Chapter 29
Why am I like this?
“Marquis! Hello!”
Whoosh!
Thududududu…
“Marquis! There you are!”
Startled!
Dadadadada…
“What’s wrong with him?”
Since that day when the “seal was broken” (?), Kylian hadn’t been able to sleep properly at night, dark circles forming under his eyes. For three days straight, he avoided even making eye contact with Ximena, running away whenever she showed up.
“Commander, if you’ll look here—this is from the mining site…”
“Found you! Marquis!”
Startled!
Thududududu…
“Ah, Hermes. I’m talking with the commander now. Come back later. Anyway, Commander, here—Commander? Commander? Where did he suddenly disappear to?”
“Wow… he’s fast…”
Ximena, meanwhile, was starting to get irritated at how Kylian kept avoiding her.
‘Now he won’t even look me in the eyes? What’s he so angry about? How can I apologize if I don’t even know? I didn’t even get to properly thank him for saving me that day, and all he does is run away. I’m exhausted just chasing him around everywhere. He’s really impossible to read.’
But the one truly worn out from all the running was Kylian.
He only had to see Ximena waving at him from a distance—not even up close—for his face to flush, his heart to race, and he simply could not meet her eyes.
‘Damn it… why… why am I like this? It’s not like I’m sick. But since that day, whenever I see her, my heart pounds and my face burns up… This is like… like… No, no. It’s just because I’ve been… repressed for too long…’
He stubbornly convinced himself it was only because he hadn’t seen a woman’s naked body in ages.
But if that were true, then how could he remain perfectly unaffected when seeing other women—elegantly made-up, wearing dresses that highlighted their curves, women universally admired as beautiful?
Unable to endure it, he summoned a physician for medicine.
“Doctor, my heart keeps pounding strangely… Is there any medicine to calm it down?”
“Oh, my! Marquis, are you saying your heart beats irregularly all day long?”
“No… not all day, but… when I… think of… someone…”
“Oh? When you think of someone, it happens?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Hmm… Is this someone perhaps a mortal enemy who stirs up fierce anger inside you?”
“No, not at all. Not an enemy. There’s no anger.”
“Hmm… Then maybe the terrifying monster you once faced in battle against demonic beasts?”
“Not that either. It’s not fear.”
“Hmm… Then, whenever you think of this person… you get overly excited… your face flushes… your whole body heats up, doesn’t it?”
The physician even gestured vividly as he asked.
“Yes! Exactly! That’s it—my body feels just like that!”
“Hmm… And are the symptoms… worse at night?”
“Yes! Exactly so. At night it gets worse. I can hardly sleep. So? What is it—am I seriously ill?”
“Well, Marquis… forgive me for asking, but… is this someone you’re thinking of… a woman?”
“T-that’s…”
Kylian faltered, embarrassed.
“Ahem. Well, it’s kind of… She’s a woman… and yet… not exactly…”
The physician, who had thought he was onto something, wiped nervous sweat as Kylian’s vague answer confused him again.
“Ah… I see. Well, in any case… you don’t feel unpleasant when you think of this person, correct?”
“Yes, not unpleasant. More like… my whole body tingles, I feel restless, can’t concentrate… and a little embarrassed.”
“Yes, yes. That’s it. Whew…”
At last, the physician sighed with relief.
“Don’t worry, Marquis. You are perfectly normal.”
“What? Normal? How can this torment be normal? I’ve barely slept in days!”
“Hahaha. Marquis, it’s perfectly normal for a healthy man to burn up when thinking of someone at night. Whether that someone is a woman… or not. I respect your preferences. Hahaha. But in general… this is what we call being in love.”
“L-love?”
“Yes. I too am curious about the one who has made you so restless. Marquis, I don’t know if you’ve confessed your heart yet, but if not, even a confession might ease your symptoms.”
Hearing it framed so plainly by an outsider, Kylian could no longer deny the feelings he had tried to suppress.
‘Sigh… I can’t deny it anymore… At my age, I should know better than to run to a doctor like some child to confirm what this is…’
But recognizing his feelings for Ximena came with another problem.
“But Marquis… if I may…”
“What is it?”
This time the physician spoke gravely, cautiously.
“Love has two sides—it can be heaven, but also hell. Even if you confess, if your hearts don’t align… if the love bears no fruit… then it truly becomes a tormenting illness.”
Kylian’s lifted spirits suddenly sank like a stone.
“I… I see…”
That evening, he skipped dinner, retreated to his darkened chamber, and brooded.
Maybe that was why he had tried so hard not to acknowledge his feelings.
From the beginning, their hearts had clashed.
He had coldly rejected her affection again and again—yet now he was the one tormented by love for her…
What if they had first met here in Acticos without that past between them?
Would he still need to hide his feelings and avoid her?
No—probably not.
Though he lost his parents at ten and had spent seventeen years sharpening his blade only for revenge, his parents had once raised him in love. That warmth had not been entirely erased.
Outwardly, he was a cold, calculating leader, but inside, warm blood still flowed—allowing him to care for his people and knights like family. And because they knew his heart, they respected and followed him.
“You can’t hide it anymore, Marquis. On the outside you always look cold and stern, but inside… you’re warm. I’ve seen it.”
And Ximena had seen it too, spending time near him.
She had uncovered the true self he tried so hard to conceal.
Then what about her? What feelings did she hold toward him?
Just as he was swayed by the side of her he hadn’t known before… could she not also be moved by the side of him she hadn’t known?
“No, what I mean is… Marquis, you’re not someone special to me.”
That one memory pressed down on his chest.
‘Fool. She already told me her heart. What more do I hope to hear?’
Kylian rose from his bed, leaned against the window, and stared at the faintly glimmering eternal snow of Glacies.
His heart, which had burned so hot, now seemed to freeze solid again.
“Steward! Steward!”
“Yes, Duke.”
“Still no word from Ximena?”
“W-well… the young lady did say she was going to Anatole to visit you, Your Grace, but for some reason…”
Having secluded himself in a rural villa in Anatole, Duke Silvester had rushed back to Carapedon after receiving a letter from the imperial palace. But on arriving, he was shocked to find Ximena gone. He furiously pressed the steward.
“At such an important time, where could she possibly have gone? Hmm? For her not to return in days—could it be, could it be…”
Suddenly, a thought struck him. His eyes widened as he turned to the steward.
“…Yes, Duke? Please say it.”
“Has she… run away from home?”
“R-run away…?”
“Yes! You know, like those unruly youths these days who defy their parents and leave home to live on their own!”
“B-but… wasn’t it Your Grace who did that?”
“What? Me?”
“Yes. You ran away, and with no one home, the young lady wouldn’t really have had reason to…”
“…True. I was the one who left because I couldn’t stand her.”
Bang!
“Eek!”
“Then where on earth did she go? Hmm?”
“M-maybe…”
Terrified by the duke’s outburst, the steward stammered, blurting out the first idea that came.
“Maybe she still hasn’t forgotten the Marquis of Thermos and went to Acticos to find him…”
“What? Acticos? Hmm…”
Silvester fell deep in thought, then shook his head.
“No, unlikely. She even threatened me, her father, with her fist to leave the marquis alone. At the Empress’s birthday banquet, she even made a big public fuss about clarifying things. No way she’d go back there…”
“B-but since the banquet, the marquis did send her a flower basket…”
“What? The Marquis of Thermos sent Ximena flowers?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say?”
“I didn’t see the letter myself, but I’ll call the maid who received it.”
The steward quickly summoned Marie.
“So, you’re the one who took the marquis’s flower basket? Was there a letter with it?”
“Yes, Duke. He said he wanted to visit her, so please let him know a date.”
“And? Did Ximena reply with a date?”
“No. The young lady said she would never see the marquis again.”
“See! I told you it wasn’t that. All right, you may go.”
“Yes…”
“Hmm…”
After sending Marie out, the duke pondered, then gave new orders to the steward.
“Send a letter to the Marquis of Thermos. In Ximena’s name.”
“In… the young lady’s name?”
“Yes. Tell him she’s accepted Prince Diego’s proposal and will soon belong to the imperial family. That he must not send flowers or anything else again, and that it would be best if they never saw each other anymore.”
“…Yes, understood.”
