#29. Had No Choice But to Admit
“Your Majesty?”
From beneath the thick shrubbery, Franz scrambled to his feet.
We’ve already reached the Crown Prince’s garden…
Enchanted by the wolf’s impudent voice, he hadn’t realized how far they’d come.
Swallowing a bitter smile, he asked his younger half-brother.
“Have you been well?”
“Of course! Did you come to see me?”
A bright joy spread over Franz’s face. He flung the wooden stick he’d been holding as far as he could — obviously trying not to look like a child.
I didn’t come to see you. I came to find traces of Elizabeth.
He couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud.
There was a faint cherry-blossom scent on Franz’s clothes — so subtle you had to sharpen every sense to detect it. For Nikolai, who hadn’t smelled Elizabeth for so long, it was like a shaft of light.
God, it’s intoxicating.
An embarrassment that bordered on dismay washed over him. He’d thought he was used to stench, but his obsession with the scent had only grown. It was all because of Elizabeth — no, because he had completely lost his self-restraint.
“Ah… so you came to see Miss Elizabeth.”
Franz scratched his head awkwardly.
I know she isn’t here. I was told she’s on leave. I came like a wolf picking up crumbs she’d dropped — a shameless, starving dog.
Franz, quick to notice, couldn’t possibly be unaware. But he hadn’t expected the question like this.
“Your Majesty, do you like Miss Elizabeth?”
The world went dark and distant.
It felt as if a horseshoe had stamped the center of his soul. The wolf had pointed it out several times, but he hadn’t expected to hear it from Franz’s mouth.
If you call it desire, I can accept that. I won’t deny I was captivated from the first moment I saw her. It’s true I want Elizabeth. But what does ‘like’ mean?
A tangled ball of thread filled his head. His heart clattered like a broken carriage wheel, and the back of his ears burned for no reason. Liking someone and wanting to possess someone were clearly different things. He could sense that in theory, but only as theory. Nikolai was ignorant of his own feelings. The trembling and impulse that had occupied him couldn’t be easily labeled.
If it were possessiveness or a desire to monopolize, it might have been less agonizing.
Is he asking why I treat her specially? Or if I miss her? Or whether I have feelings for her? If that’s the case — I… I already like Elizabeth.
Sweat beaded on his brow. He felt dizzy and wanted to sink down. If it hadn’t been in front of Franz, he might have dropped to his knees.
To others it might be a silly question, but for Nikolai it was serious. Not because he lacked experience with women, but because he’d been raised to believe he must not like anyone.
“The emperor must not be shaken by lust. He must not chase petty happiness. Do not let anyone steal your heart. You are not one person — you must live for the people. That is the emperor’s duty.”
His father — the previous emperor — was a greater monarch than the historians’ praise. But he had not been a good father. He didn’t know how other fathers disciplined their sons; had he known, he might not have drilled into Nikolai’s ears that he must never be happy. Still, Nikolai respected him. The hero who saved the country from the fever that threatened to kill everyone. A sage who lived his life for his people. Nikolai wanted to be such an emperor. He followed his father’s teachings and final words, even at the cost of humiliating whispers.
And then Elizabeth appeared — a twist of fate.
Because of Elizabeth, I broke protocol many times. I gave undeserved offices, spared insubordination, endured insults. What’s the difference between me and a tyrant enthralled by a woman?
That was not all. He wanted to throttle Douglas, who circled Elizabeth like a vulture. Anyone who spoke of her carelessly or failed to show proper respect — he wanted them cut down. He was curious about everything concerning Elizabeth, wanting to understand even her past; even her inexplicable behaviors seemed endearing.
I must admit it. I like Elizabeth…
Nikolai’s head drooped.
It felt as if his father’s lament echoed from underground. Engulfed by guilt, Franz spoke to him.
“I don’t dislike Miss Elizabeth either. Well, she’s not that amazing… but she’s not bad.”
“Why?”
“She doesn’t try to get on my good side, and she doesn’t put on a show pretending to be loved by the kids. She almost forgets I’m the crown prince.”
“I keep forgetting I’m the emperor too.”
“Isn’t she a little unusual?”
“She’s serious.”
Perhaps because of the shock of having his private feelings pried open, or the hollow realization that he’d abandoned his life’s duty, Nikolai babbled things he didn’t need to.
“Does Miss Elizabeth like you, Your Majesty?”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“I can help you. Like when I stopped that meeting between the Marquis of Nettleton and Miss Elizabeth!”
“My request last time was rash. Forget it.”
“I could deliver letters, or set up a private meeting — just the two of you. Also…”
“Is this not enough?”
His voice rose without him meaning to. Franz froze.
“You said you trusted me.”
“This is not something for you to meddle in.”
“You said I was the only one you trusted. Was that just words?”
What should he say in a situation like this? Observe Franz? Try to think from Franz’s view? Elizabeth’s advice flickered in his mind, but Nikolai’s lips stayed clamped shut. He was ashamed that his inability to control his feelings had drawn concern from his younger half-brother.
Franz seemed to interpret the silence as firm rejection.
“Sorry. I wasn’t trying to intrude — I only wanted to help.”
After bowing, Franz ran off. Nikolai couldn’t bring himself to call the distance back.
He realized once more that he was only good at imperial duties; he was clumsy at basic relationships.
I don’t deserve to like anyone. I lack the talent. I must live alone, like this. With the wolf.
He was about to turn away when he spotted a drawing on the dirt. Though roughly sketched, the skill in it drew his gaze. He suddenly remembered the wooden stick Franz had thrown. There was wet soil on the tip.
Did Pinch draw this?
He examined the dirt drawing again: a kindly man and woman, and a small boy between them — a picture of a harmonious family like a scene from a fairy tale.
I held the paper with the herb shop’s address and looked around.
No wonder Susan was worried. I’ve never seen scenes like this since I came to this world.
I hurried past a ramshackle board house and a pile of trash. Untreated sewage mixed with animal droppings, giving off a rotten stench. Begging children. Drunken men sprawled about. Women staring at the air with weary faces. It was the archetypal face of the slums.
What are you surprised about? You spent your childhood moving through places like this, didn’t you?
I was already used to the luxurious lives of the rich and nobles. Ordinary nobles treated the emperor like someone to bicker with and treated the crown prince as a neighborhood kid. I’d thought nightmares and horrible days would follow me everywhere, but that wasn’t the case. The slums were disorderly, filthy, full of fear and despair. The poverty I’d momentarily forgotten felt more immediate and threatening than the guillotine.
“Hey, redhead! Where did a pretty girl like you come from?”
A coarse voice whistled. A few men in the alley scanned me up and down.
“Do you work somewhere expensive? You’re gorgeous.”
“Come here — big brothers will treat you right!”
Ignoring them did no good. The swaggering men started trailing behind me.
“Hey pretty thing. Stop acting so haughty.”
“You came here at this hour — you must have a reason, right?”
Why didn’t they understand how dangerous it was for a woman to hang around the slums alone? Besides, I was extremely pretty. Even draped in rags I couldn’t hide my freshly blossomed red hair or my long, slender limbs. It wasn’t surprising the idiots salivated.
Boritz doesn’t move around during the day. He met Claudia at dusk.
I had to accept a little danger until I found Boritz. I wasn’t willing to put up with flies literally, though.
“Look at that hair. A wig shop would pay a fortune for it.”
One of the scumbags grabbed my hair. The feeling was disgusting, like a thousand larvae crawling on bare skin.
“Where do you think you’re touching!”
I glared coldly at the handsy man. The others snickered as if entertained.
“She’s coming on because you coddled her, huh?”
“Snobby bitches need to be taught a lesson!”
What a cliché.
Is there some academy teaching filthy talk? Do they learn it hand-in-hand? Group discount?
If I were a female knight like Claudia, I would have drawn my sword without hesitation and shown them a spicy lesson to make them soil their trousers. Unfortunately, all I had were money and charm. I didn’t want to seduce just anybody out of desperation. And I wasn’t desperate — not yet.
“Get lost, or I’ll make sure you live to regret it.”
“What’s that red bitch saying?”
“Stick something in her ear? G. E. T. O. U. T.”
Each syllable was forced. The scumbags spat filthy insults as they glared.
“This bitch’s mouth runs too freely.”
“You know what happens to creeps like you around here?”
In a romance novel, some handsome stranger would have appeared by chance and saved me. He’d dispatch the men with a blank expression and say something to me.
Why would a woman walk alone — does she want to die?
But this world was a hard-boiled survival adventure from start to finish. You had to dig your own escape. I snapped my fingers. On cue, armed men leapt out. Private guards I’d paid a fortune to hire. Expensive, so their concealment and ambush skills were top-notch.
“W-what are these?”
“Damn it! There were accomplices?!”
The scoundrels, realizing things had gone wrong, trembled like rats falling into a gutter. All that swaggering bravado vanished.
“You should’ve left when you had the chance!”
“P-please forgive us! We’re sorry!”
They prostrated and begged until their hands and feet were exhausted. It didn’t feel cleansing — only bitter. Money was indeed useful. If I hadn’t had the resources to hire guards, I would have been the one begging in fear. The captain of the guards asked in a dry voice:
“Miss. How shall we proceed?”
“Beat them. Leave them alive.”
“That’s difficult.”
“You can do it easily. Even if they survive, they’ll only harm others.”
“We’ll spare them as much as possible.”
Screams fit for a slaughterhouse broke across the slum skies. Just as I was starting to feel a little vindicated, a dark figure rose in the alley. The shadow staggered forward — and it was heading straight for me.
