Chapter 87
“Hold on to me, Rebellia.”
“……!”
At Calliere’s words, my throat suddenly closed up.
I couldn’t easily explain what emotions made me feel that way. It was just… complicated.
I liked it, hated it, felt embarrassed, and even resentful.
From the wrist he held, I felt his heat. I pretended to be calm and avoided his gaze as I spoke.
“Who’s holding onto who here, I wonder?”
“……”
“Let me go…”
“Strange.”
“…?”
“Why is it that when you say ‘let go,’ it sounds like ‘don’t let go’ to me?”
Why was he acting like this? I deceived him.
I pretended to be Heidi, filled our conversations with lies.
I feared my bewildered gaze might reach him.
I was terrified he would see through me.
I forced myself to continue.
“A denial should be accepted as a denial. It doesn’t mean I actually like it while saying I don’t—”
“Rebellia.”
“……”
“There are three times when a person’s pulse races.”
“…?”
“When they exercise hard, when their heart trembles.”
“……”
“And when they lie.”
Without realizing it, I swallowed hard. Trying to act clueless, I looked at him and said:
“I-I don’t know what you mean…”
“I can feel it. Your wrist is beating like it’s about to burst out.”
Only then did my gaze fall to the wrist he was holding.
That heated wrist, throbbing wildly—so fast even I could feel it. And he could feel it too.
‘He found out.’
I squeezed my eyes shut.
As I struggled for words, his voice came lower:
“I know you don’t love Delphian Xeros, Rebellia.”
“……”
“Don’t even think of lying. Even without holding your wrist, I’d know.”
His gaze pressed into me, as though to dig out my true feelings.
My mind tangled with a thousand thoughts.
I bit my lip hard, turned, and met his eyes.
“What is it you want to hear from me?”
“The truth.”
“……”
“When I told you to leave when it’s time, what you really meant was you wanted to hold me, but couldn’t—because of your situation, because of your thoughts.”
“Your Grace.”
“Hold on to me, Rebellia.”
“……”
“It’s okay.”
“……”
“I’ll take responsibility for everything.”
But he still didn’t know.
He didn’t know what it meant for me to hold onto him.
That I was weighing both his life and my mother’s on a scale at this very moment.
He didn’t know. He knew nothing…!
“…Your Grace, you don’t know.”
“……”
“You don’t know what I had to give up in order to let you go…!”
“Don’t give up.”
The emotions I had been holding back surged like waves.
But the storm broke against Calliere’s calm voice.
“You don’t need to give up, Rebellia.”
“……”
“In this relationship, there’s nothing you need to sacrifice.”
I couldn’t believe his words.
Was he speaking from knowledge? Or was it because he truly didn’t know?
He looked at me, frozen in silence, and spoke evenly:
“If you need to, use me.”
“……”
“No matter the reason, it doesn’t matter.”
“……”
“If I’m what you need in your situation, then just use me, Rebellia.”
“Your Grace…”
Seeing my confusion, he added slowly:
“Do what you must do.”
“……”
“I already told you—I’ll handle the consequences.”
‘…Your Grace, you don’t know what I had to give up in order to let you go…!’
Her raised voice betrayed her emotions, and her shaking eyes revealed how much she was in turmoil.
Her clenched fists trembled as she tried to suppress her feelings, her lips pressed tightly together to hold back tears.
Calliere sat silently on the bed, gazing at the darkened forest with expressionless eyes.
Only the sound of his long fingers tapping lightly on the window frame broke the silence.
“……”
As his lips pressed into a thin line with endless thoughts,
Knock, knock.
The silence shattered with a soft knock.
He turned from the window to the tightly closed door.
Blankly staring at it, one face crossed his mind.
“…Rebellia?”
“Ah, you’re not asleep yet?”
A startled voice came from beyond the door.
Before he knew it, Calliere had stepped off the bed and was walking toward it.
‘I didn’t mean you had to decide right away. Don’t feel pressured.’
‘Think as much as you want. Worry as much as you need.’
‘I’ll wait.’
I had never held the sword’s handle in any relationship.
Not in my past life, not in this one.
I was always the one waiting for someone’s decision, influenced by their actions, forced to accept the results—whether I wanted to or not.
“……”
I stopped, recalling Calliere who had handed me the sword’s handle and stepped back.
Even looking at the firmly closed door, my heart wavered.
It was a strange feeling.
That I held the sword’s handle now—and that the one who gave it to me was Calliere.
‘You don’t need to give up, Rebellia.’
‘In this relationship, there’s nothing you need to sacrifice.’
‘If you need to, use me. If I’m necessary in your situation, then just use me, Rebellia.’
His eyes held no lies.
I knew all his words were spoken without a shred of falsehood.
And because of that truth, my heart ached, my chest churned.
If he ever learned what I was weighing between us—his life itself—what kind of face would he make? What feelings would he show?
I wanted to be understood. I didn’t want to be hated.
I couldn’t tell the truth, yet I was greedy for it.
I never realized how heavy it was to hold the sword’s handle.
In the end, the best choice I could make was to hand the sword’s handle back to him.
Knock, knock.
The sound of my hand knocking the thin wooden door rang like thunder.
My heart pounded as if it would burst from my chest.
I almost ran away, but then his voice came from inside.
“…Rebellia?”
“Ah, you’re not asleep yet?”
I answered in a trembling voice and realized how nervous I was.
Hearing his footsteps approach, I panicked and grabbed the doorknob.
Clunk—it turned with a sound, but then caught.
“What are you doing…”
“I-I just… wanted to ask one last thing.”
“……”
“D-don’t open the door. Only after you’ve heard everything, and if your heart doesn’t change—then open it.”
He didn’t answer, but I knew he was listening.
“I can’t explain everything. But you’ll regret it later.”
“……”
“You’ll wonder why you didn’t push me away harder. You’ll resent me for it.”
“……”
“You’ll say if you had known, you never would’ve held my hand.”
He never imagined the weight I was measuring was his life itself.
Tears threatened, my voice faltered, and I paused to breathe.
Afraid he’d notice, I coughed awkwardly.
I chewed my lips again and again before forcing out the words.
“But… I came anyway. Even if you resent me later, I didn’t want to regret it.”
“……”
“I came because I wanted to hold on. But I’ve never held the sword before, I couldn’t find the courage. So… so…”
“……”
“I know it’s shameless, but just this once, Your Grace, could you be the one to hold me instead? Even if you hate me later—please let this choice be yours.”
In the end, I said it.
Unlike his pure sincerity, I revealed my cowardly truth.
That I wanted to hide behind him.
In the heavy silence beyond the door, I shut my eyes tightly.
Maybe this silence was his answer.
I slowly let go of the doorknob I had clung to like a lifeline.
‘Yes… this must be right…?’
As I stepped back, the firmly shut door suddenly opened—like magic.
Huh? Wh-what?
Before I could blink, a hand reached out, seized my wrist, and yanked me inside.
His scent—like the clear forest air—surrounded me in an instant.
Bang—the door slammed shut behind me.
