#24. Because You’ll Soak My Heart Again
“What do you take me for?”
Was it anger? Or sorrow?
A voice heavy with emotions he couldn’t suppress spilled from between Nikolai’s red lips.
Blue veins bulged on the back of his hand gripping the cheap beer mug.
“The embodiment of lust? A debauched rake who drools over any woman he sees?”
“Are you not?”
“You know nothing. Nothing of who I am, or how I live.”
Nikolai’s green eyes cooled to ice.
She had succeeded in deflecting his line of questioning, but along with it vanished the secret pleasure of focusing solely on each other amidst the noisy clamor.
She forced herself to regain her composure—something loosened by his unusual gentleness tonight, and the delicious food.
“You told me I may seem honest, but I’m nothing but secrets. Well, it’s the same with Your Majesty.”
“…”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, why you make such expressions, or why you suddenly change. You never tell me.”
“Sometimes it’s better not to know.”
“Then before blaming me for not understanding you, look back and ask yourself—how honest have you been?”
The more time they spent together, the more it felt like wandering a labyrinth.
Nikolai was nothing like the tyrant of the original story.
Nor did he match the emperor known to the world.
He was more courteous, more exasperating, more dangerous—and more beautiful.
I’ve wondered from the very beginning. Why force a contract, share meals with me, and show me a face no one else sees?
He had once reached for her throat with the face of a feral beast, yet her curiosity never withered.
Instead, it grew larger day by day.
Nikolai stirred up strange sensations within her.
He awakened emotions she had once thought burdensome.
If not for him, she never would have known how comforting a man’s embrace could be.
Or that she liked strong, long fingers. Or that she could be swayed by someone who bought her delicious food.
Or that even a man who possessed everything could look so pitiful that she wanted to hold him.
“Tell me, who are you really, Your Majesty?”
Nikolai only stared at her in silence.
The quiet stretched long.
Her cautious question returned only as obvious disappointment.
Maybe she had been mistaken to think she was special.
They were nothing more than two people bound by contract, tempting each other.
It had all been by her own will.
So why did she feel like crying?
What are you expecting from Nikolai when you can’t even be honest yourself? Even if you knew—what would change? What could you do?
The truth was heavy for both the one who confessed it and the one who received it.
A truth treated lightly could become an indelible wound.
The one who demanded it, and the one who revealed it, were both trapped in responsibility.
By comparison, secrets and lies were so convenient.
They sank deeper into a narrow, unyielding silence.
By the time the greasy meat had cooled pale, Nikolai finally spoke.
“You’re Elizabeth, aren’t you?”
“?”
“Elizabeth Amster knows everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You always pierce through the truth, always stay one step ahead. Isn’t that who you are?”
He had seen her like that all along?
It sounded like praise, yet it only tasted bitter.
“Then it seems Your Majesty doesn’t know me at all.”
“That’s true as well.”
“I’m fighting with everything I have, every single moment. Struggling and clawing to survive.”
“It doesn’t look that way.”
“See? You’ve never truly seen me.”
Don’t say another word, Elizabeth. He’ll never understand. Your fear and loneliness are yours alone. He only toys with your naivety and ignorance.
She steadied herself, but then Nikolai’s low voice slipped out, almost too soft to hear.
“Even so… I don’t want to be misunderstood.”
“…Pardon?”
“I don’t want you to hate me.”
What was she supposed to do with this man?
With those green flames flickering like a wounded child’s eyes.
With those beautiful eyes gazing at her so desperately.
“If I confessed, would you bare everything as well?”
“What is it you want to hear?”
“I want to know what you truly desire.”
“…”
“What you’re afraid of. Why even in sleep you seem pursued. Why you believe you’re fated to die.”
She held her breath.
He had only brushed the edges of her layered secrets, yet it was dizzying.
How much does Nikolai know? Should I tell him just a little? No. I can’t act on impulse. It could be a trap.
Her hesitation dragged on.
There was a contract, but no trust.
That was always a thorn lodged in her throat.
“As I thought, no answer.”
His voice was tinged with the bitterness of expectation met.
“Are you disappointed?”
“No. If it were easy, then I’d be disappointed.”
She blinked at the unexpected reply.
Nikolai’s lips curved into a languid arc.
Even his sharp eyes softened.
“I told you, didn’t I? You’re harder to conquer than any fortress.”
“…!”
“And that’s what makes you worth it.”
He wiped the sauce from the corner of her lips with his thumb.
It was too soon to blush.
Nikolai licked the sauce from his thumb, never once looking away from her.
His moist pink tongue slipped out and disappeared between sensual lips.
Her strength drained; her mouth went dry.
She wanted to blame it on the alcohol.
She snatched the wooden beer mug from his hand.
“Let me have a sip too.”
Just as she was about to wet her parched lips, Nikolai reclaimed the mug.
“I won’t allow it.”
“Why not?”
“Because then you’ll soak my chest again.”
His fingers toyed with the front of his shirt.
He meant the clothes stained with her tears and snot, but her heart lurched as though he had bitten someplace hidden.
“No drinking. And no crying either.”
“Is that an imperial decree?”
“A plea.”
This man was a devil.
The rumors of him ensnaring women were surely true.
In their game of seduction, Nikolai always led.
Her pulse raced as he cornered her with yet another tactic.
“I’ve summoned Lady Claudia Rose Royce.”
“!”
“Would you like to meet her too?”
Simon was forced to his knees in a musty basement.
From behind a translucent veil, a mysterious woman murmured.
“I told you not to disappoint me, Simon.”
“It wasn’t my fault! That woman Elizabeth—she tricked me…!”
“Stop whining. You’re about to drain the last of my patience.”
“The Emperor is mad. He’s blinded by that woman’s skirts and can no longer tell right from wrong.”
“For six years the Council of Elders has said the same thing. Yet the Empire still stands.”
Her voice sharpened.
Simon fell silent.
“Simon. Were you the one who poisoned the Crown Prince?”
“Absolutely not! Wasn’t it Your Grace?”
“You think I would resort to such a paltry trick?”
“Then who tried to harm him?”
“Who knows. Too many vermin without sense are after Hartmann’s heart.”
“You mean one of the other consorts, then?”
“The Minister of the Interior is tearing everything apart—something will turn up.”
“We must move first!”
“Are you suggesting rebellion? Just because you lost your post as fencing instructor?”
Simon flinched.
The woman scoffed.
“A revolution needs justification. A catastrophic event the people themselves cannot deny.”
“His debauched private life isn’t enough?”
“The foolish masses don’t care what their emperor does. As long as they’re fed and warm, it doesn’t matter who rules.”
“Then what should I do?”
She sighed heavily, as though weary of explaining even this much.
“For now, we can’t touch the Crown Prince. And you no longer have the influence you once did.”
“It may sound like an excuse, but Elizabeth is no ordinary woman. She has the tongue of a viper.”
“Are you afraid of her?”
“Of course not!”
“Don’t seek me out for a while. The Minister’s men are everywhere.”
“You’re… casting me aside?”
“Don’t put on that sad face, Simon.”
“How can I earn Your Grace’s trust again?”
Desperation thickened his tone.
Her answer was immediate.
“Bring me that woman’s head.”
“!”
“I will not allow such a creature to run rampant in my courtyard.”
Simon’s eyes flickered, then hardened with a chilling light.
“Just give me time.”
“Don’t rush. As you said, she won’t be easy.”
“I’ll be cautious. Extremely cautious.”
“Has there been a reply from the southern border?”
“All is proceeding smoothly. Good news will come soon.”
“It had better. If you wish to keep seeing me.”
“Your Grace is all I have.”
“I don’t keep useless men around—unless they can provide a very special amusement.”
She extended the tip of her shoe beyond the veil.
Like a man discovering the greatest treasure in the world, Simon crawled to her feet.
Finally given a chance to prove himself useful again, he swore in a trembling voice:
“I will deliver Elizabeth’s head—the woman who insulted me and offended Your Grace.”
Even after leaving the skewer shop, Elizabeth remained quiet.
I pressed her too hard. I should have curbed my greed. I should’ve just stayed silent.
Nikolai etched her moonlit profile into his eyes.
His gaze lingered on the line from her rounded forehead down her nose to her lips.
Her cheeks glowed rose-red from barely a sip of beer.
Her brows looked painted on, her lashes flared outward like a fan, all tinted deep crimson.
It was a color that stirred his heart, leaving marks unseen.
I wanted to understand her, and be understood. Yet I must have fumbled again.
At the mention of Claudia’s name, Elizabeth had gone rigid.
Her black eyes sank, her rose-hued lips quivered.
He suddenly feared she might burst into tears.
But instead, Elizabeth smiled radiantly.
“I’d love to meet her too. When Lady Rose Royce enters the palace, please summon me. I’ll be looking forward to it!”
She had forced cheer into her voice; it was proof of her inner turmoil.
Nikolai could only brood in regret, still unaware of the reason.
“Let’s go somewhere quieter. The emperor’s carriage draws too much attention.”
“And the guards?”
“I told them to hide. But I suppose you already noticed.”
“I only guessed. You’d never move alone.”
“You’re clever, as always.”
“An honor, to finally be recognized.”
Elizabeth lifted her skirts with graceful poise.
Does this mean I can praise her openly now?
Nikolai had been practicing several things—being honest about his feelings was one of them.
He was still clumsy at it.
Still making painful mistakes.
But to unlock a heart’s lock, a key was needed.
Since Elizabeth would never hand him that key easily, he would keep knocking. Again and again.
Even if it took a year. Even ten.
Patience was the one thing he had in abundance.
“If there’s somewhere you’d like to visit, we can go before returning to the palace.”
“With Your Majesty?”
“If you wish it.”
“You’ll buy me treats and escort me personally? What an honor for my family.”
“I’m glad you see it that way.”
“There’s actually somewhere I wanted to go. Will you come with me?”
Nikolai’s face lit up before he could hide it.
Elizabeth was offering him a chance.
He nearly seized her hand.
He wanted, more than anything, to pull her slender waist into his arms.
But—
“Niki. I smell the flowers of the underworld.”
The wolf whispered.
At the edge of what might be his last chance, the cursed chains coiled around Nikolai’s neck.
The slave of destiny, crowned as emperor.
For the first time, Nikolai thought of rebelling.
