MLHRGD 63

#63. Growth (6)

But when Pavel got close enough to almost touch Sasha’s breath, he barely stopped himself.

‘…No.’

Clenching his teeth, Pavel quietly looked at Sasha’s peaceful face and held back his impulse. His nails dug into the palm of his clenched fist.

Taking a deep breath, the calm Pavel grabbed Sasha’s hair and buried his nose in it. It smelled sweet.

Instead of kissing smooth skin, Pavel kissed the soft hair and stared at the defenseless sleeping Sasha for a long time.

A long time passed.

Only when the dim dawn light flowed into the bedroom could Pavel finally sort through the flood of emotions in his head.

And Pavel finally admitted it.

The foolish things he had done so far were caused by feelings he didn’t realize.

And he understood that avoiding Sasha was not the solution.

‘If I panic and avoid her, Sasha and Andrei could grow closer like this…’

From now on, instead of foolishly avoiding Sasha, he should act the opposite way.

Though Pavel was her husband, Sasha didn’t see him as a man.

To Sasha, Pavel was a child, someone to be cared for.

No matter how much Pavel approached or touched her, Sasha did not feel the same thrill.

Pavel painfully knew this.

From her expressions.

From the things she often said.

From how casually she treated him.

The clearest sign was in Sasha’s heart.

[Raising children is the hardest thing…]

Sasha thought this unconsciously because Pavel was not someone who attracted her as a man.

Unlike Andrei.

The reason Pavel envied and was jealous of Andrei was this.

Not only age, but appearance and behavior too. Andrei Medvedev was a grown man.

No one could deny it.

Unlike Pavel who was still growing, Andrei was already a full adult.

Even when Pavel was younger and unaware of his feelings for Sasha, he vaguely envied that fact. Now it hurt deeply.

Pavel was much younger than Sasha.

As he grew older, Sasha would grow too.

It felt like they were on parallel lines that would never meet.

He felt helpless.

But he couldn’t give up.

Pavel decided to do his best to seduce Sasha.

His mindset changed, so did his actions.

But deciding didn’t mean a naive boy could act like an experienced man.

“Sasha.”

He approached Sasha reading on the sofa and put a hand on her shoulder.

Surprised, Sasha looked back.

She looked shocked at his sudden close touch.

It seemed strange that Pavel, who always avoided her, was now so close.

Pavel tried to look calm and said,

“What are you doing?”

“Me? I’m reading a book.”

Sasha quickly recovered and answered carefully.

She raised the book a little to show Pavel.

Of course, Pavel knew what she was reading.

After deciding firmly and entering the room, he had stared at Sasha who was so focused on the book it was scary.

‘Stay calm.’

Pavel scolded himself silently and remembered Nikolai’s advice.

“The important thing is to be natural. The lady must make the young master aware of her, not the other way around. If the young master shows he is aware of the lady, it looks awkward and makes her uncomfortable.”

Being too conscious and acting overly is off-putting.

Pavel just did that awkward thing. He knew it without being told.

But there was still a chance to fix it.

“What book are you reading? Is it interesting?”

Pavel suddenly leaned close to Sasha’s face. His hair brushed her cheek.

Sasha looked puzzled but obediently closed the book and showed the cover.

“It’s called The Definition of Law by Peshikov. I didn’t like the translation, so I got the original.”

“Is it interesting?”

“Yes. It has many interesting parts.”

Pavel didn’t really care if the book was interesting.

But…

“Having common interests is good. It creates closeness and more chances to talk.”

Recalling Nikolai’s tips, Pavel said quietly,

“If it’s good, I might read it too.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Then you read it first. When you finish—”

“No.”

Pavel quickly crossed the sofa and sat beside Sasha.

Usually, he kept about a fist’s distance, but this time he pressed close.

Breath close enough to feel, Pavel said,

“Let’s read together.”

“Together?”

“Yes.”

“Like this?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it uncomfortable?”

Pavel looked at Sasha’s reluctant face and asked,

“Uncomfortable?”

“No, not really…”

“Then since neither of us is uncomfortable, we can read together.”

“Okay.”

Sasha agreed, moving her hand holding the book slightly.

“Shall we start from the beginning?”

“No. From where you left off.”

“Okay…”

Sasha replied lukewarmly.

‘It will be hard without reading the start.’

But she swallowed the thought so it wouldn’t sound like nagging and reopened the book.

The pages were full of foreign words, not the empire’s language.

Pavel had learned some but was not fluent like a native.

Sasha knew Pavel’s skill and read fast but didn’t turn pages until Pavel finished.

But…

‘Why is he looking at me, not the book?’

Pavel stared at Sasha’s face longer than the book.

His gaze was so obvious it made Sasha confused.

‘Weird.’

She bit her lips.

‘Really weird.’

Her husband was a little—no, very—strange.

‘Is he sick?’

She wondered.

Anyone seeing Pavel’s recent behavior would think the same.

Yesterday was no different.

Before sleeping, Sasha came out of the bath to dry her hair.

Pavel suddenly entered the room.

When asked why, he just shrugged.

He quietly watched Nina carefully brushing her hair and said,

“I’ll do it.”

Then he took the comb from Nina and silently brushed Sasha’s hair.

His touch was gentle; it didn’t tangle hair or hurt her scalp.

It felt nice.

But…

‘Strange.’

Why do something he never did?

Sasha’s curiosity grew so much she decided to ask Pavel directly.

“Pavel, why are you like this lately?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…”

Careful not to hurt him, Sasha chose her words.

‘I guess he still sees me as a child.’

Pavel thought grumpily and asked bluntly,

“What do you think I’m like?”

“Hmm…”

Sasha asked carefully,

“Trying to be close to me again?”

“…”

When Pavel didn’t answer, Sasha explained,

“You’ve been avoiding me, so it was awkward. I think you want to be like before.”

“You knew? I was avoiding you?”

“Of course. How could I not know?”

“Didn’t it hurt your feelings?”

“What? That I avoided you openly?”

“…”

Pavel nodded awkwardly, and Sasha smiled softly.

“It didn’t hurt.”

Hearing Sasha wasn’t upset made Pavel feel heavier.

“Okay…”

If Sasha wasn’t upset, he should be glad.

But Pavel felt complicated.

He felt like he couldn’t affect her, like she had no feelings for him.

After the short talk, they focused on reading.

Actually, only Sasha read; Pavel just stared at her.

When Sasha urged him to sleep because it was late, Pavel left her room pushed gently.

‘Nothing changed today either.’

He tried for weeks but got no results.

Sasha’s attitude was like an iron wall, and Pavel grew anxious.

“Don’t rush progress. Everything has order. Especially love. Take steps slowly. Don’t scare the other person.”

Of course, this only applied if neither had experience.

He ignored the rest about skilled people like Nikolai.

The important part was not to be impatient when approaching Sasha.

Pavel tried to follow Nikolai’s advice.

But he felt he would never improve like this.

Late at night, sitting close enough to feel breath mingling, Sasha was still relaxed.

No tension, just comfort.

That was their current relationship.

How could Sasha see him as a man?

After reading quietly, Pavel returned to his room, worried.

But no ideas came. He felt frustrated.

‘Should I ask Nikolai again?’

But thinking of Nikolai laughing made Pavel frown.

“Ha.”

He sighed at his helplessness.

He decided to try harder alone, and if nothing changed, he’d accept humiliation.

Luckily, Pavel didn’t need to ask Nikolai for humiliating love advice again.

A great chance came to him soon.