Chapter 45
“Paper gets heavy when there’s a lot of it.”
I know that’s obvious.
But, how to put it—
Maybe because a single sheet is so light, I always forget that fact…
And above all, I wanted to deny the fact that I had to carry all of this home.
‘Spending money was fun, though.’
I felt happy picturing the kids who would be glad to receive this, even if I wasn’t the one using it.
But thinking about the journey home while carrying it was dreadful.
I forced a hollow smile like I’d lost my spirit and trudged forward, step by heavy step.
“Ugh… so… heavy?”
I staggered, about to lose my balance under the weight as I walked.
Suddenly, something brushed past my hand and the weight that felt like my shoulder would come off vanished in an instant.
I stared at my now-light hand, bewildered.
“It’s gone?”
What the—!
The bag in my hand was gone.
Just a moment ago it had been full of paper and weighed me down, and now it had disappeared!
I looked up, searching for the shopping bag that had been in my hand.
“There it is!”
Luckily it wasn’t far away.
It was right in front of me.
And someone was holding it.
‘Who—! Who took my shopping bag…!’
I followed the bag with my eyes.
Thinking that whoever had taken the paper for our practice would be unforgivable.
“It’s been a while.”
“……”
But the moment I saw who had taken my bag—
“Have you been well in the meantime?”
Paper, schmaper.
…I wanted to run home right then.
“A-ah, hello. Long time no see.”
Was I flustered because an unexpected person appeared? Or was something else going on?
“I—I’ve been well. And you? How have you been?”
My head was a mess.
I felt like I was saying words, but—
“Oh, the weather’s been lovely, hasn’t it? Hahaha.”
I couldn’t even think straight.
I even felt like I couldn’t form a proper sentence.
No wonder—
‘It’s Claude…!’
The person who’d taken my bag was Claude!
Those days when I visited his estate every day under the pretense of etiquette lessons were long past.
In truth, I’d been making excuses to avoid him.
The reason was simple.
‘That lighting, the temperature, the atmosphere! I can’t forget it!’
The day I had contact with Claude—
The day I’d made strange noises without meaning to, the day the room had seemed to hold a weird atmosphere that maybe only I noticed.
Just hearing his name or zoning out would make that day come back.
‘Even thinking about it makes my head spin—how could I meet him!’
So I’d started skipping etiquette lessons saying I wasn’t feeling well, and a few days ago I used Estelle’s academy enrollment as an excuse to avoid him.
Yet here we were, meeting anyway.
And I couldn’t even run away.
He was carrying half my load—how could I flee?
I swallowed hard.
Then I lowered my gaze slightly, trying to avoid his persistent stare.
“You said you were ill, but you say you’ve been well?”
“W-well, that’s the usual thing to say. I was sick then, but I’m fine now—something like that. You know what I mean?”
“Is that so.”
What am I even saying?
I didn’t want to be caught in a lie, but I had to explain what I’d just said.
My words were a jumbled mess.
‘If Claude hadn’t been here I would have just collapsed and torn my hair out.’
But of course I couldn’t do that with him right in front of me.
Instead of pulling my hair out I bit my lips hard.
Maybe he noticed my state.
A muffled, deflating chuckle came from in front of me.
“Then, how is your body now?”
“Y-yes? I’m—well, thanks to you, I’m fine. Thanks for worrying…”
“Is that so?”
There was amusement in Claude’s repeated question.
As if he knew all my words were lies.
I couldn’t lift my head from embarrassment and shame.
As I kept my gaze downward, a large foot entered my view.
And that foot was coming closer.
I could feel Claude approaching without looking up.
The air touching my nose was subtly different from before.
A gentle warmth and a faint metallic scent, and even a cool fragrance.
I wanted to step back to avoid him but for some reason I couldn’t.
It felt as though something from the ground had grabbed my ankle and pinned me in place; I couldn’t move a single step.
Claude’s foot stopped just short of half a step away.
This time something else came into view.
A large hand.
Veins stood out and calluses were set in—probably from wielding a sword—but it also looked soft.
“Not yet, it seems.”
That big hand touched my forehead.
“W-what is—!”
I flinched and lifted my head.
“…!”
And I held my breath at the wall I could see before me.
“Your face is still flushed.”
Claude was too close.
So close his breath could almost touch me.
He stared at my face with intense focus.
He checked if the redness on my face felt hot, if I looked worn out, if I was short of breath, if cold sweat showed.
His deep blue eyes examined my face slowly, carefully.
From the moment our faces were so near, I stopped breathing.
For fear my trembling breath might reach him.
For fear he might notice the fact that I was aware of him.
So I inhaled and then held my breath.
“Luckily you don’t seem to have a fever.”
After staring at my face for a long while, he quietly stepped back.
Only after he’d moved fully away could I exhale the breath I’d been holding.
“You’re not well and yet you try to move such heavy things alone. Isn’t that too much? I’ll help, of course.”
But while I was tense, Claude looked utterly calm.
Throughout that whole process of examining my face and backing away, his expression was the same deadpan look he always wore.
Maybe that’s why—
“…”
I felt unreasonably embarrassed.
Claude treated that day as nothing more than an accident, but I was the only one dwelling on it.
Only I seemed to be bothered by having him standing in front of me.
‘I mustn’t be conscious of him!’
But my face was already flushed; nothing could change that.
He had already seen it.
Still, if I acted now, maybe I could hide that I was paying attention to him.
‘Don’t be conscious of him, act normal! And change the topic naturally!’
If he mentioned my condition, I’d think of that day again.
And then I’d become self-conscious once more.
So I needed to cut it off immediately.
Cleanly.
I took a quiet, deep breath, squared my shoulders, lifted my chin, opened my eyes wide, and looked at Claude.
Acting as if I’d never paid him any mind.
“Thank you. If you wouldn’t mind, please—just to my home.”
I answered primly and turned my head abruptly.
‘There, that looked natural.’
I thought I heard a deflating sound beside me, but that was surely my imagination; I’d rather not confirm it.
My acting had to be perfect.
I hoisted the remaining one of the two shopping bags up into my arms with both hands.
Then I passed by him and strode ahead with an air of haughtiness.
It was fine to stride ahead with an air of superiority.
But…
“……”
“……”
The silence.
I couldn’t stand it.
‘I— I have to say something.’
This quiet atmosphere was unbearable.
I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
It felt like I would suffocate…!
