“Yes?”
“I have a favor to ask. Will you do it for me?”
“Yes! Anything!”
She nodded vigorously.
I handed her the envelope.
The moment Amy saw the recipient’s name, she covered her mouth.
“Amy?”
At my call, she lowered her hand and glanced around, acting as if she had been entrusted with a secret mission.
Her behavior made me laugh quietly.
“Can you mail the letter for me?”
It was nothing more than asking her to send a letter, yet her burning eyes seemed to misunderstand my intent.
“Saintess, leave it to me! I’ll sneak out and take care of it!”
“You don’t need to go personally. I’m just returning the handkerchief I borrowed from him.”
“Gasp!”
For a moment, I considered stopping her—but seeing her grin so brightly, I simply smiled back.
“Then I’ll leave it to you.”
“U-um… Is there anything else you’d like me to tell him?!”
At her question, I fell silent for a moment.
Something I wanted to tell Kardin?
What I truly wanted to say… was something I should never say.
“There’s nothing.”
* * *
As usual, today was another meal with the former Saintess, Aria.
On the evening of the day I returned from the banquet, she had asked me this:
“There is worry on your face.”
“The Helen Kingdom is a place with many things I need to sort out.”
“Your heart, perhaps? Whenever you think of that place, you always look wistful.”
I had only smiled and ended the conversation without answering.
Aria didn’t press further.
Today, she had arrived first and was waiting for me.
“I’m late—my apologies. I had something to ask Amy to do.”
“Not at all. Please, sit.”
The table wasn’t filled with extravagant dishes, but compared to the meals during my confinement in the past, it was luxurious.
I slowly pulled out the chair and sat across from her, gazing at the modest spread.
“Everything looks delicious today.”
She spoke my thoughts aloud.
I smiled and nodded.
“It does. We should eat before it gets cold.”
“Yes.”
Aria was one of the few people who always kept a proper distance from me.
She never pried, never tried to learn more than I wished to show.
The moment I showed discomfort, she would stop.
Sometimes, when I looked at her, a soft, tender feeling would rise within me.
But it never stopped there.
Seeing her reminded me of everything—from her gentle smile as she blessed others to the moment our eyes met when I became the new Saintess while she was trapped in hell.
“Aria.”
“Yes?”
I closed my eyes briefly, then looked straight at her.
“How have you been lately?”
I was asking how she felt now—after escaping that hell.
She smiled gently.
“I’m grateful. And you, Saintess?”
I tilted my head.
What did she mean?
Before I could ask, she continued, as if recalling something.
“The way you looked at me before you became a saintess… and the way you look at me now—they’re different.”
“……”
“When you first saw me, you looked up at me with admiration and envy. Your gaze now is different.”
“…Then how do I look at you now?”
Perhaps she was trying to read my intent.
“I can’t forget the way you looked at me during the inauguration ceremony—when I stood below and you stood above.”
I waited silently.
She continued, as if she had read my eyes.
“It was as if you were saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ after realizing that I could no longer endure it.”
Clang.
The fork slipped from my hand and hit the floor.
“I suppose I read you correctly. And just as I read your eyes, didn’t you read mine as well?”
“Read… what?”
She finished my sentence for me.
“I wanted to ask for help. I thought… perhaps you would be different from me.”
I had assumed her intentions on my own.
Thankfully, she confirmed I had been right.
Aria smiled brightly—though there was bitterness in it.
“I was a saintess too, after all. I suppose I could tell.”
I stared at her without even glancing at the servant replacing my cutlery.
All my worries—that she might have wanted to die on her own back then—were cut away cleanly, like a tangled knot severed by scissors.
And yet, I couldn’t answer her earlier question about how I was doing.
“Saintess.”
“…Yes, Aria.”
“May I ask you something this time?”
I closed my lips and nodded slowly.
She spoke carefully.
“There are rumors in the temple. Since a certain day, the Temple Head and several high-ranking officials have suddenly fallen ill and cannot leave their rooms. Are you aware of this?”
“Yes. I am.”
“And yet, you haven’t gone to see them.”
“I am Shallen Melissa—the daughter of the unmerciful god Gloria. That is why I have not.”
A saintess is meant to bestow blessings.
By that logic, I was failing my duty.
But there was no reason to go.
The cause of their suffering lay with me.
They were not physically ill.
I had merely made them experience death several times in their dreams.
At my inauguration, I had clearly warned them.
“Saintess Shallen Melissa. According to Gloria’s will, I vow to grant blessings to those deserving of mercy—and harsh punishment to those who are not. I will not distribute my divine power equally to all. May you all be those who deserve God’s mercy.”
Blessings to those worthy of mercy.
Punishment to those who are not.
“Do you believe this temple is a place filled with people worthy of blessing, Aria?”
Aria thought for a moment, then smiled faintly.
“I cannot honestly say that it is.”
It was a conversation no one would believe was between a former saintess and the current one.
A conversation that no one must ever hear.
And with that, our conversation came to an end.
