Chapter 66
“Rohen.”
“Being used… it’s fine. You can just use us however you want… You can send us to a good family, or squeeze out a lot of money. That’s all fine… Everything is fine… Just don’t throw us away.”
I tightly hugged Rohen in my arms.
“Ah…”
“I’ll never throw you away. I wasn’t trying to leave this place—I was trying to stay here. I’m sorry… I didn’t know you were thinking that.”
I promised to make you happy—so why did I give you such anxious feelings? Acting like I could do anything, why did I… end up hurting you this much?
“Can I… believe those words?”
“Yes.”
“Really? Can I really believe you? That you won’t leave us. That you won’t throw us away…”
“Yes.”
I don’t know if my feelings can be conveyed with such short answers, but I still want to convey them. My sincere feelings for you. My desire to stay with you.
“You know.”
“Yes, Rohen.”
“I thought about going back.”
At Rohen’s sudden words, I only blinked. Going back?
“You mean… to the orphanage?”
“Yes. Back there, we were… happy, weren’t we?”
“But… but…”
“You… didn’t you feel that way, noona?”
Looking at Rohen, who was drooping like a soaked puppy, I shook my head.
“No. Of course not. We were happy there. We really were.”
“Yes. That’s why I wanted to go back. I was really happy. We only looked at each other. Like we were the only ones in the world. But here, noona keeps looking elsewhere. You look at other people, talk to other people. I get so jealous and angry, but I can’t stop you. I feel like I shouldn’t.”
“Rohen. But… back there, you and Rari were sick…”
“It’s fine even if we were sick. We had you all to ourselves. Those pretty eyes only had us in them.”
I never imagined it was that serious. To think they wanted to go back to being abused just to be with me.
It felt like my chest was being torn apart. I vowed not to hurt them, vowed that nothing like the past would happen again, but I guess I was hurting them again.
“Rohen…”
“It’s fine. Now you’ll be with us, right? You won’t throw us away. You won’t leave.”
“Yes.”
“So… Rari and I are fine. But… I miss it. Rari wasn’t just sleeping like this back then. Even when I complained, noona always only looked at me.”
Hearing him call me “noona” felt even sadder. Rohen, who always spoke casually before, had been thinking about all this.
“From now on… if the Grand Duke gives you something to do, I’ll do it all.”
“Huh?”
“So… just stay by our side.”
“This is because of what I said to His Highness the Grand Duke… right? No. I really wasn’t trying to leave.”
“Yes… then that’s fine.”
Rohen smiled. Rohen, who rarely smiled since coming here, finally forced a smile. It was such a sad face. I wished he would just explode in anger instead. Keep getting angry.
As if afraid that I might hate them if he got angry, Rohen’s anger quickly faded.
“Rohen. I’m sorry for making you anxious.”
“It’s fine. You seemed really busy.”
“I had a lot to think about, and a lot to prepare.”
What’s the point of a good future if I lose their hearts? Even if I create a better future than the past, if their hearts wither in the end…
‘I feel like the future I saw is coming closer.’
Just like the substitute saintess said, it feels like things go wrong whenever they start going well. Everything I did for the twins ended up hurting Rohen and Rari.
‘I’m disqualified, aren’t I?’
I smiled awkwardly at Rohen.
“Actually… I have something to confess, Rohen.”
“Huh?”
“I was afraid of being hated, so I couldn’t say it. But… I think I have to.”
“What is it?”
Rohen’s chubby cheeks shook side to side.
“I think the reason Rari is sick is because of poison. But I don’t know what kind of poison it is. I wore the same things as Rari, used the same things, ate the same things, but I still don’t know. It seems like a complex mixture of several things.”
“Oh. So you’ve been looking into that?”
“Yes.”
I showed Rohen the books I brought.
History books of the Empire for the twins, books about letters and etiquette, and thin books about plants hidden among them.
“I might not find much just by reading, but I want to look into anything that could help, even a little.”
“Ah…”
“And one more thing… I’m doing something cowardly. That’s why… I couldn’t say it.”
“Cowardly?”
“Yes… the substitute saintess. Remember her?”
“Yes. She was a really weird lady.”
“She said she could heal Rari. That he could wake up right away.”
Rohen’s face brightened more than ever.
“Really? Really? Then Rari can open his eyes again like before? We can play together again?”
“Uh… but I told her not to.”
“…Huh?”
Rohen tilted his head, as if he thought he misheard.
“What… are you saying? I heard wrong, right?”
“No, you heard correctly. I… told her not to. She said she could heal him right away, but I told her not to.”
“Why.”
Rohen’s short, blunt voice was colder than anything I had ever heard. It felt like my heart was being crushed.
“Well…”
Should I say it? Would Rohen hate me? But if I said nothing, it would turn out like the substitute saintess said. That it’s hard to change the future.
Knowing the novel’s story doesn’t make changing the future easy.
“Why. You could just heal him right away. Why. Why are you leaving Rari like that?”
“I need to know the cause.”
“The cause?”
“Yes. I’m really sorry to Rari, and to you too, Rohen, but if we just let this pass, I think it will happen again. So I want to find the person who did this and the evidence, so they can never do it again.”
“Isn’t it obvious who did it?”
“Even if we know, what changes? If we go to His Highness the Grand Duke and say, ‘Our Rari was poisoned,’ will anyone believe us? The physicians already said it’s just part of growth. Who would believe a child’s words?”
I had already experienced rejection once. It wasn’t shocking, but it made me realize how little adults listen to us.
“So you’re leaving Rari like that… for such reasons?”
“Yes.”
“Just because… something might happen again… just because you want to stop it… for such reasons?”
“Rohen. It’s not just ‘such reasons.’”
“You’re leaving Rari like that… for something that might not even happen again?”
Rohen looked back and forth between Rari and me.
Should I not have told him? But I couldn’t lie anymore. But was I doing the right thing now? Was I hurting them even more than in the past?
“Yes…”
“Rari… really liked you. More than me, his older brother, he liked you, his noona. But… but you… knowing there’s a way to heal him… you’re doing this?”
“I like him too. That’s why I’m doing this.”
I know he can’t understand. Honestly, this might never happen again. There’s no guarantee this poisoning will repeat.
I just want to drag down the Grand Duchess. Just to remove the danger. That’s all—but of course Rohen can’t understand.
“First, you should wake him up. Then you can do whatever you want. Why aren’t you doing that? Why are you stopping it? She said she’d do everything!”
“Because… if I get that much help, I’ll have to leave this place.”
And I’ll have to leave you behind, after only bringing danger, after leaving the Grand Duchess untouched.
And I might not be able to protect you anymore.
I couldn’t say that. I had decided to tell everything, but after seeing Rohen’s reaction, I couldn’t speak anymore. His reactions were natural.
I’m the bad one for staying silent when there’s a way to heal Rari. Maybe I’ve become an emotionless monster.
“I will never do that. I’ll find the person who did this. I’ll make sure it never happens again.”
“……”
“I’m not asking you to support me. Just… just don’t tell anyone.”
“So that’s why you didn’t tell me until now. So that’s why…”
Rohen laughed emptily and lowered his head.
“I’m sorry…”
“……”
“But my feelings haven’t changed.”
Even if you hate me, even if Rari hates me. This is one of the few things the current young, powerless me can do.
“Aisha.”
“Yes.”
“Do you… love us?”
