Chapter 44
It seemed to be something she had never expected to hear; her lips only moved soundlessly. Watching the Grand Duchess like that, I didn’t stop speaking.
“I’m not curious about the person who abandoned me. If she had truly loved me, or if she’d left me at the orphanage because of unavoidable circumstances, she would have come looking for me. By any means, she would have tried to create some kind of connection with me. But a mother who never comes looking for her child? I have no interest in her.”
I said it without the slightest hesitation. Abandoning a child is a terrible thing, but I also think people always have their circumstances, so to some extent, I can understand it.
But not coming to look for your child even after years have passed—that’s something I can’t understand. No matter what the circumstances, you could at least write a letter.
‘If, by some chance, she were dead, or seriously ill, that might be different…’
If she had been on the brink of death and had no choice but to leave her child in front of an orphanage, I could understand that, at least a little. Even so, the reason I felt so negative was because of the Grand Duchess’s words.
According to her, the woman who is supposedly my mother is alive. And not just alive, but perfectly fine.
If I were to take the Grand Duchess’s hand in this situation, then—even if she were a Grand Duchess—she would ultimately have to bring that “mother of mine” to me.
But if that woman had health problems, or if she were dead, the Grand Duchess wouldn’t be able to act so confidently.
“B-but what if there really were unavoidable circumstances?” she asked.
“Even if there were, she would have contacted me at least once. Being alive and never contacting me even once means she doesn’t want to see me, and doesn’t want to find me.”
“She could be dead, couldn’t she?”
As expected, she was thinking the same thing I was. Her behavior, as though she were trying to draw out my interest somehow, was so desperate it almost made me feel sorry for her.
“If you’re saying you’d bring her to me, that means she’s alive. And if, as you said, my hair and eyes are unusual, then the woman who is my mother would have known that too. But knowing that and still not coming to find me—that’s obvious, isn’t it?”
A child born from a mistake, or a child she wished had never existed.
If I really had parents, Aisha—this body—would have seen them at least once. And unlike other parents, mine didn’t even leave a single letter before abandoning me.
“People who aren’t curious about me are not at all curious to me either.”
But the expression on the Grand Duchess’s face as she listened to me was highly suspicious.
“Well, if that’s how you feel, then so be it. But contrary to your words, your eyes seem to hold longing.”
Ridiculous, right?
Seeing her say that so confidently, I shrugged. In the end, it was just how she chose to interpret things. I wasn’t curious about family, nor about who gave birth to me, nor about why I was abandoned.
“Maybe.”
Besides, if the Grand Duchess had seen her, and if I continued to cling to the capital, then someday I’d inevitably run into her too.
A person I neither need to long for nor be curious about.
If we happened to meet someday, she’d just be someone I’d acknowledge as existing, nothing more. That’s why I showed no emotion at all.
“You may say that, but I know very well that you want to see your mother.”
“Think whatever you like.”
“In the end, you’ll take my hand. There is no child who doesn’t long for their mother. And everyone is curious about their origins. Eventually, you’ll look for her.”
Just by bringing this topic up, she smiled as though she’d already won.
Well, since she’d gone that far, I supposed I should play along to some extent. I smiled back at her.
“Yes. Fine. Now you finally look like a child.”
“Then, Grand Duchess.”
“Yes. Has your 마음 changed in the meantime?”
“No. I just have something I’m curious about.”
In an instant, her complexion stiffened.
“Something you’re curious about?”
“Yes. Grand Duchess, do you cherish the twins very much?”
“Of course. That’s not something a young child like you should be hearing.”
“Then I’m curious. Why don’t you try to show their mother to the children you cherish so much? You said children long for the mother who gave birth to them. But while you said you’d even find my mother for someone insignificant like me, why not for them…?”
I trailed off and looked at her.
What would she say?
The twins’ mother had been separated from them because of her. And she eventually lost her sanity. Much later, the twins would go looking for their mother—but by then, she had already gone mad from the shock of having her children taken away.
‘It’s understandable. They only looked for her after they’d already become adults.’
And even then, it’s the female lead who finds her for them. Because of that, the twins become even more attached to the female lead—she’s practically their benefactor.
If they’d found their mother just a little earlier, maybe she would have recognized them, and maybe she wouldn’t have gone quite as mad.
At the very least, it might have given some comfort to the Grand Duke, who longed to see his first love—the twins’ mother—until the moment he died. But it was already too late.
That’s how thoroughly the Grand Duchess had hidden her away.
“For the children, what? What are you trying to say?”
“I was just wondering why you don’t look for her for them! That’s all I was curious about.”
The twins’ mother was the Grand Duchess’s Achilles’ heel. Even though she had borne the Grand Duke’s child, she was always anxious.
She wanted to erase the twins’ existence altogether, and if they didn’t listen to her, she wouldn’t hesitate to mistreat them.
So it was strange.
‘Of course, the Grand Duchess’s son, Ron… compared to the twins, he inherited almost none of the Grand Duke’s power, and for a son of the Grand Duke, he was full of shortcomings. He wasn’t physically strong, nor was he particularly intelligent. People even wondered if he was really the Grand Duke’s son.’
Maybe because of that, the Grand Duchess hated the twins with a frightening intensity.
When she first came along with the Grand Duke, she wasn’t quite that bad—perhaps because she was still mindful of him.
‘At least at the beginning, she was better than she is now. She changed as time passed.’
“Grand Duchess?”
I urged her when she remained silent. She just fidgeted and forced an awkward smile.
“S-soon… I’ll look for her.”
“Right? You really do seem to cherish Lohen and Lari, Grand Duchess.”
“Of course. More than anything.”
“That’s a relief. I was worried you might hate them and treat them differently because they’re not your own children.”
“That won’t happen.”
It was then that the Grand Duchess’s face stiffened. Perhaps she felt that control of the conversation had been taken from her. She ground her teeth slightly, then once again put on a gentle expression.
“Then I’m glad.”
She watched me silently, as though she had something more to say but couldn’t bring herself to say it. For a long while.
I remained seated, and when about five minutes had passed, I suddenly stood up from my chair. She looked extremely startled by my abrupt movement.
“What are you doing?”
“Isn’t it because you have nothing more to say?”
“What?”
“You’ve been sitting so quietly.”
She was probably thinking about how she could use me for her own convenience.
But she’d already played all the cards she had, so it didn’t seem like she had any real way to keep me tied here.
“Ah.”
“Do you have something more you’d like to say?”
There was no answer. Of course there wasn’t.
She knew that neither threats nor persuasion worked on me. Perhaps she thought the topic of my mother might help, but even that wasn’t certain. So she forced a smile.
“Ah.”
“So, do you have something to tell me? Is there any proposal I mentioned that you’d like to accept?”
“Hypothetically.”
“Yes.”
“If—just hypothetically—I can’t keep my promise to the Grand Duke and it looks like I’ll be chased out…”
Only then did she nod, as though she’d found hope.
“Would you be able to make it so I’m not chased out, Grand Duchess?”
“O-of course.”
“A while ago, you acted like you were going to throw me out…”
“Of course I did. I can’t do it for free. The world isn’t that easy.”
“Then what do I have to do?”
“What I mentioned earlier.”
“Ah, selling out my friends?”
She gave an awkward smile, as though I’d hit the mark.
“Selling them out is such a harsh way to put it. I’m just asking you to tell their mother how the children are doing.”
“Wouldn’t the maids and attendants already be telling you everything?”
I tilted my head innocently.
“They tell me everything?”
“There are people watching them, so I was wondering if there was something you specifically wanted to hear from me.”
Seeing her face stiffen again, I beamed brightly.
“If I’m going to be on your side, Grand Duchess, I should know what I’m supposed to do, right?”
“Ahem… y-yes, that’s right. As I said before, all you need to do is report the children’s every move. Then I’ll protect you.”
I nodded very slowly, with neither agreement nor refusal in my heart.
‘Then nothing would change from the past.’
A voice that sounded like mine but not mine echoed in my head again. If I were hearing it with my ears, I might call it a hallucination—but it felt too much like my own thought.
‘Again… what is this? What is the past? What on earth…?’
But I didn’t want my expression to harden again, so I forcibly erased the thought from my mind and changed my expression.
“I’ll think about it!”
“Y-yes, think about it… Wait, you’re not saying you’ll do it?”
“No. I’m just saying I’ll hear you out. My promise to the Grand Duke comes first, after all. Then I’ll see you next time, Grand Duchess. Today was very informative.”
