Chapter 04
The fourth life I was given was different from the ones before.
I did not return to just before my wedding with Cardin but to before I became a saintess.
Tomorrow was the day Melissa Temple would announce the birth of a new saintess.
Even as careful hands dressed me, my lips trembled.
I couldn’t tell whether it was because I still couldn’t believe I had returned—or because it was finally starting to feel real.
Cardin must be alive and well.
The servants of the Ferdian estate must be fine too.
That place had been warm.
Everyone must have forgotten me again.
I had wished for this return more desperately than anything.
I had dreamed of it endlessly.
Even when I pressed my lips together, my tears wouldn’t stop—just like on the day you died.
I was always calm, always wearing a faint smile.
Yet whenever I thought of you, emotions I couldn’t control poured out of me.
This time especially, returning to a time before meeting him made me both happy and unbearably sad.
It should have been fortunate.
Now there was a choice—a future where you might not be with me.
Conflicting thoughts tore through my mind.
I shouldn’t see him.
But I want to see him, just once.
Perhaps I was too selfish to be a saintess at all.
Ah… maybe that’s why I was a Saintess suited to this hell.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing those selfish desires.
I wished they would wash them all away—so I’d never think of them again.
A voice interrupted my thoughts.
“Shallen! What will you do if you keep crying like this?”
A young, lovely girl smiled brightly as she wiped away my tears.
Amy looked happier than anyone—just like she used to.
“Are you really that happy, Shallen? You never showed it before, so I thought you didn’t want to become a saintess. But I guess I was wrong?”
I slowly nodded.
“Yes… I’m happy.”
Because Cardin was alive.
“Oh my! Shallen, you’re already speaking like a noble saintess!”
I placed my hand on her head, smiled faintly through my tears, and said,
“Let’s call it practice.”
At last, my emotions settled, and the tears that had fallen like a storm finally stopped.
After Amy left, I couldn’t even lie down.
I closed my eyes in the stillness that filled the room.
What emotion should I show now?
What could I do for you, having returned to the past?
The thoughts didn’t hold me for long.
I opened my eyes, stood up, and opened the door.
The quiet night air brushed past my nose.
Leaving the dark sky behind, I walked down the column-lined corridor.
I stopped before the prayer chamber—
a place only the Saintess and the Pope were allowed to enter, the space believed to be closest to God.
Without hesitation, I opened the door.
The creak echoed loudly in the silence.
The statue of God filled my vision.
Tap. Tap.
My footsteps echoed as I approached.
I knelt on the cloth laid before the statue.
My first words were brief.
“It’s been a long time.”
Looking up at the statue, one corner of my lips rose naturally.
“Gloria. Can you hear my voice? This time, please listen to me properly.”
My fragile voice gradually gained strength.
“This makes three times.
You turned back time for me.
Twice, you returned me to the same day, the same place.
So why this time… here?”
“If you don’t answer me, then from now on, I will continue to lie while invoking your name, Gloria.”
I spoke—and waited for an answer.
Or perhaps… this time, I hoped there would be none.
Because as Saintess Shallen Melissa, I did not want to repeat the same mistakes.
Because I did not want this temple to become a nation—and the cause of war.
To prevent that, things had to change.
I bit my lip tightly as memories resurfaced.
After the Helen Kingdom and the Melissa Holy Nation formed an alliance,
Melissa grew ambitious—and set its sights on the Nicholas Kingdom.
It was absurd.
A mere temple declaring war on a kingdom.
Melissa asked Helen for knightly support.
It was a foolish war.
When Helen refused to give a clear answer, Melissa turned elsewhere.
Not to the imperial family—
But to the Ferdian Ducal House.
To the man who protected the North.
To him.
“‘A letter from the Melissa Holy Nation,’ you said. What does it say?”
“‘They ask after your well-being.’”
“That’s all?”
“Yes. That’s all.”
He never told me they had asked for military support.
Because I was the former Saintess—his wife—
Cardin foolishly went to war.
I learned everything only later.
When his body was finally returned to me.
The emotions I had buried surged back up—too complex for words.
I missed his voice.
I hated that he never told me the truth.
The rage of losing him to a temple’s greed,
and the helplessness of reliving it over and over—
All of it crashed into my chest at once.
A tear fell.
I bit my lip until I tasted blood and steadied my breathing.
I had to bury these emotions—for now.
After kneeling for a long time, it was as if cold water had been poured over me.
The storm inside finally settled.
I waited again for God’s answer.
But no matter how long I waited, Gloria remained silent.
Feeling the morning sunlight even with my eyes closed, I stood up.
I bowed briefly to the statue.
“Gloria. I have heard your answer.”
Though God said nothing, the silence itself was an answer.
This time, God had listened.
Turning my back on the statue, I walked toward the door.
From the moment I left this room, I would bury these feelings—and speak to others instead.
Even if that emotion was anger, unfit for a Saintess.
Creeeak.
As the door opened, early morning air greeted me.
I walked the same corridor I had passed through last night.
A smile spread across my face.
From today on,
I would become the daughter of a merciless god.
